From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
C&J Writes A Letter
Dear Conservative Free-Market Capitalism Muckety Mucks,
Why haven’t you fixed the economy yet? Seriously---what gives?
I'm asking because conservatives in fancy suits keep telling me---okay, screaming at me---about how fundamentally sound their ideas are, and how the private sector, not the government, is our best and greatest hope for making the economy leap back to life like Mark Sanford's libido when he lands at Ezeiza International Airport.
So what's the holdup? We've been in a recession since December of 2007. Why aren’t things all better yet for ordinary Americans? You were so awesome at making the mess, but cleaning up the pile of poopies you left on the nation's living room rug seems to be proving a bit more, um, problematic. Why?
You've got an army of giant, throbbing brains in your right-wing think tanks working day and night. The Heritage Foundation has never been wrong...just ask 'em! And the U.S. Chamber of Commerce never misses an opportunity to proclaim their infallibility in multimillion-dollar ad campaigns. So...why are we still in Sucksville? And why does the evil Big Government seem to be running circles around you?
And don’t try and hide behind the fact that there's a Democrat in the White House. He's been shoveling money into your coffers faster than Sarah Palin shoveling bullshit through Twitter. And he's hardly put a regulatory straightjacket on you...more like a snug cardigan sweater.
I admit I'm not an economist. I don’t know a Laffer curve from a box of David Vitter sex diapers. No, I'm just a simple, average citizen who has listened to you jawbone for decades---amplified non-stop by Fox News, CNBC, the Wall Street Journal and right-wing radio---about how perfect your system of "unfettered everything" is. How greed is good and regulation is the devil's work. And yet, you seem to be strangely ineffective at fixing it when it breaks. Could it be you've been bullshitting us all along? Are you nothing more than the financial equivilent of a bunch of two-year-olds randomly pushing buttons in the command center at NORAD? Or did you just lose your instruction manual? (Check under the couch!)
Fix the damn economy on Main Street already, you Ayn Rand-worshipping free-market capitalist wizards. Show us how it's done. Be the heroes we've been holding out for. I'll check back on your progress in 30 days. I expect Americans to be squatting over solid gold commodes by then. That's how much I believe in you.
Sincerely,
Billy
P.S. Make sure you do it honestly, ethically and legally. That won't be a problem, will it?
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, August 11, 2009
C&J schedule note: Tomorrow morning we're boarding our dirigible "Barney Frank One" and sailing off to Pittsburgh for the Netroots Nation convention and gay bar inspection tour. The volunteer C&J surrogates will make mischief in the diaries until our return on Tuesday, August 18. If Bill O'Reilly stops by to snarl and compare us to the KKK, please give him my best. And by that I mean my best left hook.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Bill Clinton's birthday: 8
Days `til the Crown of Maine Balloon Festival in Presque Isle: 16
Number of states in which Barack Obama's approval is under 50%: 2 (Wyoming, Alaska)
(Source: Gallup)
Number of functioning stoplights in Baghdad: 7
(Source: USA Today)
"Boat price" of Maine lobster in 2007: $12.00 a pound
Current price: $2.50 a pound
(Source: Maine Sunday Telegram)
Number of baseballs that all 30 major-league baseball teams use over the course of a 162-game season: 220,000
(Source: Parade)
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And now...the final "Pimping Pittsburgh!"
Brought to you by the Netroots Nation Convention August 13-16:
On August 11, 2009, Pittsburgh officials received their final message from Portland, Maine:
KATY BAR THE DOOR STOP WE'RE COMIN' TOMORROW STOP LEAVING ALL OUR SCRUPLES AND INHIBITIONS AT HOME STOP PLEASE MAKE SURE OUR RENTAL STEAMROLLER IS GASSED UP AND READY TO GO STOP ADD ANOTHER ONE FOR M. BLADES AND PUT ON MY TAB STOP THEN BEGIN EVACUATION PROCEDURE AS SUGGESTED STOP YOUR CITIZENRY WILL THANK YOU STOP SERIOUSLY END
They ignored it. A decision they'd live to regret for decades.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Well, it ain't the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich, but...close enough.
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CHEERS to the life of Eunice Kennedy Shriver. The sister of JFK, RFK and Teddy has died at 88:
Realizing the children were far more capable of sports than experts said, Shriver organized the first Special Olympics in 1968 in Chicago. The two-day event drew more than 1,000 participants from 26 states and Canada. By 2003, the Special Olympics World Summer Games, held that year in Dublin, Ireland, involved more than 6,500 athletes from 150 countries. ...
Shriver was the recipient of numerous honors, including the nation's highest civilian award, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, which she received in 1984. In May, the National Portrait Gallery installed a painting of her---the first portrait commissioned by the museum of someone who had not been a president or first lady.
