There seem to be an abnormal larger than normal amount of GBCW diaries these past few days. First there was Colorado is the Shiznit then this morning we have pinkbunny. Both of them are leaving because of incivility.
It got me wondering if a well-timed, well-worded apology might have kept these two solid Kossack contributors from leaving the fold. I started to wonder why we, as compassionate liberals, don't employ The Apology more often.
We've all been there and done that. In the heat of a debate on some thread, tempers escalate and the next thing you know, you've called someone a name or implied they are an idiot. In a face-to-face conversation you would NEVER dream of speaking to someone like that. But behind the anonymity of a computer screen/keyboard/website, "Did you take your stupid pills?" just comes out. The next thing you know, you're accusing a perfectly liberal Kossack of being "no better than ____________" ([blank-fillers include Bush, a neocon, Hitler, etc.])
I did it recently, got called on it and immediately regretted my insensitivity. So I apologized. It took about 1.64 seconds. It didn't hurt. I meant it because I had no business insulting someone I don't even know. And I felt better afterwards.
Then the most amazing thing happened: my apology got Recommended by 17 Kossacks. I got called "classy". Me? Classy? After being mean to someone else? That I was not expecting.
So what constitutes an actual apology? Well, to start, there are non-apologies or "pseudo-apologies". These are the ones that basically say "I'm sorry you're an idiot" or "I'm sorry you're so overly-sensitive". Suite 101 has these as the "Top Pseudo-apologies":
"If I offended you, I'm sorry," implying that only an overly sensitive person would find issue with what happened—so basically, it's your fault you're offended.
"I'm sorry you misunderstood," and weren't smart enough to understand what was really meant. Again, it's really your fault.
"I'm sorry you feel that way," is often a conversation ender, which implies that you’ve reached an impasse.
On the Perfect Apology website, they talk about making sure your tone is appropriate:
[W]hen apologizing always think about which words to use based on the person and your relationship, and the overall tone based on the infraction. The more serious the infraction the more serious the tone should be.
WARNING: Always err on the side of assuming the recipient views the infraction as serious.
Here are a few other tips from a Harvard Business College article called "The Art of the Apology":
- Find words that are clear and accurate—not provocative. A good apology should make the person wronged think, "Yes, she understands." Often what the offended person wants is accountability and vigilance; he wants to know that it won't happen again.
- Don't apologize for the wrong thing. People and institutions tend to apologize for what they find forgivable... If there is no clear relationship between what the offender is apologizing for and what the offended experienced as the original wrong, the apology actually exacerbates the problem. At best, the offender will seem blind to the problem; at worst, he will be perceived as intentionally distorting it. That gives the offended two problems: the original offense and the sense that a similar offense is likely to occur. The offended party thinks, "How can I accept this apology? It makes me appear to be complicit in allowing the problem to happen again."
- Don't think in terms of an "expression of regret." Instead, your goal should be actually communicating your regret, that is, getting it across to the other person. Expression is one sided -— as though one were getting an apology off one's chest. Communication, however, occurs between people, and an apology needs to work well for the other person to be effective. Take the focus off yourself and keep it on your counterpart and the three elements of an apology —- acknowledgment, regret, and responsibility. That protects you from sounding defensive, and your apology will be better received.
- "I want to apologize" is not an apology. It's no more an apology than "I want to lose weight" is a loss of weight. Do the work. Deliver a clear, direct apology; don't hide behind vagueness, circumlocution, or clichés.
For me, I've been trying lately to be a bit more proactive. Before I hit "Post" on some snarky comment, I ask myself "is this really where I want to go with this?" For some comments, the only possible way to take it is to be offended. No minds will be changed, no viewpoints will be more clearly elucidated or understood. These types of comments only serve to heighten the discord and spread around the bad feelings. I get enough of that from my daily life being surrounded as I am by a lot of conservatives and highly-negative nabobs. I actually come to Daily Kos to surround myself with like-minded liberals, people that actually care about others so it's particularly galling and depressing to be attacked. I'm sure that's a big part of the reason for Colorado is the Shiznit and pinkbunny's departures.
As I said in the thread I linked above, I'm trying to get better:
Eclectablog's New Year's Resolution 2009:
"When you make a dumb comments on dKos that unnecessarily hurt people's feelings, apologize."
Eclectablog's New Year's Resolution 2010:
"Try not to post comments on dKos you have to later apologize for. Don't post them in the first place."
I guess you could call that progress...
I'm far from perfect and this isn't a diary where I'm trying to claim I'm above being snarky, nasty or downright mean. I'm not and I'll get caught up in the heat of them moment again, most likely. But, I'm gonna try to be better about this because if more of us did, this would be a better place and we might have more healthy and helpful debates. So I am going to try to avoid the need to apologize by taking that extra moment before I hit "Post" on a comment.
Let's see how well I do.
I'm just sayin'...