As you may have heard already, and will doubtless hear much more of in the coming days, President Obama has been photographed bowing to His Imperial Majesty The Emperor of Japan. Judging by the comments section on the LA Times blog, including such remarks as:
This muslim is such a apologizing freak....the man lacks any leadership skills what-so-ever....BOWING....
My guess is that when we capture binaden he will invite him for some goats milk and cheese crumpets....to talk over the good times.....
Obama should be IMPEACHED for aiding and abetting terrorism!
I can only conclude that by this simple courtesy (marred somewhat by mixing the bow with a simultaneous handshake, which is improper), President Obama has unilaterally and formally put an end to nearly 234 years of American republicanism and acknowledged Imperial suzerainty. And I'm all for it.
Sure, if President Obama (or is he now Prime Minister of the United States, now in a personal union with Japan? So many constitutional matters to iron out) had consulted me beforehand, I would have suggested a number of other international monarchs that might have been preferable to the Emperor (quick primer for his new subjects: it is improper to, as the LA Times does, refer to him as "Emperor Akihito"; Akihito is his personal name from prior to his ascension; currently he is simply The Emperor, and upon his demise he will be known as the Heisei Emperor). It would have been so much simpler to just acknowledge that this whole Republic thing has been a bit of a disappointment and returned our allegiance to Queen Elizabeth II, the great-great-great-great-granddaughter of King George III, the last monarch of the Thirteen Colonies. However, if we are to have a monarch, The Emperor should suffice.
So, what changes can we expect under our new Sovereign? Well, firstly, it should be made clear that while in the past he might have expected us to acknowledge him as the Son of Heaven via his descent from Amaterasu, the Goddess of the Sun, this is no longer the case. The Emperor is willing to be a figure of purely secular devotion, and respects people of all religions or none, even if they do not acknowledge his divinity. However, the Emperor has expressed his deep concern over many of America's social and economic problems, including its failure to provide universal healthcare for all of its citizens, as the Emperor's Japanese subjects have. His Imperial Majesty considers this a serious error that will severely diminish the ability of many of his new subjects to engage in secular and/or religious devotion to His person, and must be corrected.
In addition, by special decree, the so-called "American auto industry" is ordered to commit seppuku. The Emperor has wisely decided that they have dishonoured themselves for far too long by producing shitty cars and wasting precious resources when everyone should really just be buying far-superior Japanese automobiles. By this merciful action, much effort will be saved. Further decrees may be forthcoming after the Emperor has concluded a more thorough review of his new territory.
Long live the Emperor!