I've always been the kind of person that didn't take change very well. I have never been able to really be introspective enough to figure out how to transform into a better person, but I have always tried. Since a very young age, I have been indoctrinated to believe a few sets of moral values that seem to plague every action I attempt to make. I am a weak person who cannot stand up and truly face the wrongs my religion is teaching. I am a failure in the eyes of most I know. Twenty-two, taking care of my dad living at home, working a crappy job, going to a community college, smoking a pack a day, and wasting far to much time on things that do not matter... This is my life and everyday that passes I lose more and more hope that things will ever change or that I will ever change.
I was woken up at 3am shortly after my twentieth birthday and guided to the bible. My entire life changed that night. Then an overwhelming feeling came over me. I was supposed to be a youth pastor. There are four things wrong with this. Number one: I am a woman. Number two: I am an introvert. Number three: as discussed earlier, I smoke a pack a day. Number four: It is hard to be a liberal in a church of evangelical conservatives
...'she had a vision! praise God!'
It has been 2 years of bull**** since then and here I stand: alone, broken, and pissed off. I can't quit smoking, I will not give up my liberal ideology, and I am incapable of changing. After my 32 year old mentor and friend and my grandmother passed away I have yet to go back to church.
...'she must be out 'sinning' or something'
You are a bad christian if you don't go to church and tithe you know? I physically ache when I think about what they think of me. How dare I support gay marriage, abortion, sexual education, and gun control? How dare I publicly denounce Jerry Falwell's bigotry. How dare I get angry when I see a church leader stand up and preach fear and hate. How dare I.
...'she is a liberal atheist out to infiltrate the church with lies'
To those christians reading this, you are asking why now? I will explain. It was more of a straw that broke the camels back. During this past election, I was bashed by my strong liberal convictions and wanting for Barack Obama to become the president. I was in many debates, all of which I could not win due to the line of false morality that plagued mine and my church's hearts. The more I spoke, the more it worsened. Recently someone sent me a facebook message adressed personally to join a cause in my area. The man told me to join a group from liberty university to infiltrate al gores website will crappy propaganda. I personally declined and decided to post Jerry Falwell quotes on my facebook mocking them.
...'she is attacking a man of god - she has crossed the line'
""Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions" lolzers Jerry Falwell"
""Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them." -Jerry Falwell"
""Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America... Read More"
""If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being"
""Textbooks are Soviet propaganda""
to which I was responded:
"
church member: do not speak against God's anointed....be careful christine...you are treading on dangerous ground..stop it...you are a professing christian.. right?
friend: If quoting the man's OWN WORDS against him gives him a bad name, well, maybe Christine isn't the one to blame here. Just sayin'.
church member: ....I would suggest you read your bible and see what it says about this matter of speaking against God's anointed...... it's not my opinion but God's word about it
Me: Jerry Falwell was not God's anointed... Jerry Falwell was a bigot. Jerry Falwell was a racist. He was sexist. He was a macarthian era zombie. He had no respect for anyone but himself. He was a no good dirty old man and he is probably and HOPEFULLY burning and screaming in hell right now. I claim the christian name, but the bible clearly warns of those like wolves in sheep clothing. I denounce every word Jerry Falwell every spoke and my sincere prayer is that no one on this earth will remember his name in 10 years.
...'she obviously has lost her faith'
I have been dropped from all church members and none of them will respond to my phone calls or emails. I am a leper now.
I am seeing a lot of things I never noticed before. With the crazy health care propaganda going around and the people believing anything they hear.. I am starting to think that maybe I am just as crazy as them. It doesn't matter how many people tell me there isn't a God... I still believe there is. Just like the idiots holding the signs "Obama Lies, Grandma Dies" Maybe I'm naive? Maybe I should just let go. Maybe only then I can be the person I want to be. Religion seems to only make me depressed and outcast for everything. I cannot ever become a conservative, but I can become an agnostic. I don't know why I am being forced to choose sides in this. My ideology stretches far to deep.
As for now, I think I am nearing the end of my faith in God and beginning to step forward into faith in myself and my ability to become a good human being who can help others.
If you made it through this entire diary, thank you for hearing my story.