(You asked for it, folks.)
"As American as apple p**" no more.
At a loss for legislative action to take in an economy in which spending is dictated by nickels, dimes and not nearly enough stimulus money, city councils across America on Monday banned anything and everything to do with the baked desserts with fillings such as apple, peach, pumpkin and mince meat. The ban extends to even using the word.
The ban is not expected to survive a First Amendment challenge, but until such a challenge succeeds, the ban is law.
Violation of the law is punishable by up to three years, one month and 22 days in prison -- or roughly 3.14159 years behind bars.
But Americans are not amused.
"It's not even that I never thought this day would come," says Baltazar Elizondo, owner of The P** Piper, a bakery in New Brunswick, N.J. "I ... there was never a reason to even think about the idea of this day coming. It would be like wondering if they would this to muffins."
Elizondo is not alone. Four Seasons executive chef Mariana Rubio is busy trying to figure out how to use up several 10-pound cans of fruit filling.
(If loving p** is wrong, I don't want to be right. And fortunately, I'm not right -- nor am I telling the truth.)
"The (dessert) crusts aren't an issue because we make those here anyway, so we can just take the ingredients and make more of something else, but how do you take sugared apple wedges or cherries in that sugary syrup and make it work in another medium?
"I guess we'll just make compotes for a few weeks," she said, with more than a hint of sadness. "If the economy weren't so bad, I'd just donate the fruit to a soup kitchen."
"But really, I have to wonder -- I respect the law and all, but how does this help anyone?"
County fair organizers are stuck wondering the same thing.
"A quiche-eating contest just isn't the same," lamented Joe Hagan, who runs the Hillsboro County Fair and is also an alderman. Hagan wouldn't comment on how he voted on the measure. "Say what you want about the nationwide trend toward obesity, but it's not like we just took the banhammer to the deep-fat-fried bacon-and-sausage salad.
"God, that sounds gross."
The news is hitting even separate industries like ice cream manufacturers. Said Haagen-Dazs Chief Executive Officer Rolph Feldt, "Our stock is down already 20 cents today on this news. We were already hurting because of the economy, so this just doesn't help at all. Our products are absolutely good on their own, but who doesn't like a big ol' dollup of vanilla ice cream on that nice, warm slice of America?"
About the only people not complaining about the biggest hit to the food industry since labeling was introduced are ice cream salesmen.
"I guess kids won't be the only people looking forward to the familiar ring of our trucks now," said Ronnie Black, spokesman for the American Association of Ice Cream Truck Drivers, whose members have fallen from 45,000 in 2003 to just 21,000 as of last month.
On social networking Web sites, news spread like wildfire, with one Facebook user starting a group named "When come back, bring [food] back!"
Within two hours, the group had 45,000 members, with comments comparing today's shocking legislation to Adolph Hitler, fascism and, oddly, prayer in schools.
"First they came for my Bible, but because I was home schooled, I did not stand up," one user said. "Then they came for the [food]. And my gosh am I standing up now!!!!!"
And for now, at least, hundreds of thousands of Americans are not standing by this intrusion into public life. Calls to the city councils of each state capital revealed that mayors are taking a beating on the issue.
"The citizens of New York have always been quick and forthright in letting us know what they think, and today has absolutely been no exception," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. "And I've heard they're not happy, and I expect this issue to unite Americans of all stripes."
"Democratic, Republican or independent, gay or straight, black or white, young or old, rich or poor, there is one thing that unites us today, across America, from the warm and inviting shores of the Hawaiian islands to the rocky coast of Maine, in the heartland of this great nation and stretching out as far as the eye can see," said President Barack Obama. "Americans love this dessert food, and we will not stand idly by as it is taken from us."
Obama said his advisers were working to determine if a presidential executive order could overturn the nationwide ban on the food.