A newly found transcript reveals why the extreme right is so frothed up about "death panels"
Good morning, come on in. Thanks for seeing us today. The results of your Social Utility Test are in and, well, the results were a bit surprising. You scored a ten. We’ve never had a ten before and since the perfect score is one hundred, and you need at least a sixty to be allowed to keep living... Anyway, I thought we could go through these results and see if we’ve overlooked something.
Let’s start with health a physical well being. You have a Body Mass Index of 60.1. Were you aware that a person is considered obese with a BMI over 30? With a rating like this you are prone to hypertension, coronary disease, diabetes, there’s a whole list here, I can have one of the nurses give you a print out if you like. We don’t see many 60’s around here.
I see you have a problem with drug addiction. Let’s see... 10,000 Oxycontin in one month. You know, there’s a reason they call that stuff hillbilly heroin. I afraid this one cost you ten points all on its own. Yeah, the smoking falls under this category too. You like cigars; big Cuban cigars.
You must be aware that importing Cuban cigars is a violation of Federal Law. I suppose that having thousands of prescription drugs without a prescription is not exactly legal either. I should deduct points for crass criminality, but I really don’t see the point in piling on.
You noted on your form that you have a disability. On its own, this could never be a reason for a compliance action, and it should only cost you five points. Your deafness was a result of your drug addiction which means we really have to double the points. That’s too bad.
Most people can overcome a poor score on health with good numbers on the dependent and personal relationships section of the test. Unfortunately multiple divorces don’t help. Discovering your wife is secretly a socialist is certainly a unique reason for a divorce, I have to give you credit. We’ve discovered that people with two or three divorces actually cause more harm than good in society. No children, hmmm. Just an aside but I think that BMI of 60.1 might have something to do with that... I’m just saying. Oh, by the way Mr. Snerdley is not a legitimate dependent. You pay him to pretend to like you and that doesn’t count. By the way, we asked and he doesn’t. You failed to score any points on this section. I know it hurts to hear this, but nobody loves you, and no one will miss you when you’re gone.
On the education and community contribution portion of the test we did notice some anomalies. You refer to yourself a "Doctor." As far as we can see from the public record, you only made it through high school. Most doctors I know go to college and medical school and ...
I see, you’re not really a Doctor are you? We note that you are the head of the Excellence in Broadcasting Network. With two failed attempts at television, we will assume you are talking about radio. (Need I bring up the whole BMI thing again?) I don’t see any Emmys, or Peabodys or Pulitzers... I’m just curious, by what measure have you determined that your broadcasts are "Excellent?" We tried listening, but frankly all I heard were scores of adds. I gleaned that there are a great many people in this country you don’t like. I guess if we overlook women, minorities, immigrants, democrats, liberals in general, Europeans, Canadians, ... I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought.
Oh yes, to make a positive contribution to society, one must formulate an original idea that solves a social problem or advances the well being of society, and then work to implement that idea. Simply voicing hatred for those who do not look like you or whose beliefs are different than yours only serves to tear the country apart.
Mr. Limbaugh. You are overweight, prone to addiction, bad at relationships, and not really all that well informed. In the words of Dean Wormer, "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life son." See the receptionist on the way out to schedule your termination.