From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
No. Thank you.
Yesterday I poked my head into some of the healthcare diaries. Wow---they're a bit intense. In the first one, I lost a buttock. In the second, someone stole my shoes. In the third, I was hogtied and roasted over a spit. In the fourth, my lumbago acted up. But in the fifth diary they were passing out free Oxycodone, so it ended well.
Over the decade that I've followed politics closely, I've almost---almost---gotten used to the punch-to-the-gut feeling of stunned shock that accompanies a bullshit political letdown. The first one I actually remember vividly is when the Supreme Court stuck their thumb on the scale and gave the presidency to the GOP using the airtight logic that to allow all the votes to be counted in Florida would interfere with the Bush camp's assumption that he was the winner. They sure were snortin' somethin' good the night they came up with that.
Iraq, tax cuts for the rich, illegal wiretapping, now health care. The list of wankery is fairly long, and the crappy consequences that ensue are too often a result of misguided Democratic compromise, collaboration and/or capitulation. And it always gives me a knot in the gut that screams, "They screwed the pooch again."
I was having one of those days yesterday. Then the mail came and this made me feel a little better (the opening line is classic):
Dear Nice Person Who Gave Me Money,
I can't thank you enough for all you've done. Your support during my U.S. Senate campaign and subsequent recount was absolutely critical to my success. My race was the closest statewide election in Minnesota's history, and your commitment may literally have made the difference between victory and defeat.
After spending two years talking about what I planned to do if elected, it's an incredible feeling to be here and start getting things done.
My first piece of legislation was the Service Dogs for Veterans Act---which established a program with the U.S. department of Veterans Affairs that pairs disabled veterans with service dogs. I also offered an amendment to the 2010 Defense Appropriations Bill that would stop funding of defense contractors who deny victims of sexual assault their day in court.
I've learned that a senator has the incredible privilege of doing things that make a real difference to real people. That's a privilege I will continue to cherish.
Thank you for helping me get here.
Sincerely,
Al Franken
Then I watched him cut Squarejaw Thunepants to ribbons on the Senate floor. And the knot in my gut loosened up a bit.
I'm still furious over the health care debacle. But thanks, Al, for the brief respite. I needed that.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Note: Dear Salvation Army bell ringer: Sorry about what I done with your bell. I'm emailing you the number of a reputable undersea salvage recovery service. Mention my name, they'll give you a good deal.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2010 midterm elections: 321
Days `til the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver: 58
Percent of Americans surveyed who want us to pass "a global treaty that would require the United States to reduce significantly greenhouse gas emissions": 55%
Percent who don’t: 38%
(Source: USA Today/Gallup poll)
Number of people expected to fly between Dec. 17 and Jan. 6: 41 million
Percent change from 2007, its record-high year: -12.8%
(Source: Air Transport Association)
Length of the longest golf course in the world, which is in the Australian Outback: 850 miles
(Source: ABC News)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 168 (including 1 new antichrist and 1 crazy antichrist warning guy). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "No, I don’t think you understand. See, the way it works is, you don’t touch my monkey. My monkey touches you. Mmmkay? Mmmkay."
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CHEERS to filling holes. Since, to paraphrase Rumsfeld, "You go with the healthcare bill you have, not the healthcare bill you want or wish to have at a later time," I'm trying to find positive little spins on the diluted legislation that seems poised to pass soon. And I found a good one, I think, that helps justify the argument that says we can always improve on the imperfections in the bill at a later time. Case in point: the infuriating doughnut hole in Bush's Medicare Part D bill is being closed:
AARP CEO Barry Rand released a statement thanking Reid and other Senate leaders for committing to closing "a dangerous gap in prescription drug coverage that leaves more than three million seniors without affordable medications each year." ...
The health care bill passed last month in the House of Representatives fully closes the "doughnut hole," but the Senate, worried about the cost of its health care bill, only partially filled the gap in its bill. Reid signaled Monday that the "doughnut hole" would be closed once the Senate and the House merge their two bills -- which will happen after the Senate passes its own bill.
So that's today's happy little healthcare moment. Here...have a flower.
JEERS to running out of time. Just a little reminder that if you have a flexible spending account as part of your health insurance plan, it's likely that you'll lose whatever money you have socked away if you don’t spend it within the next 15 days. Some things that are usually eligible: birth control, smoking cessation, cold remedies (NyQuil: humankind's greatest gift to itself), contact lens solution...stuff like that. But if your remaining balance is sizable enough, we'd advise you to buy something that'll deliver the most bang for your pre-tax buck: senators.
