Cross-posted with a Simpsons clip (you know which one!) and Gamblor's NFL picks for Week 6 over at popdose.com.
Last week, when a clearly astonished Barack Obama was announced as the winner, many conservative Americans felt the same way that Vikings fans would feel if Brett Farve had been awarded the MVP before the season had even begun. The president is like America’s quarterback – he doesn’t call the plays (Congress does that – which shows you how dysfunctional a team would be if the plays were called by a committee), but he executes them and ultimately gets credit or blame for the team’s performance during the season. For those who thought the U.S. should have signed the veteran McCain to the starting job, seeing Obama receive the Nobel prize causes all kinds of conflicted loyalties.
Having the IOC spurn Obama and deny Chicago’s bid for the Olympic games was one thing – if Farve had lobbied for the NFL to bring the Superbowl to the Metrodome and failed, his detractors could make a credible argument that the costs outweighed the benefits and the city was better off without it. And they could celebrate seeing him humbled without feeling like they were disloyal to their team. But seeing Obama presented with the peace prize in advance of any tangible accomplishment (other than a generalized detente in world politics that had much more to do with the departure of George W. Bush from the White House) created a lot of confusion for conservative fans of the American franchise.
In the same way that Farve retroactively earning his MVP down the stretch would ensure a playoff run for the Vikings, for Obama to fulfill the expectations of the Nobel selection committee would lead to a more peaceful world, the deaths of fewer American soldiers, and ultimately a more prosperous society. So it’s hard to root for him to fail when ultimately our success as a country is tied to his own. We might do our practice drills with the red squad or the blue squad, but when it’s time to strap on our pads, we’re all wearing red, white, and blue. If you don’t think this is true, just try getting into a conversation with a foreigner who is willing to point out America’s flaws and see how long it takes before you’ve got your country’s back – regardless of how accurate their criticisms happen to be. In honor of our president’s achievement and in hope for its justification down the road, this week I’ve compiled a list of the American presidents who would be the most fun to watch a football game with.
The Top 5 U.S. Presidents to Watch a Football Game With:
5. Gerald Ford. Ford was regarded throughout Washington D.C. as an honest and straightforward guy - well-liked and trusted even by those who disagreed with his politics. And despite his reputation for clumsiness (immortalized by his historic wipeout down the stairs of Air Force One), Ford was without question the finest athlete to have ascended to the American presidency. As a student at Grand Rapids South High School he was the captain of the football team and an all-city athlete. At the University of Michigan he played on both sides of the ball (center and linebacker) and helped lead the Wolverines to a pair of undefeated seasons and national championships in 1932 and 1933. After graduation, Ford was offered contracts by the Detroit Lions and the Green Bay Packers - both of whom he turned down to attend law school at Yale. And although he was sometimes regarded as a dim bulb (LBJ famously accused him of "playing too much football without a helmet") it is guaranteed that Jerry was a wizard when it came to football and would be able to offer a ton of insight into the game if you were to watch one alongside him. The only reason he's not higher on this list is because it's unclear that he would be all that much fun to hang out with. Given his very well-developed Michigan roots, it's predictable that Jerry Ford's favorite team would be the Detroit Lions.
4. Ulysses S. Grant. Moving directly to the opposite end of the spectrum, the 18th president of the U.S. would have known next to nothing about the game of football - he died right about the time that it was developing into a legitimate sport. But given his reputation as an alcoholic, he'd probably be a top-notch drinking buddy. Grant became famous for his exploits in the Civil War, where his capture of the confederate stronghold of Vicksburg, Mississippi solidified his place in history as a bold and brilliant military tactician and served alongside the Union victory at Gettysburg as one of the turning points of the war. Grant was well-respected by coach Lincoln, who once said of him, "I can't spare this man, he fights." And the man could teach Bill Belichick a thing or two about sportsmanship, as the generous terms he presented Robert E. Lee during the Confederacy's surrender helped pave the way for a relatively peaceful reconstruction of the region. Although Grant would have to be schooled in the basic rules of football, it's a guarantee that the tactical nature of the game would appeal to his intellect. And he certainly would have been game to crack open a brew as soon as the ball was kicked off on Sunday. Grant was born and raised in southwestern Ohio, so it's safe to assume that he'd be a fan of the Cincinnati Bengals.
