A lot of you are probably wondering, "How come Democrats have the facts on their side almost all the time, and are thoughtful, articulate, logical and caring - but still seem to do poorly in public debates against certifiably insane morons who also smell bad?" I'm glad you asked that question because it gives me, let's face it, an open invitation to inflict on you a short guide on arguing. No Republican goon will ever dominate you again at any kind of social or political event again. WARNING: Please update your liability insurance before putting into practice these handy pointers to achieving argument dominance.
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me! You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
1. Drink alcohol. Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthrals his audience. But if you drink several large martinis, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may even leave the room.
2. Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base SOLELY on the fact that you are underpaid, and you’ll be damned if you are going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off than you. DO NOT say: “ I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say instead: “ The average Peruvian’s salary based on 1981 dollars, adjusted for the revised tax base, is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836…. And 7 cents below the mean gross poverty level. Note the slight hesitancy between the ‘836’ and the ‘7 cents’. That makes it look like you are actually calculating the final number in your head! Boy, are you smart!! Note: Always make up EXACT figures. If an opponent asks where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published May 9th, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same tone of voice that you would say: “You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom!”
3. Use meaningless but weighty sounding words and phrases.
Memorise this list:
a. Let me put it this way
b. In terms of
c. Vis-à-vis
d. Per se
e. As it were
f. Qua
g. So to speak
- You should memorise some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.”, “e.g.” and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don’t.” Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: “Peruvians would like to order more appetisers, but they don’t have enough money.” You will never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetisers vis-à-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.” Only a fool would challenge that statement.
- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You’ll need an arsenal of phrases to fire back at your opponents when they are making valid points. The best are:
a. You’re begging the question
b. You’re being defensive
c. Don’t compare apples with oranges
d. What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers, software designers and policy wankers) has any idea what “parameter” means.
Here’s how to use your comebacks:
You say: “As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873….”
Your opponent says: “Lincoln died in 1865….”
You say: “You’re begging the question!”
You say: “Liberians, like most Asians…”
Your opponent says: “Liberia is in Africa!”
You say: “You’re being defensive!”
6. Make up useful quotations. No one actually reads much anymore. So it’s a safe bet to put words in the mouths of famous thinkers. Einstein is always a great choice. Everyone knows who he is, but hardly anyone knows anything about him other than he invented the atomic bomb while sticking his tongue out and not combing his hair. You can have him say almost anything. But the key point with all Einstein quotes is to use the word ‘relative’ and a vaguely physics-related term like ‘fusion’, then just plug in any other terms that suit your purpose. You can turn Einstein, the physicist into anything you want him to be: an economist (easy), a politician (still pretty easy), or even a drag-racing nut (difficult but not impossible).
7. Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: “that sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler would say”, or “you certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.” The killer is to assert that Hiitler said the EXACT same thing as your opponent at some rally (insert any German City here).
So that’s it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Warning: Do not try to pull this on people who generally carry weapons.