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Preface
This was originally posted (and has been re-promoted a couple of times) over at Left in Alabama several weeks ago. For now only two people seek the Democratic nomination for Governor: Agriculture Commissioner Sparks and Congressman Artur Davis.
I make no apologies to my Yankee friends for a couple of the things mentioned below. As the "advice" provided is tailored to Alabama statewide candidates, any Southerner will "get" why the digs are legitimate. Of course, 98.3% of what's said applies to candidates and their respective campaigns throughout These United States.
Finally, I won't go back through my experience on the campaign trail, from door-to-door "field work", to organizing and presiding over county rallies, to what seems like a 1,000 other on-the-ground activities. Many of you have the same experiences and I hope you'll feel inclined to weigh-in in the Comments.
Enjoy,
BenGoshi
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So Mr. Candidate, You've Decided You Want to Lose
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Dear Candidate:
Now you've begun your campaign in earnest. Your staff is in place, your strategy's set, you've mapped-out the state like a battlefield – with the terrain's hills and valleys and your strong and weak positions identified and you and your generals have a plan of action which you've already put into motion, where to attack, what to bypass, which position to fortify. You're immersed in an adrenaline bath from which you won't emerge until the conclusion of the Primaries, or until November 3, 2010, the day after next year's General Election.
But perhaps, just perhaps, you have . . . Doubts. Perhaps you have a small, quiet little voice in you that occasionally whispers that you don't really want to win, that you'd just as soon go back to a less energized and responsibility-filled life. That, deep down, you envy the people who can just "turn it off" and go home and watch a game or chill out with some real friends at the backyard cookout when the rallies are over or stump speeches are done and all the trash is picked up and packed into overfilled plastic barrels...
While that inner voice can rarely be heard above the din of gymnasium amplifiers and a chorus of schedulers arguing over whether you should re-schedule next week's Huntsville or Dothan "swing-through", I offer the following, just in case the Doubts ever do gain a foothold in your mind and convince you that you made a Really Bad Decision. In other words, in case you find yourself wishing you would lose.
What do I offer? I offer the following, simple guide on how to tank your own campaign without ever having to actually, officially bail; a road map to losing "naturally". I give no guarantees. That is, you could follow my steps below and still win if momentum and The Moment carry you forward notwithstanding your best efforts to run your campaign into the ditch. However, I can assure you that you can maximize your potential to lose by following these easy steps:
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1. Blow-off Supporters Who Offer to Fundraise. If you and your campaign staff know of a supporter who has offered their and other supporters' homes to hold fundraisers in, make a point to not follow-up on that/those offer(s). Make the supporter assume that they're too far down the Totem Pole of Worthies to be taken seriously. I put this suggestion first because it carries with it a wonderful "multiplier effect", to wit: you'll piss-off that supporter and not gain the benefit of their own fundraiser, you'll miss-out on the fundraiser that one or more of his or her friends are willing to host (and, if all goes well, those friends' might be quite high on the ladder of income and profession, so you'll lose all of their friends) and, if that wasn't enough, you'll douse the flames of general enthusiasm that that supporter would otherwise share with friends, neighbors, family, colleagues and the like.
2. Forget Names. This will come easier for some of you than others. Some politicians are just great with names. Love him or otherwise, George Wallace had no rival in remembering names and putting them to faces. So, be the opposite of that: if you're bad at names and you want your campaign to wind down with a whimper come Primary Time, just keep up the good work. Shake the hand of that person who's hand you've shaken at least 6 dozen times since 1998 and give them That Look. You know, the one we all recognize as the "possum-in-the-headlights-but-trying-to-ACT-like-you-remember-their-name-when-you-have- NO-idea-what-it-is" Look. That's always good for turning off supporters one-by-one. If, on the other hand, you're good at remembering names, then just act like you've forgotten a person's name. And give them That Look.
