Please distribute to all pertinent Dem. congresspersons, spokespeople, policy advisers, and affiliated groups who believe in the President's vision of robust reform and regulation of the health insurance interested, to be implemented by
August recess end of year-to whit:
Operation A.S.T.R.O.C.A.R.E. (Alternative Strategies To Reclaim Order from Crazy-Ass Raging Extremists)
A perception has developed which suggests that the President and the Democratic leadership have acted too slowly to address the political theatre tactics employed by the right. These tactics have at their heart the sole aim to deny the President a decisive PR victory leading up to the Labor Day holiday (after which time the average American family starts paying attention to shit again). THE FOLLOWING ARE A LIST OF ACTION ALERT MEASURES TO ENSURE OUR MESSAGE IS NOT DROWNED IN A BURLAP SACK LIKE A THREE LEGGED KITTEN BY POWERFUL ENTRENCHED MONIED INTERESTS:
- DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED by dark implications of "coming wars" and "gun violence" into arranging for fewer town hall meetings, or skipping already scheduled meetings out of fear of violent reprisal or kidnapping of a family member. PLAN MORE SUCH MEETINGS PERHAPS AS MANY AS 5 PER DAY THROUGHOUT AUGUST provided these PLAIN COMMON SENSE STEPS are implemented.
- ANNOUNCE ADDITIONAL MEETINGS BROADLY, using every sympathetic media outlet at our disposal. Sympathetic media outlets currently consist of a few television hosts on MSNBC and some prominent yoga magazines found at health and wellness-conscious grocers and food retailers. Oh and Sheryl Crow. Craigslist is also a possibility, if the announcement is couched within the language of a typical personal dating ad.
- ANNOUNCEMENTS SHALL INCLUDE promise of free biscuits and gravy buffet, trial Netflix memberships, coffee, doughnuts, freshly prepared crudité, free juice/smoothie bar, musical entertainment, inflatable rides, and a massage booth. Included is a form to send to Democratic National Party headquarters to qualify for reimbursement of expenses incurred while shopping and arranging for goodies.
- REP. OR SENATOR SHOULD ARRIVE EARLY to the event, STAFF should be prepared to arrange and work the event in novel ways as shall be outlined below. CAMPING OUT AT THE VENUE PARKING LOT THE NIGHT BEFORE should be considered, as it prevents the douchebags from having the satisfaction of being "first in line."
- BUILDING SECURITY shall be notified to admit as many protesters and sign carriers as may be admitted to the event. Large Notices shall be posted throughout the venue proclaiming that AWARDS WILL BE GIVEN for cleverest protest signs, with extra consideration given to creative invocation of fascist themes and iconography. AWARDS SHALL CONSIST OF SANDWICH COUPONS.
- REP. OR SENATOR SHALL GREET DISRUPTIVE PROTESTERS WARMLY AND INDIVIDUALLY thanking them for their passion and conviction. This might be a good time to start the meeting off on the correct footing by distributing SANDWICH COUPON AWARDS.
- REP OR SENATOR SHALL MAKE THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT to the assembly, once doors have been closed and cat-calling and haranguing have begun in earnest:
Ladies and gentlemen, honored constituents all: We are attempting a new kind of Town Hall-style meeting, in order to find common ground and break down barriers to discourse. Rep. or Senator should pause here for five minutes or so to allow for jeering and chanting of terms like "READ. THE. BILL" and "LET'S KILL US A [racial derogatory omitted]." What I'd like to propose is a bifurcated, two part Town Hall-style meeting.
Now, I know passions run high on the subject of health care reform, therfore I'd like to open the proceedings FIRST to those who came in protest of proposed reforms, or to those who are employees of a lobbying firm, insurance giant, pharma giant, or for those who listen to a lot of Glenn Beck. Part One of today's event will focus ONLY on objections, however vigorous, to the President's plan. In the meanwhile I'd like to invite those of you predisposed to favor those proposals to repair into the next room where we have arranged for a free biscuits and gravy buffet, trial Netflix memberships, coffee, doughnuts, freshly prepared crudité, a free juice/smoothie bar, musical entertainment, inflatable rides, and a massage booth.
I look forward to an informative exchange of vigorous argument, deafening screams, stomping feet, unfiltered invective, and lots and lots of pictures of fetuses. After which we will hand out sandwich coupons for the "Best Euthanasia Theory." The rest of you will have ample time to enjoy the buffet, smoothies, rides, and massages. Once I and my esteemed opponents have finished screaming ourselves hoarse and fulminating to the point of inducing stroke we will move into Part Two of today's meeting, wherein we attempt to sit around and talk about it like adults. As an extra surprise to promote fellowship and goodwill, every participant who brought their full long form original birth certificate gets to have three throws against me in the dunking machine.
Rep. or Senator shall feel free to tailor these remarks in deference to local customs and firearms laws. Clown costume for the dunking machine should be considered "optional."
- PART ONE: See which losers stay to argue against health reform while deferring the free treats. Representatives of powerful entrenched monied interests really hate missing out on free shit. They'll probably even loudly object about same. Remember to record video and take pictures at this point in the event.
PART TWO: See if anyone returns for Part Two at all. They won't, unless to inquire about the locations of the nearest private convenience facility.
- Categorically deny that you ever came in contact with the strategy guide you are reading now. Avowing this denial before even asked is always the safest route to prevent arousing suspicion.
THAT CONCLUDES THIS ACTION ALERT!