I see quite often here a lot of pointless and argumentative comments. A lot of heat and very little light is generated on a daily basis on DKos. Enough that I think I could run my PC, heat my apartment and still have plenty left over.
In most comment threads you have people with differing opinions each attempting to convince the other they they are right and others are wrong. If one wishes to convince others or win them over, insulting them is exactly the wrong way to go about it. Being arrogant and selfrighteous is a losing strategy.
How is one to discuss notions one finds ridiculous without resorting to the term ridiculous?
This is an excellent question. How DOES one talk to others about highly emotional issues and possibly enlisting them to your side without at the same time alienating them? The key is to substitute other less judgmental words or phrases. Here is a guideline taken from Marsha Linehan's skills manual on how to be effective in interpersonal relationships. There is a good deal more that can be said about this issue. If there is enough interest perhaps we can explore it further.
Guidelines for Relationship Effectiveness
- BE GENTLE
People tend to respond to gentleness more than they do to harshness. Avoid attacks, threats, and judgmental statements.
No attacks. This one is pretty clear. People won't like you if you threaten them, attack them or express much anger directly.
No threats. Don't make statements like "I'll kill myself if you...."
Tolerate a no to requests. Stay in the discussion even if it gets painful, then exit gracefully.
No judging statements. No name calling, shoulds or implied put downs in voice or manner. No guilt trips.
- Act Interested
This involves being interested in the other person. People tend to feel better if you are interested in them, and if you give them time and space to respond to you.
Listen to what they have to say (i.e. share the air time)
Don't interrupt, talk over to the other person
Be sensitive to the other person's desire to have the discussion at another time if that is what the person wants. Be patient.
- Validate
Be nonjudgmental, out loud. Validate the other person's feelings, wants, difficulties and opinions about the situation. Find the "grain of truth" in what the other person is saying. Try to figure out what problems the other person might be having with your request, then acknowledge their feelings or problems.
"I know that you are very busy, but..."
"I can see that this is very important to you...."
"I know that this will take you out of your way a bit...."
This is a good skill to practice even if no conflict situation arises. More than any other skill, this one has the potential to affect the quality of relationships.
- Use an Easy manner
Try to be lighthearted. Use a little humor. Smile. Ease the other person along. This is the difference between soft sell and hard sell. People don't like to be bullied, pushed around or made to feel guilty.
Using the GIVE skills in difficult situations
GIVE skills can make even difficult situations a bit more palatable. For instance, there will be times where you have to stand up for yourself and allow the other person to be angry, sad or disappointed.
"I know that you are disappointed that I have responded to your request in this way. I am going to have to live with you feeling disappointed in me for now."
A way to remember these skills is the word GIVE
Gentle (Be)
Interested (Act)
Validate
Easy Manner (Use an)
These skills are not feel-good psychobabble. They real techniques based on years of clinical experience. They are real, objective and best of all, they work where other strategies, like name calling, ridicule and verbal abuse, do not work.
You are of course free to continue to use strategies that are known to fail but the odds are that you will not succeed in getting the things you want. You will fail to achieve your goals, win friends and influence others. That's ok, it's your choice.