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Now, it may be unusual for a Republican Senator to be posting on a radikly left wingy site like this'un here, but you all crossed a line for this good ol' boy.

I'm Senator Lee Pitchahissy from Lighthead Tennessee. Yessir, deep in the heart of the volunteer state. When I volunteered to run after being promised the seat from its former owner, the late but much revered Senator Jackson Bootydo , and the Republican National Committee I knew I had a big job ahead of me. Young ol' Geoge Bush, bless'im, had gone and got the Grand Ol' Party into a pickle over his various policies and such. It was far more difficult to go through the election than I ever thought. I swear, I saw no less than two pro radical left banners and I am told over 50 votes were cast for my Democratic write-in opponent. My wife Honeysuckle dang near swooned the first time I was asked when I thought we might withdraw from Eyerak. Media types have no sense so civility these days.

But bein' in the great United States Senate now these 8 months, I can say that the one thang people are talkin' about is money. And I do I love to talk about that. Republicans, all them radical Democrats, lobbyists, business folk, you name it. Mostly what folks are yammerin' about money wise is health care. More of it some say, make it all optional and publicky and such. This is a great concern to me, as publicky stuff often means that the business folks have to give up a cash cow. Now, I am not much of a rancher, but I do know that a lot of folks can get a lot out of a cow. And do.  

Every time I make me some noise about healthcare at my colleagues on the fringe left in the chamber, I find a sack of cash at the door to my office with corporate logos all over the dang thang. I never even know who brung it, but there she is, prettier'n the last 2 secretaries I had. I swear, it's like there are little money elves with canvas sacks, free pens, and sample pharmacy packets running all over the Dirkson building. And not just at my door. All over. My neighbor of office and state Blanche Lincoln must know some major elfs, because she has to struggle to open her door somedays. Like my staff and House-boy Boehner, she just loves them pharmy packets. Makes it hard to think of her as the radical opposition, most days.

But I hear folks at this locale are not happy about this here arrangement. Ya'll want us to do some changy-ness in the Senate and get this publicky option thang into law. Well, all I can say is that costs money, and will cost my elfy friends a ton of money to boot. That means no canvas bag for me, no induced visions for the House-Boy, and no retirement job when I am done here in Washington. This cannot stand.

You all even say we Republicans want people to die. That set me right off. Now, I know there are folks who don't have health care. I am sure there might be a few in my constitunts even. But upheaving the entire cart over a few folks can't be good, no-how. That's what we have tin cans at convenient stores and local churches for. Hell, every time I see one of those cans, in goes that quarter, like a clock chimin' dinner time every day. For the worst cases, those emergency rooms are pretty darn good I hear. I mean, if you seize up like an old Dodge or run out of blood, the medical folks run right over and move you to the front of the line. That's a humdinger of a system right there. I should try to use that at the Senate buffet line my own self.  I promise will protect that with every fiber of my being and every speech I make at fundraising dinners. Everyone should have a right to a tin can and a church, yessir. I'm on the record for that.

So, we're windin' down this medical argyment here, and you all got to unnerstand how thangs have to go. Heck, Senator Reid surely do, and so do a passel of other not-quite-as-radical Dem Senators, like that Blanchey Lincoln. Heck, Ol' Rahm hisself winked at me on the floor the other day. Dang near gave me a shiver, what what with that gossip about him, a fiddle at Dupont Circle at midnight and all.

We're gonna fix up a few things yessir. The insurance folks aren't gonna deny you buyin' insurance 'cause a some pre-existing liberal condition, no sir. You'll get that insurance. Heck, you'll hafta. Probably will even be cheap. If you use it, well, co-pays are purgatory and deductibles are hell, but thems the cost of doing business. Especially business done with free pens, money elves, and week long research seminars on carp tunnel syndrome from shootin' craps in Vegas. Heh, I said craps.

So we'll get ya'll covered, get rid of some of those evil things you liberals got yer underoos in a wad about, and we'll all keep the door open for them money elves. Just don't get sick, and if ya do, heck, I hear mortgages are getting easier to be had lately. Tin cans are cheap, and most churches can still pass a plate around for ya on occasion.  Just simmer down, and focus on natural foods, yer compost heap, and such. Do some of that there Tie Dye if you have to even, whatever brand of weed that is.

And don't make me come back in here like Andy by-God-Jackson about mountain-top removal minin' and the like. We will go 'round on that one, hoo boy.

Originally posted to Thucydides Junior on Thu Oct 01, 2009 at 03:45 PM PDT.

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