No really, we are friends. And as a friend, I have to say that you sort of hurt our feelings, those of us who are Canadians, when you start going on about the comparing your health care system to ours.
Oh, not about the misrepresentations about it, lordy no. You can go on about waiting lists that don't exist, and death panels that don't exist, and faceless government bureaucrats who inhabit the space between us and our doctors who also don't exist (the bureaucrats, not the doctors), and about all those Canadians running south for medical care, who mostly don't exist. We really don't mind that. See, in the 142 years of our existence, we've long accepted the fact that your country is full of morons who can't find their own nation on a map (although some can see Russia from their house), let alone actually know anything about someone else's nation.
Goodness knows, they seem to have a hard enough time understanding how their own operates.
Nevertheless, this whole health care debate is making us a little concerned because it threatens one of the very pillars of the Canadian identity: our smug moral superiority. No matter how bad things get with our own health care system, Canadians could at least nod seriously to each other and agree that it may be bad, but at least it's not like the American one. Talking about reforming the American health system, to make it less concerned with profits and more concerned with, well, health, is disturbing because it causes us worry how much longer we'll be able to make easy jokes about how mindlessly stupid your system is.
I'll be honest, we were really glad when a single-payer option dropped off the table early because, man, would that cause a bump to our economy. Why, the economic advantage we get because companies and workers don't have to pay massive health insurance costs therefore making it cheaper to operate an auto parts plant in Canada instead of the US might be diminished. And don't you agree that it's way better for us to sell you your cars than for your people to do it?
So, I say good on you that you seem to be listening the poverty-stricken CEO's of health insurance companies. Someone has to pay for their gold yacht after all, and since we're not stupid enough to do it, I guess that leaves you. Don't take it personally. We all know that almost every large family has, how shall we put this, a "special" child who's a little slower than their friends. It's not really your fault that universal health care, which every other industrialized country has, is just too complicated for the country that managed to place a man on the moon.
I guess the reason I'm writing is don't feel too sad. Someone has to be the butt-monkey of everyone's jokes, the worst case scenario everyone wants to to avoid, the Scrappy to the rest of the Scooby Gang. So, buck up, and keep up the good work of looking bad!
Oh, and Senator David Vitter? Yeah, fuck you, Diaper Boy.