As our students know, here at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute we're big on measurement. Even when the resident faculty are ensconced in the wine cellar library, drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum ("More wine, more truth"), our quest for reliable measurement is undiminished. We still use the official, heavy-duty BPI Cute-o-meter to evaluate photos of baby humans and baby animals, for example. We're all about credibility, after all.
More below the fold....
New students may not realize that the current BPI Cute-o-meter is itself a corrective measure. Our old Cute-o-meter sputtered and spewed green goo at even modestly cute photos. This of course required the Professor of Astrology Janitor's professional expertise in cleanup, and he attributed his losing streak in the staff poker game to this distraction. So when our Professor of Psycholegalese gave us a brand new, heavy-duty Cute-o-meter, he believed his problems were solved. A better solution might involve not checking the flop while holding pocket Kings, then raising Chef bets at the turn and river after the Ace of Hearts came out at the turn. Of course Chef had an Ace in hand. This set off his plaintive mewls, which ironically we used to calibrate the new BPI Cute-o-meter, and sent Chef off to measure out the ingredients for Polenta Formaggio Casseruola, which she insists is more gourmet than Cheesy Grits Casserole. Chef's insistence on this point raises doubts, but less so than this week's correspondents....
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Yes, my show made an inadvertent mistake in substituting footage from Glenn Beck's 9/12 protest for Representative Michelle Bachman's sparsely attended protest last week. Such mistakes are inexcusable when sites like YouTube make it so easy for liberal bloggers to compare past and present broadcasts. I even apologized on the air after the error was pointed out by Jon Stewart, and corrective measures have been taken. Now are you liberals satisfied that we at Fox News are committed to accuracy?
Sean in NY
Dear Sean,
While your apology is noted, we are reminded of the story of the man accused of breaking into a convent at dawn to copulate with a rabid badger on the breakfast table. His rebuttal that the badger wasn't rabid is what legal scholars call a weak defense. As for corrective measures having been taken, we'll believe it when we see it.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
That's just like you liberals, always so cynical. In fact we have taken corrective measures. In light of this unfortunate incident, my network issued 150 take-down notices to YouTube, directing them to remove Fox News material from their News1News channel commonly accessed by liberal bloggers. This is solely to protect our copyright. We at Fox News hope to never again get caught using old or doctored footage in our broadcasts. Now are you liberals satisfied that we're committed to accuracy?
Roger in NY
Dear Roger,
Your claim that purging 150 Fox News clips from the News1News channel is solely to protect your copyright would be more convincing had you not ignored the 200 Fox News clips posted on YouTube's Conservative Nation channel and the over 600 clips on YouTube's Glenn Beck fan club channel. We are less convinced of your commitment to accuracy than of your hope of not getting caught.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Surely you understand that corrective measures are required to protect women's rights. For example, the Pelosi health care bill would interfere with a woman's rights to make health care decisions in consultation with her doctor, putting government bureaucrats in the middle of these very personal choices. All women should reject such intrusion into their lives and that's why we oppose any public option in health care.
Cathy in WA and Lynn in KS
Dear Cathy and Lynn,
We agree that corrective measures are required regarding the House bill, including removing the anti-abortion Stupak-Pitts Amendment that both of you supported. If the two of you are worried about government intrusion into women's health care decisions, why do you both support mandatory waiting periods on abortion, and even then require proof that a pregnancy is life-threatening or the result of rape or incest? Cathy in WA even voted to grant Fourteenth Amendment personhood to unborn children from the moment of fertilization, leaving women subject to charges of child abuse over any behavior government deems harmful to fetal development. We suggest a corrective measure would be for the voters in your districts to elect candidates more committed to protecting women's rights, including access to affordable health care.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Umm ... are you saying Polenta Formaggio Casseruola is just a gourmet Italian name for Cheesy Grits Casserole? I've tried making grits, but they always come out runny. What corrective measures would Chef offer?
Affamato in Blogistan
Dear Affamato,
Just as your moniker is the Italian word for "hungry," polenta is the Italian word for what Americans know as grits, formaggio is the Italian word for "cheese," and casseruola is obviously the Italian word for "casserole." As for runny polenta, Chef suggests the most common cause is too much liquid. She uses a 4:1 liquid-to-dry ratio, by volume.
Thus for Polenta Formaggio Casseruola, Chef brings 4 cups of water with a teaspoon of salt to a boil, then stirs in 1 cup of polenta, bringing the water back to a boil and cooking for 2.5 minutes, stirring continuously. She then stirs in 3/4 cup of grated Asiago cheese, 2 cloves of minced garlic, and a teaspoon of freshly ground black pepper until the cheese is melted, then sets the mixture aside to cool. Next she beats 2 egg whites until stiffened and folds those into the cooled polenta. She then pours half of the polenta into a 1.5 quart casserole dish, lays in 2" squares of prosciutto with about 1/4" between the squares, then pours the other of the polenta atop that. Finally, Chef bakes the dish at 350° for about 20 minutes, until it is puffy and golden brown. Bon appétit!
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Happy Sunday!