WASHINGTON D.C.- In an effort to soothe conservative unease over the prospect of a presidential address to America's schoolchildren, the White House has quietly given the proposed speech a trial run in front of a small audience loosely representative of the student body of America's public schools. Following President Obama's remarks, tests were conducted on the viewers to establish whether or not their beliefs had been altered in any meaningful way.
WASHINGTON D.C.- In an effort to soothe conservative unease over the prospect of a presidential address to America's schoolchildren, the White House has quietly given the proposed speech a trial run in front of a small audience origianlly intended to be representative of the student body of America's public schools. Following President Obama's remarks, tests were conducted on the viewers to establish whether or not their beliefs had been altered in any meaningful way.
Sources inside the White House indicate that grassroots pressure fueled by conservative talk radio forced the hand of President, leading to this compromise. This newest compromise follows a string of prior compromises in which lesson plans were deleted and the speech was made optional in many schools. Despite the White House's insistence that the speech will be apolitical in nature, tensions remain high with regard to the possibility of indoctrination of schoolchildren into socialism by the President of the United States.
Entirely different but still anonymous and trustworthy sources indicate that a hastily assembled bipartisan committee floated two possible compromises: the aforementioned testing or a more elaborate compromise that would involve Obama being able to make a short address free of interference but in turn be stricken from future textbooks so that he cannot indoctrinate future generations. Negotiations were apparently cordial enough, but the test results returned by the nonpartisan American Enterprise Institute reportedly have the White house in a state of panic as they rush to somehow stem the tide of well-intentioned resistance against the President's encraoachment into the sanctity of the American classroom.
The children chosen to participate in this unprecedented experimental test run were split evenly male and female but were seventy-five percent white based on the desire of many Republicans that the audience not take into account schools accused of educating illegals. The basis for the actual number seems to be unavailable. Despite this seeming discrepancy with regard to representation, polls conducted on the children seem to indicate that their political beliefs were within a few points of generally accepted Pollster.com averages for the population as a whole on basic questions about beliefs. Tests conducted immediately after the address failed to return show any problems, and the speech appeared to be a go. When asked for comment, one Republican source remarked, "Son of a bitch."
Tides appear to have turned, however, as yesterday, a phenomenally large number of the children turned up dead or missing. The cause of these disturbing incidents seems to have been a newly developed tendency on the part of the children to negotiate fruitlessly and pointlessly with those who wish harm upon them, and whom in many cases actually benefit from inflicting it. Loretta Smith of Fieldsborough, MO says of one incident, "The kid [Nick Shays, just back into town from the pre-screening] just jumped into this van, like it was the most normal thing in the world. All's he said was, 'Sir, you take half. I think you'd like Snickers.'" Ms. Smith's account seems to be symptomatic of many of the reported incidents.
All hope is not lost however, as the White House seems to be on the verge of brokering another deal in which, in exchange for being omitted from history and being followed by an opposition response of equal length or longer, the address will be allowed to be aired in Blue states.