New holiday traditions are among the most remarkable contributions of today’s conservative movement. Each December, there are warnings about a war on Christmas. Tax Day, Independence Day, and, as of this year, September 12 are marked by protests against big government, deficits, spending, and other problems that nobody noticed under the previous administration.
To help these tea partiers and Christmas warriors keep the holiday spirit alive, I’d like to offer ideas to celebrate other holidays:
Groundhog Day: This one is easy. You don’t need Punxsutawney Phil. All you need to do is pay tribute to the classic Bill Murray film by repeating previous tea party protests. Dust off those old signs and head for D.C. (You didn’t throw out those signs, did you? If you did, shame on you, because those nutty environmentalists probably recycled them.)
Valentine’s Day: This holiday is in trouble. Gay marriage is coming. Soon, Valentine’s Day cards will be rainbow-colored instead of pink and red. Honor traditional marriage between a man and a woman at your capitol city or church of choice. Remember to practice this ever-popular slogan: "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."
President’s Day: Demand for the umpteenth time to see proof that Obama was born in Kenya—uh, Hawaii. There’s always a chance that the birthers will be vindicated, in which case they’ll then have to figure out a way to get rid of President Joe Biden.
St. Patrick’s Day: Make this a day of national mourning. If it weren’t for the horrific Irish potato famine, Ted Kennedy’s ancestors would’ve never come to the US. Ted may be gone, but there’s no reason not to remember one of the right’s favorite bogeymen.
Arbor Day: Remember the words of Ronald Reagan: "A tree’s a tree. How many more do you need to look at?" Stick it to the tree-huggers and help L.L. Bean sales by dressing up as lumberjacks. Monty Python’s "Lumberjack Song" would be the perfect anthem, were it not for the part about cross-dressing.
Memorial Day: Honor this country’s fallen soldiers. This is easier when, to paraphrase Barbara Bush, people’s beautiful minds aren’t troubled by stories about dead people and photographs of coffins. Protest liberal media bias with a nation-wide press blackout on Memorial Day Weekend. In fact, in the spirit of the previous administration, you can show your patriotism in simple ways: by taking advantage of Memorial Day sales and thereby giving the economy a nice boost.