From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Channel surfing: Yesterday
"Welcome to the Today Show. This morning: Sarah Palin's new book..."
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"Oh Joe!" "Oh Mika!" "Oh Joe!" "Oh Mika!" "Let's talk about Sarah Palin's new book, Joe, and how much Obama sucks!" "Great idea, Mika..."
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"Our round-the-clock coverage of Sarah Palin's new book continues on Fox News with amazing new details on how Steve Schmidt paid housekeeping staffs to short-sheet her hotel-room beds..."
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"Headline News has just learned that there are, in fact, five chapters in Sarah Palin's new book. Five, count 'em, five. One two three four five. Or try it backwards, five four three t..."
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"CNN breaking news at this hour: we have just learned that Sarah Palin's new book still has no index! Let's go live to..."
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"And in local news, some Portland residents say they may buy Sarah Palin's new book, but others say they might not. Our eyewitness team coverage begins with..."
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"Welcome back to Hardball. A tingle is running up my leg with the release of..."
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"Coming up on The History Channel: Could World War II have been averted if Neville Chamberlain had read Sarah Palin's new book? A panel of experts says...
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"I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat: Sarah...Palin's...New... "
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For Sale: 1 slightly used TV. Comes with size 8 1/2 shoe embedded. Serious offers only, please.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Note: America is not "going up in smoke," "going down the tubes," "driving into a ditch" or "falling off a cliff." However we are "circling the drain." Please update your records accordingly. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til we run out of fresh 2009: 43
Days `til the Holly Folly in Provincetown: 16
Number of days, respectively, in the Finnish, South Korean, New Zealand and American school years: 187, 204, 194, 180
Rank of those countries, respectively, in reading, science and math scores: #1, #2, #3, #8
(Source: Parade)
Percent of airline flights that arrived on time in September: 86.2% (highest level since 2003)
Number of flights in September that waited on the tarmac more than four hours: 2
(Source: Bureau of Transportation Statistics)
Percent chance that the BiPM household still has Christmas lights up from last year: 100%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 166 (including 3 Tribulation Temples and 4 zombeh kittehs!). Soul Protection Factor 32 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Today marks five years since the first appearance of C&J's now legendary puppy pic. Here's an encore of our very first one:
"Attention bitches and sires! Please talk to your kids about the dangers of pot!"
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CHEERS to moving the ball from the 50 yard line to the 50 yard-plus-one-centimeter line. President Obama and Chinese President Hu ("Who?" "Who's on first." "No, Who's on third. Hu's on first." "Who?" "No, Hu!" Etc.) have gotten to know each other better over the last couple days. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs offered a recap of their delicate talks:
"We were able to reach a sustained and awkward silence on unfettered internet access, imports, exports, free speech, Tibet, lead in their toys, our debt, nuclear proliferation, lead in their pet food, currency manipulation, lead in their clothing, human rights, lead in their souvenirs, Taiwan, North Korea, and lead in their baby food. But we did hear a barely-perceptible grunt of approval on climate change, so we're declaring victory and going home."
But Obama did impress the country in one important aspect. Unlike POTUS 43, he was able to release himself from his Chinese finger trap without sneaking behind the wheels of Air Force One to get help from the Secret Service. Victory indeed.
CHEERS and JEERS to throwing myself a sanity preserver. Last night my glass of cab and I wrote a little rant to blow off some steam:
That's it, kids. I've officially reached my limit on healthcare reform. I'm just not gonna to sit here and care about it anymore when every single Republican and an astonishingly high number of Democrats have "gone rogue" and are simply going to bow, deeply and humbly as if they're Obama meeting the Japanese emperor, to the insurance and pharmaceutical industries and the Catholic church. Jesus, they can't even whip the caucus to vote to open debate??? Their moral compasses are utterly busted and they're simply on auto-pilot as they steer us toward the inevitable bill which Obama will happily sign: the one that will require us to buy expensive health insurance from a lousy selection of private insurance companies who will set upon figuring out how to skirt every new rule that purports to rein them in. For we are a nation ruled by corporations too big to fail and too powerful to be seriously challenged. As far as they're concerned, we can kiss their ass---they own this place. But at least there's a silver lining: insurance company stocks will go through the roof and that will help fan the embers of our meager retirement accounts. Rah rah. So I'm gonna sit back and watch the idiots play their games with our lives, snatching a hollow victory from the jaws of momentous reform. Maybe that's all we ever should've expected.
