Learn from my mistakes! If the Republicans get their way, just follow these easy step-by-step instructions for navigating the new, "choice-driven" insurance market:
- complete at least one year of law school so you can really understand the plans you are reading. Medical school through rotations would also be helpful, unless time is of the essence.
- save up your vacation time from work so that you have the time to read hundreds of pages from each company, being careful to intuit the correct legal interpretation (see above)
- now here's where it gets tricky--decide which deadly disease or grievous injury you will be contracting. Be sure to weigh the pros and cons. Do you want a short illness that's quite painful? Try an auto accident. Or perhaps you'd rather have a long chronic illness so that you can keep working. Remember, it's all about choice! Keep in mind, you may only purchase the required coverage for your special hardship BEFORE it happens, so choose carefully. The psychic hotline may be of help, or perhaps tarot cards. (I chose breast cancer because my favorite color is pink and now I have a whole house full of pink crap, oops I mean adorable pink knickknacks and tote bags and tshirts and m&ms. Believe me, if you have a tote bag fetish choose breast cancer).
- Decide which plan best covers your chosen calamity. Don't overlook important details like I did, such as complications that may arise from treatment and how they would be covered, or medications you might need: If you are on chemotherapy, how far down do your blood counts have to go before the plan will pay for neupogen and/or procrit? how high a fever constitutes a life-threatening infection? Not sure? don't have any foggy idea what neupogen is?--better study up now if we get RepubliCare! An educated consumer is the best customer, and you don't want to be studying that complicated policy late at night while you're trying to fight for your life.
- Cross your fingers, light your incense and pray. At least until you turn 65.