3. John F. Kennedy. The Kennedy fan has famously played touch football at family gatherings for ages, but in his youth John actually tried out for the real football team at Harvard. It's not so much JFK's affinity for football that would make him fun to watch a game with, it's his ability to put together an unforgettable gameday experience. Due to his war injuries, Kennedy reportedly developed an addition to painkillers and other narcotics (fictionally chronicled by James Ellroy in American Tabloid), so it would be guaranteed he'd have some pretty fine nutritional supplements on hand. And with his Hollywood connections he'd put together entertainment of such a nature as to make Joe Francis blush. Given how the Kennedy clan has completely saturated the world of Massachusetts politics for generations, it is assured that JFK would be a big fan of the New England Patriots.
2. Theodore Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt was a pretty fascinating character, rivaling Ernest Hemingway in his unquenchable thirst for adventure. He led the Rough Riders in Cuba and was (posthumously) awarded the Medal of Honor. He coined the term "speak softly and carry a big stick" and completed the Panama Canal. He negotiated the end of the Russo-Japanese war and won a well-deserved Nobel Peace Prize. And this may come as news to most folks, but without Teddy Roosevelt's influence, football as we know it today might not even exist. In 1905 there were 19 fatalities nationwide and Roosevelt demanded drastic changes to reduce the brutality of the game or he would shut it down entirely. The committee of Ivy League representatives that convened in 1906 changed the rules to allow the forward pass, which was the last major leap in the evolution of the modern game. Given his service as a soldier and his love of the outdoors, Roosevelt would be a champion at the grill and would be right at home tailgating. As far as his favorite team goes, Roosevelt once owned a ranch and had a horse named "Little Texas," so I suspect that his football loyalties eventually would have found their way into the Lone Star state. But given his disdain for big business, it seems unlikely that Roosevelt would be interested in supporting Jerry Jones' empire by rooting for the Dallas Cowboys. Instead, I think he'd be a fan of the perennial underdogs the Houston Texans.
1. Richard Nixon. Bear with me here. Hunter S. Thopmson hated Richard Nixon. I mean, he really, really hated him. When asked to pen a eulogy after the disgraced president's death, the inventor of gonzo journalism wrote "Let there be no mistake in the history books...Richard Nixon was an evil man -- evil in a way that only those who believe in the physical reality of the Devil can understand...he was utterly without ethics or morals or any bedrock sense of decency." But in 1968, with his hatred of Nixon already in full bloom, Thompson accepted an invitation to accompany Nixon in a limousine ride to a campaign stop in New Hampshire under the candidate's imposed condition that the two of them talk about nothing besides football. Hunter later admitted that he actually liked Nixon during those short hours, and said of the ride: "It was a very weird trip; probably one of the weirdest things I've ever done, and especially weird because both Nixon and I enjoyed it." If Nixon could charm a man who later insist that the ex-president's corpse "should have been burned in a trash bin," he could charm anyone. Based simply on his qualifications, Nixon would be a blast to watch a game with. He had an encyclopedic knowledge of football, and was one of very few people aside from Howie Schwab who could fill in the location correctly every single time Chris Berman hollered the query "...FROM?" Nixon played football at Whittier college, so he'd be no stranger to the intricacies of the game. He'd have an inexhaustible store of ethnic and racist jokes that you be horrified to find yourself laughing at. And he loved his martinis - he could suck down gin faster than you could pour it on the ground. Nixon was a big fan of the Washington Redskins and had a well-established relationship with their late owner George Allen. Nixon was sufficiently involved with the team that a failed reverse the Redskins attempted in a 1971 playoff game against the 49ers (that was supposedly called in by Nixon) has been forever known as "Nixon's Play." As much as you might have hated the man himself, you'd have been amazed to find yourself having the time of your life watching a game with him.