Pretty sunny, huh. Having slept on it, I don't feel quite so pessimistic. I guess all I can say is I'll be looking for developments---substantive ones, not inconsequential procedural gimmicks---that prove me wrong, and also for substantial arm-twisting by the president. But right now all I see is a pack of wild children with gray hair and lapel pins running around giving each other wedgies and purple nurples, barely aware of how badly they're fucking up. To them I say: quit stealin' my act.
CHEERS to hot wheels. The Oscars of the auto world are out, and Motor Trend has bestowed its 2010 Car of the Year award to the Ford Fusion:
Want an economical midsize sedan that doesn't cost much, yet won't bore you to tears? Need to please your greener side with a high-tech hybrid? Fancy a near-sport sedan with AWD, 18-inch rolling stock, and the latest infotainment and electronics? Depending on which model you choose and how many option boxes you tick, the Fusion can be any of the above. Arthur St. Antoine calls the Fusion "a compelling sweep across one of the market's most hotly contested segments."
And best of all, you can text while driving from a keypad built right in to the steering wheel!
CHEERS to the love that dare not speak its name. Six years ago today, the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled that gay couples were entitled to equal marriage rights in the state. Ed Brayton has a progress report on the state's collapse into disco and brimstone:
[A]fter six years of gay marriage in Massachusetts the divorce rate has actually gone down---and it was already the best in the nation.
But....but....gay marriage was supposed to "destroy the sanctity" of marriage and "undermine the institution upon which all society is based." Chuck Colson said that gay marriage would cause "an explosive increase in family collapse." Sen. Wayne Allard of Colorado said that gay marriage was part of a grand plan to "destroy the institution of marriage." ...
And yet, it hasn't done any of those things. I'm sure there's a perfectly rational reason for this. Perhaps marriage has some sort of residual sanctity that has protected it so far. I'm sure it must be something like that, because it can't possibly be that all of these people were just full of shit, right?
Hmm...
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Journalist and commentator Ed Brayton asks: Perhaps marriage has some sort of residual sanctity that has protected it so far. I'm sure it must be something like that, because it can't possibly be that all of these people were just full of shit, right?
Right!
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to less boob-squishage? Big---and controversial---news from the gub'ment, which now says women may not need to get regular mammograms until age 50:
Mammograms cut the risk of dying from breast cancer by about 15%, both for women in their 40s and 50s. But because younger women have such a low overall risk---the 10-year breast cancer risk for a 40-year-old is only 1.4%---their absolute reduction in death is very small, the report says.
Yet younger women have a much higher risk of being harmed from the tests. That's not because the procedures themselves are dangerous. Instead, women are at risk from false alarms, also known as "false positives," which occur when mammograms produce suspicious findings in women who are actually cancer-free. These women may experience additional pain, expense and worry because of follow-up scans and biopsies.
Health groups are looking over the new mammogram suggestions carefully, but they've already cautioned that it should in no way affect the frequency in which women receive candygrams. Specifically chocolate. Like, now!
JEERS to drinking the Kool-Aid (as in, really drinking the Kool-Aid). Today is the 31st anniversary of the infamous Jonestown massacre. At least 900 followers of the Rev. Jim Jones drank orange You-Know-What laced with cyanide. Time's cover said it all: Cult of Death. By the way, it's also the 31st anniversary of the only time in history anyone ever saw Kool-Aid Man break through a wall and exclaim, "Oh, No!!!"
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Five years ago in C&J: November 18, 2004
CHEERS to ribbon cuttings. The Clinton Presidential Center officially opens today in Little Rock. Not to nitpick, but why did they design it to look like a train car about to hurtle off a cliff? That should be Bush's design.
JEERS to religious extremism. James Dobson, Jerry Falwell and Bob Jones III say election win means Bush owes them nothing less than complete and total evangelical control of the country and smiting of the liberals. Finally we have an answer to the age-old question: what does it take to make the Pope look like Forrest Gump?
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And just one more...
CHEERS to letters from the mailbag. A while back I sent a few shekels to Alan Grayson (D-FL) for his breakout role in defining the Republicans as the heartless, gutless, soulless loons they've become, especially when it comes to healthcare reform. Yesterday I got a thank-you letter from him...basic boilerplate stuff ("Thank you! Love you! Fight fight fight!"). But what came with it is an instant classic in the annals of political thank-you gifts: A bright red bumper sticker, 8 inches wide and three inches tall, emblazoned with the message:
GOP health Care Plan:
DON'T GET SICK.
Ha!!! I don't know if they're still sending 'em out or not, but here's the link to his site. Ours is goin' on the buggy this week. On the right, of course.
Have a nice Wednesday. And now here's 86 year-old birthday boy Ted Stevens to play us out. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"It's a good time to be in Cheers and Jeers."
---Jon Huntsman
11/17/09
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