The conservatives -- by which I mean that population normally referred to here as "wingnuts," who live in various distributions throughout all 50 states -- have no plan to address any of our nation's current problems. That, you already know.
Oh, sure, they'll talk about how cutting taxes is the panacea for all economic ills. They'll say our healthcare system is the best in the world despite all evidence to the contrary. They'll blame greedy teachers and their unions for the state of education. And they'll scapegoat, as needed, their usual sacrificial lambs: gays, Mexicans, women, the poor, people of color and that nebulous group of elitists in Hollywood who should not be listened to unless they're Chuck Norris or that one Baldwin brother.
But that's about it. And what it isn't is a real plan.
This diary is about what they're doing in lieu of a plan to fix actual problems. You see, like certain pathogenic microorganisms, conservatism has reacted to the hostile changes in the environment by encapsulating itself in various protective layers constructed of lies, ideology and hatred for Barack Obama. An endospore of ignoramus, if you will.
Again, like pathogenic bacteria, there are many strains of conservative behavior. They're in survival mode now, and each type has a different defense mechanism. So if you'll permit me, I'd like to get out my petri dishes, my microscope and my gram staining kit to have a closer look.
Conservatism Strain Alpha
Genus: Glennbeckii Panickus
Survival Mode: Abject fear
Symptoms: Reading old John Birch Society pamphlets, hoarding food, uncontrollable public sobbing
Prognosis: There's always been something a little "off" about Glenn Beck. I first wondered about his mental state back he began an obsession with the eschatology of extreme Islam, talking on air about the return of the Twelfth Imam and the end of the world. Why should he, an alcoholic turned Mormon, spend so much time thinking about these things?
It turns out Beck seems to thrive in fear, always worrying about something. Usually the end of the world. Most recently, his "9/12 Campaign" (AKA: "We Surround Them") seems to argue for the return of a post-Sept. 11 climate of fear from coast to coast. He wraps this ideology up in a Tony Randall-esque package of 9 values, which include charity, hope and honesty.
His listeners waited patiently for the "unveiling" of the We Surround Them campaign only to be treated to a TV special in which guests discussed burying dead dogs, Chuck Norris threatened to march on Washington and Beck himself wept openly at several points. The conservatives I've spoken with about this awaited unveiling were disappointed that Beck offered no solid plan of action beyond watching his own TV show, gathering in restaurants and trading e-mail addresses.
Conservatism Strain Beta
Genus: Rushbococcus Hyperbolus
Survival Mode: Stringent ideological hibernation, pill popping, cigar smoking, stock trading
Symptoms: Demanding apologies, intense craving for media attention, obsession with failure
Prognosis: The archaebacteria of the conservative world, there has been little to no recognizable change in this strain of conservatism in over a decade. The thing about Rush Limbaugh is that he is remarkably consistent. I know this because I have studied him for years, as a former patient suffering Rushbococcus infection.
While fully capable of living without it, Rushbococcus thrives in an environment where his strain of conservatism is widely reported on and given equal footing with more fact-based observations. The recommended treatment in most situations is to ignore Rushbococcus until the infection goes away.
However, more recently, Rushbococcus has found a new host organism. The Republican Party itself has been struggling publicly with a nasty Rushbococcus infection. The incubation period of the disease is signaled by a rejection of Limbaugh's view of the world, followed by the rapid onset of acute apologies and self-debasing behavior. This is due to the toxic secretions Rushbococcus can release, which are harmful to the human central nervous system and can cause a loss of cognitive function.
Conservatism Strain Gamma
Genus: Hannicella Nationalistus
Survival Mode: Isolation from reality, blame shifting, construction of convenient memes
Symptoms: Flag waving, finger pointing, inability to control speaking voice volume
Prognosis: Hannicella split from Rushbococcus years ago via asexual fragmentation. Since, Hannicella has evolved into a self-sustaining (if internally inconsistent) ideological life form. As a result, this strain of conservatism has vastly different survival mechanisms. Unlike Rushbococcus, who deliberately refuses to adapt to changes in the environment, Hannicella responds to these changes through the construction of an impermeable protective shield that isolates it from the external world.
