(This diary has been sitting in my draft folder for about a month. I don't remember exactly what inspired me to write it in the first place, but some comments in a thread have inspired me to publish it. Then I am off to the dentist. If there are any comments when I return, I'll reply to them then!)
It took me awhile to figure this one out myself. Why would it bother me when people say things like, "You're such a great mom," or "Your daughter is lucky to have you," or "I admire you so much, I could never do what you do" or the one that aggravates me the most, "God wouldn't have given you this challenge if he didn't think you could handle it."?
These are nice things to say, no? And the people who were saying them are good, caring people; kind people who are trying to support me and make me feel better.
I think I finally have it worked out now. Here's why it bothers me so much when people say that I'm a great mom:
I hear these things from friends and strangers almost every day. I have a daughter, aged 9, who suffers from severe autism, who can be a joy and a real challenge at times. People want to be supportive and kind, which I appreciate. So why is it that over the past few years it would make my blood boil just a little bit to hear these words? I set my jaw, smile and say my thanks, but secretly I want to pinch them, just hard enough to hear them squeak.
It's not a normal reaction, and at first I was bothered by it. I would think, "How awful of me! How ungrateful!" After some time I wanted to explore this reaction I had, because it was confusing to me.
A few days ago Dawn Broke Over Marblehead and I figured it out, but it still bothers me because it's judging people for something they do unconsciously; I don't think they even realize what their doing.
When people say to me "You're a great mom," what they're really saying is, "I absolve myself of responsibility for this problem." They want to think to themselves that I've got it all under control, that somehow I'm super-human and can handle all this with aplomb. If this is true, then they don't have to do anything further, they can just go on with their day and tiptoe through the tulips because all is right with the world.
I feel guilty when people say I'm a great mom, because I'm not. I'm an adequate mom. I try hard to make sure I meet the minimum requirements for my three kids, but I lose my temper sometimes. The house is a mess. (Thank God for my husband who picks up the slack) I don't plan great birthday parties, I don't do fundraisers at the school. Sometimes when I'm having a rough day I might wait a tick or two before running upstairs to deal with the screams coming from above because my autistic daughter just threw a computer monitor at my son. That's not being a great mom.
I don't mind that I'm not a perfect mother. I know that I have a lot on my plate, and some things get lost in all the tussle of daily life at my house. I try not to be too hard on myself, and just cross my fingers that my kids will feel the same way when they grow up.
I spent a lot of time thinking about what I would prefer that people say to me, rather than, "She's lucky to have you".
My favorite thing is, "Here's my phone number. If you're stuck one day that hubby is out of town and need a hand, or need me to pick up your other kids from school, call me." I LOVE that one. Because that is the single most needed kind of help I need--a hand in a pinch.
If you feel for whatever reason you can't offer that kind of help, then you really don't have to say anything. Honestly. I would truly prefer a soulful smile of solidarity and a pat on the shoulder to a complacent utterance that's supposed to make me feel better but really makes me feel worse.
Or a wink. I love getting winked at!
One more suggestion. A good joke. Especially if I'm having a hard day and I might be tearing up a little. It's embarrassing to do that in front of strangers! A well placed joke is a miracle worker, and I would rather laugh than cry any day of the week.