3. Maintain a Supercilious Inner Circle. Your mid-20s-to-late-30s Trusted Staff (meaning campaign staff, or current "office staff", or a combination of the two) should be full of themselves. You know those staffers who really aren't "people persons"? Promote them and tell them how much you appreciate their work. Really reinforce their negative attitudes. Make sure you populate your campaign with as many "climbers" as truly dedicated-to-The-Cause people. You know what I mean by "climbers", those who are using you, Mr. Politician, as their stepping stone to the social standing or wealth they believe will come with, or be augmented by, your gaining high(er) office. Whether men or women, they should be better-than-average looking and carry themselves with some air of superiority so that those who are more-or-less treated dismissively can, with a wrenching flashback, feel the sting of being on the outside of the Circle of Popularity from back in high school days. They need to use That Other Look that they (usually, but not always) believe is subtle or disguised by an quick, half-smile, but which is glaringly obvious to the recipient: the "I'm-going-to-size-you-up-in-.00001-seconds-and-decide-whether-or-not-you're-important-enough- to-talk-to" Look. This is a fantastic turn off and will help your marginal supporters take a hard and favorable look at your competition. You, too, Mr. Candidate, can try this, That Other Look, too.
4. Hire a Jerk to Manage Your Campaign.(A)
5. Let Them Eat Platitudes. You're a seasoned campaigner and you know that by hailing "The Future" and touting "Education as the Key!" and reminding all Alabamians that "We can be Innovators!" and furrowing your brow and getting all serious when you say that "Ethics are Needed!" and "We've had Too Much Waste" you can always get wild and sustained applause. Here, in the first several months of your campaign, you need do little more than pound away with these lines while bringing people up to speed about your Humble Beginnings, or Lessons Learned Over a Lifetime of Service, or your background as a Businessman Who's had to Make Payroll. If you run on these rails for the next 7 or 8 months you'll simply stay abreast of your competition who themselves will also offer up little more than this pabulum. But if you want to give voters a reason to not vote for you, simply keep it up with such all-too-true but more or less vapid platitudes well into Spring '10. Meanwhile, your rival(s) may just begin offering Alabamians a plate of specific and imaginative-but-workable plans to actually bring about the changes and improvements we virtually all agree need to be made.
6. Treat the Unwashed Accordingly. When you visit this or that city or county campaign headquarters and it's buzzing with enthusiastic activity, be sure – just after you've flashed the obligatory smile, and patted a few phone-banking backs as required – to let your guard down and let your accompanying Inner Circle (see 3, above) make sure the volunteers know how busy they (your closest Hangers-On) and you are and how they really don't have time to hear the quick story about the heated argument that almost turned physical that the high school volunteer or retired Korean War Vet got into with one of your rival's volunteers. I mean, of course, we all know how to politely and apologetically extract ourselves from a shaggy dog story; but if you want to throw cold water on a volunteer's support and energy, just make sure you or your staff are as inelegant and obvious as possible about how you/they don't really care about talking with the volunteer, what with you and your staff being so busy and all, unlike the volunteers.
7. Chase Air. If you're a Democrat, pander to Hard Right Republicans who'll never in a million years vote for you anyway (not when they have, say, Tim James or Bob Johnson to vote for). Want proof? Ask Roger Bedford how trying to "out-Republican" Jeff Sessions worked out for him in 1996. And if you want to double-down, do it during Primary Season when the most enthusiastic voters and campaign volunteers are the most Progressive Democrats. Of course the opposite side of the same coin goes for Republican candidates.
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There. As said, I can't guarantee your screwing-up and winning in spite of adopting the foregoing practices and attitudes. But I know with certitude that if you eschew them, if you don't take the foregoing advice, you're more likely to find yourself burdened with the additional responsibilities and hassles that comes with Higher Office.
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(A) If you can find a Yankee who acts as though he or she can't wait to wash their hands after they shake a supporter's, all the better. If he's wildly expensive, you've hit the Trifecta.
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