This is done through an extensive process of blame-shifting. This dense, insular protective layer allows Hanicella hosts to identify one another through the use of mysterious code words ("Acorn," "socialism," "Ayers," and so forth) that are completely incomprehensible to disease-free individuals who are not Hannitized. Our researchers believe these words to be meaningless.
Hannicella lives in two worlds. It insists that the environment in which it lives is the greatest environment the world has ever known, while at the same time conceding that there are immense problems afflicting the environment, each of which may be blamed upon a series of other organisms -- who are simultaneously stupid and ineffectual, yet organized and fearfully dangerous. More grant money is needed to determine the effect of external stimuli on this strain. Researchers theorize that any external pressure could immediately rupture Hannicella's fragile cell wall, causing instant cell lysis (death).
Conservatism Strain Delta
Genus: Santellii Teabaggus
Survival Mode: Intense anger, furious blogging, "Palin '12" bumper stickers, reading Ayn Rand
Symptoms: Crazed, purple-faced rants; public rituals involving tea products , intense periods of mourning and a feeling of imminent dread
Prognosis: The newest strain of conservatism, Santellii Teabaggus developed rapidly, some biologists say too hastily to develop a proper evolutionary niche. Scientists familiar with the strain say Teabaggus is sustained entirely by rage, which pumps constantly from the organism's swollen, overdeveloped mitochondria. The rate at which Teabaggus secretes and consumes rage -- its lone energy source -- causes some researchers to believe Teabaggus could burn through its life cycle faster than any other strain.
Formed in the wake of a television broadcast by alleged CNBC reporter Rick Santelli, Teabaggus' anger is limited only by the lack of direction in which to point this anger. Indeed, host organism have been observed gathering in groups, socializing for a few moments and then dispersing quietly.
More research grants are needed to study this new strain, but our knowledge of its life cycle is expanded because it is so similar to other strains (IE: Few changes in behavior, an overall sense of entitlement and a propensity for misdirected hatred).
Conservatism Strain Epsilon
Genus: Nobamus Derangus
Survival Mode: Waiting for 2012, demanding to see birth certificates, buying guns
Symptoms: Chronic hopelessness, desperation, overeating, sleeping
Prognosis: Nobamus Derangus afflicts its host with a reflex action of intense dislike of any policy proposed by the president. Indeed, a host that formerly rejected any hint of dissent with the previous administration will now embrace rebellion against authority. A full-blown Nobamus infection renders the host physically incapable of saying the word "president."
Decreased mobility, sluggishness and apathy are all symptoms, although these occasionally give way to prolonged anti-government rants and gun show attendance. It is believed that this strain is a mutation of an older, now-extinct strain, the cigar-shaped Impeachus Clintonii.
Nobamus Derangus is capable of forming a symbiotic relationship with any of the other, aforementioned strains of conservatism pathogens, causing a mixture of symptoms that can make positive diagnosis of Nobamus more difficult. There is no known cure for Nobamus, as common treatments (such as listening to another perspective) are rejected by most hosts.
Epidemiology and treatment options
Each of the pathogens reviewed here are not readily transmissible to the general population, given their ineffective survival methods the inability to survive outside a host organism. Contaminated sources of information (Fox News, CNBC, the Wall Street Journal) should be avoided to avoid infection.
Direct physical contact with an infected host is harmless, and can even be helpful in the treatment process (those inflicted with Nobamus Derangus in particular seem to respond well to friendly hugs). Protection should obviously be used during any sexual contact. Airborne transmission via AM radio airwaves is a concern, but as noted, the general public is well inoculated against most known forms of conservatism infection.
Preventative measures include: primary, secondary and continuing adult education; reading books; local, intranational and international travel; talking to people who hold contrasting viewpoints and a general ability to listen rather than shut out new information sources.
Speaking more broadly, perhaps the best thing you can do for an infected individual is to tell them that the past eight years have been difficult for you as well, and the next eight will be equally hard for them. But you made it through, and so can they. Additionally, they have an advantage you did not have -- a popular, intelligent, competent president who actually has a plan to address real problems.