North Bend, Ore - A giant set of brass balls and an obvious lack of understanding of the relationship between cause and effect has motivated a thief to try his hand at burglarizing the WRONG place - a police station.
Going down?
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Last week a criminal forgot the top three rules of getting away with being a criminal 1) dont get caught 2) when in doubt refer to rule number one 3) never piss off the police so much that they make it personal 3a) Nothing pisses off a cop more than embarrassing him.
The crime: robbing a police station of a radio, two stun guns and a Crown Victoria patrol car.
The dumb criminal: Robert Lloyd Finder
The result of violating rules 1, 2, 3 and 3a: Cops get very creative when it comes time to charging the dumb criminal.
The dumb criminal is hanging out in Coos County jail as certainly their most notorious guest waiting to face charges(that come from that creativity I mentioned).
How did this happen? Sixteen police officers and staff were busy in another part of the building dealing with an assault call. Later, as Police Chief Steve Scibelli walked back through the department, he noticed a missing car. A quick arrest was made when dumb criminal tried to sell the tazers. Dumb criminal also left the Crown Vic on a train track after realizing "oh fuck, I'm driving a stolen police car!" The high-risk low-reward burglary has caused police to revamp their security procedures.
The Laundry List:
Burglary
Possession of burglary tools
Theft
Unlawful use of a motor vehicle
Criminal mischief
Criminal trespass
Tampering with physical evidence
Reckless driving
Police are still too dumbfounded to find anything humorous about the incident. So if you are driving through Coos County, Oregon dont even litter or go one mile over the posted speed - not until police finally realize when it is time to finally laugh again.
No word on if dumb criminal will remain in his life of moronic crime or if he will join Fox and Friends to compete with Gretchen Carlson for the title of "Queen of the Empty Heads On Morning TV". OK, I made that part up.