I'll be separated by geography from my boyfriend of two years on Christmas. I blame homophobia.
I've been seeing my boyfriend, Paul for two years now. He is out to his friends and colleagues and to his family. He is a doctor and hasn't experienced a great deal of on-the-job discrimination. He is not alone, his resident class had a handful of out gay residents. The new generation seems to be heralding a change in the medical profession. There is an elderly chief resident at their hospital. His choice to be fairly closeted is met with a little amusement, and even eye-rolling by the younger generation.
Paul is also very brilliant, having secured a full-ride academic scholarship to prestigious medical school, he has an MD PHD. So perhaps that has afforded him a little luxury from such unpleasantries. The elite do enjoy special accommodations.
But, when it comes to his family, there is no such pass.
Paul's parents have never accepted his homosexuality with any comfort. They are both Chinese and Catholic, two demographics that individually struggle with the subject. Together I'm sure the shame they feel is formidable.
Paul made real efforts to help them when he came out over a decade ago. He's suggested PFLAG, they won't go. He's introduced them to his friends, they are polite, but suggest he needs to find "better friends." He's tried to involve them with his own GLBT activism, they aren't interested in hearing about it. They continue to suggest he find the right woman, and, after ten years, continue to make attempts to set him up.
Paul's brother-in-law is a devout Evangelical Christian, who will openly quote scripture to him and evangelize to his face about his choice to participate in an "immoral lifestyle." He will also do this in front of Paul's parents at family gatherings. Clearly, this causes great discomfort to everyone.
As an political aside, I find this an interesting demonstration of how homophobia can manifest itself as a weapon of convenience, even in the microcosm of a family. The son-in-law never attended college, and is not a good or stable provider to his wife and children. He does seem to be attempting to wield his "moral superiority" over Paul to jockey for the favor of Paul's parents. Clearly, he is the better "son." It is an excellent tool for denigrating the "favorite son," and an effective smokescreen for his own failure accomplish anything that scholastically and financially compares to Paul's achievements.
So, I kissed him goodbye on Sunday, and sent him off to spend the holidays with his parents. We'll be parted this year, our holidays separated by large swaths geography.
I tease and joke with him, "Send Ann and Paul Sr. my love!" We both know he will not do that. I am unwelcome in their house, it is unlikely they even know I exist. For the foreseeable future, Paul will have to choose; spend his holidays with me, or spend them with his family?
Many straight couples must face similar time-sharing dilemmas. What's the old phrase, "A son is son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life?" Matriarchal presumptions aside, many couples trade off years, or make other accommodations. But for the foreseeable future, there will be no trading off holidays or compromises made for Paul and I. Our relationship is no more recognized by his family than it is by our government.
It's sad. There are other scenarios that can play out.
My mother welcomed Paul into her home over Thanksgiving. In fact, my family went to great lengths to meet him and make him feel welcome and a part of the family. My cousin drove 90 minutes on the Friday after, just so she and her family could share a meal with us and get to know the new addition to the family. I'll say, he was charming and sweet and my family is glad to see me coupled after a long period of singlehood. They were very pleased with my choice. I am now experiencing the pangs of jealousy that come from suspecting my partner's company is more popular than my own. :-)
My Christmas wish is Paul's family can one day find the same acceptance, happiness and peace my family has found. It's my hope that someday I can make a similar impression on Paul's family. It's my hope they'll be able to recognize me not as some caricatured monster, but as a person who loves and supports their son, encourages him to be the best person he can, enjoys making the path of his life an easier and happier experience. Isn't that what anyone would want for their child?
Love is love and good company is good company after all.
Update: Thanks for the rec list and for the condolences. Aw... I shared my personal story because it is merely one of many, it is really very common. The comment thread is filled with other GLBTs that have experienced similar stories, and I thank everyone for sharing. I posted this just to give a face to the unique situations our community deals with, when it it not presumed our partners are invited or welcome. I'm very touched by all the displays of support and sympathy. I feel my story is balanced, and not, as a whole sad. As I contemplate Paul's family, I am very grateful for my own. And hope people realize, it's important for us all to support all families as mine has done, it is very appreciated.