CHEERS to throwing rice and snapping garters---and lord knows what the women will do! Mazel Tov, Washington, D.C., Mazel Tov! Your city council just gave the Catholic Church and the National Organization for Marriage a little heartburn by voting 11-2 for gay marriage. Congratulations. Now, here's my challenge: I'll give a new blender (a nice one!) to the first same-sex couple to get in line with a Justice of the Peace for a tour of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and then pause long enough to get married in the White House. A blender and a toaster oven if you get Bo's paw print on the marriage certificate!
CHEERS to civil disobedience...with pinky extended. On December 16, 1773, rebellious colonists dumped a few hundred chests of tea into Boston Harbor to protest British taxation, an event now known as the Boston Tea Party. C&J always wept on this date until we found out it wasn't the Long Island iced variety.
P.S. Whaddya bet the modern-day tea partiers have no clue that today is their July 4th, Christmas and Easter all rolled into one? Yup, that was my bet, too: one bajillion dollars.
CHEERS to CERN International Speedway. The Super Hadron Collider in Switzerland just broke a record for smashing protons together---50 thousand of them at the highest energy ever. Naturally the scientists there will tell you they're working on the project for its exciting potential to change everything we know about how the universe was formed. But, c'mon, let's be honest...they're really just there to see protons crash.
ONE RINGY DINGY to Oral Roberts. At the age of 91, the good lord done called him home. But let us fall to our knees and thank him for the wisdom he leaves behind:
"[exasperated sigh] God made the female breasts, young man—what's wrong with you handling it, fondling it? Oh, sure, you're married to this girl, you're married to this man, but awww, come on now, let's have a good time. Somebody go get a six pack. Bring in some bourbon. Uhhh, pick up the phone and send in a couple call girls. I go to church, too, but, uh, you know, it didn't make me queer. Well, I wouldn't buy that 100%. [aside] Um, please erase that from the tape, uh, I didn't—let's edit that out, will ya?"
Your secret's safe with me, ya loon. I mean, um, Sir. Have a nice trip.
CHEERS to Hollywood hoopla. Yesterday the Golden Globe nominations were announced. The downsizing dramedy Up in the Air led with six. The Iraq-war bomb-disarming movie The Hurt Locker and Clint Eastwood's Nelson Mandela rugby flick Invictus got 3. But shame on them for shutting out Star Trek! Here are the Picture nominees:
DRAMA: Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds, Precious, Up in the Air
COMEDY or MUSICAL (500) Days of Summer, The Hangover, It's Complicated, Julie & Julia, Nine
Funny. My grammar-checker just noticed I'd written "Clint Eastwood's Nelson Mandela rugby flick" and asked me if I was drunk again. Same answer as always: perhaps.
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Five years ago in C&J: December 16, 2004
YIKES! to incivility. Let's check the Daily Kos Recommended Diaries as of Wednesday morning: "Fuck Ohio and Get Off Kos's Back." "No, You Fuck Ohio. Everyone else, Count." "Fuck Delaware Dem and Get Off Our Backs." I knew the free eggnog dispenser was a bad idea. I just knew it... [12/16/09 Update: Thank goodness the rec list is nothing but unity and civility and sweetness and light these days. That's change we can believe in! Ha Haaaaaaa....]
CHEERS to doing drugs. In a controversial move (the pharmaceutical companies are pissed, naturally), Consumer Reports says it will start rating prescription drugs. Volunteers for the sex pill trials are lining up around the block.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the music man. When I was 10, me and a busload of 5th grade classmates went to see the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra conducted by Lorin Maazel. It was the first time I'd ever heard classical music performed by a live orchestra. They performed Beethoven's 6th `Pastoral' symphony. He was deaf when he wrote it, a fact so astounding that my brain still won't allow me to believe it. I needed a cigarette afterwards and I didn't know why. I love jazz, rock, movie scores and even some rap, country and heavy metal. But Beethoven is hands-down my choice if I'm ever stranded on a desert island. Today is his 239th birthday. He got us all a present: Goose bumps.
Oh, and another sign Christmas is near: right on cue, the 2006 photo of the well-endowed hiney from Heathrow is back on Yahoo's Most-emailed photo list. Um...why???? Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I do find that many of my colleagues who I’m very friendly with, haven’t read Cheers and Jeers and are not very familiar with it."
---Sen. Al Franken
12/14/09
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