Our condolences to the Kennedy and Shriver families. She'll be missed.
CHEERS to virtual mercury spillage. Well, y'all have gone and done it now. You exploded the Netroots for the Troops fundraising thermometer. The ambitious goal was $50k, and the final tally is $57,377. But we aren't done yet---not by a long shot. We still have to pack the 300+ care packages at Netroots Nation, get 'em addressed, and make sure they get to their Iraq and Afghanistan destinations in one piece---Blindfolded!!! (I, for one, plan to cheat by cutting slits into mine. Shhh...) If you donated but you can't be in Pittsburgh with us when we get down to work, please know that, as we transform your generosity into practical and much-needed material support for our super troopers, your presence will be felt. Well, assuming I remember all the instructions I read in Yoda's book, The Force for Dummies.
P.S. The Pittsburgh media appears to have caught the scent of Netroots Nation. Their exact words: "Hey, buddy...you smell pie?"
CHEERS to a friendly li'l chat. President Obama will be in Portsmouth, New Hampshire today, speaking to an audience of 1,800. Naturally, the opposition is barking orders to its gullible goon squad to go and cause trouble. To keep it fair, Obama will field questions with one brain lobe tied behind his back.
JEERS to dumb moves. On August 11, 1984, during a radio voice test, President Reagan joked: "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that would outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." (Listen to it here.) The Russians had a good laugh over it...right after they carefully put their missiles back in their silos and sucked down a bottle of vodka (not necessarily in that order).
CHEERS to thankin' Heaven for 7-11. Good news from the Mother Nature trackers at the NOAA: they say that the Atlantic hurricane season will be milder than they predicted in May. Instead of 9-to-14 named storms, the forecast is now 7-to-11. By the way, the second storm that forms will be called "Bill" this year. I can't reveal exactly what kind of storm I plan to unleash with my superpowers, but I'll give you a hint: you might want to add Chuckles protection to your insurance policy.
CHEERS to cleaning up after "The war to end all wars." On August 11, 1919, Germany’s Weimar Constitution came into being. It was quite liberal for its time, bestowing more rights than we currently have in this country:
Persons have the right to be notified within a day of their arrest or detention as to the authority and reasons for their detention and be given the opportunity to object. This is equivalent to the principle of habeas corpus in the common law of England and elsewhere. (Article 114)
A German's home is an asylum and is inviolable.(Article 115)
Privacy of correspondence, of mail, telegraph, and telephone are inviolable. (Article 117)
Germans are entitled to free expression of opinion in word, writing, print, image, etc. This right cannot be obstructed by job contract, nor can exercise of this right create a disadvantage. Censorship is prohibited. (Article 118)
Wow. And then Hitler came along and fucked it all up. Anyway, it was signed 90 years ago today by President Friedrich Ebert. He gave it two thumbs up.
JEERS to the "relentless summer of melt." Here's some more iron-clad evidence of global warming that the deniers will take glee in ignoring: the polar ice caps are melting faster and faster:
From the barren Arctic shore of Tuktoyaktuk in Canada's far northwest, veteran observer Eddie Gruben has seen the summer ice retreating more each decade as the world has warmed. By this weekend, the ice edge lay some 128 kilometres at sea. "Forty years ago, it was 40 miles [64 kilometres] out," said Mr. Gruben, 89, patriarch of a local contracting business.
Global average temperatures rose 0.6 degrees in the past century, but Arctic temperatures rose twice as much or even faster, almost certainly in good part because of human-made greenhouse gases, researchers say.
Environmental experts say they're ready to take a drastic, unprecedented measure to restore Arctic ice levels: pay Ann Coulter to move to the North Pole and just sit there.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 11, 2004---Triple Play!
CHEERS to Jim Rassmann. Kerry swift boat crewmate deflects SBVFT smear campaign with op-ed in Wall Street Journal: "But when the noise and fog of their distortions and lies have cleared, a man who volunteered to serve his country, a man who showed up for duty when his country called...will stand tall and proud. [...] Swift Boat Veterans for Bush should hang their heads in shame." Yeah. If they had any.
JEERS to snarky choices. Bush nominates Rep. Porter Goss (R-FL) as new CIA chief. His contribution to civility re: Valerie Plame investigation: "Somebody sends me a blue dress and some DNA, I'll have an investigation." Great...he'll fit right in with this administration.
CHEERS to diary flotation devices. Kos implements "Recommended Diary" feature, allowing the best and the brightest to stay longer on the surface of the deep orange sea. But...you will come visit us bottom-feeders from time to time, won't you?
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And just one more...
JEERS to billable bullshit (via Kossack "Simple"). I, Bill in Portland Maine, vow to veto any health care reform bill that crosses my desk that doesn't put a stop to the obscene practice of giving basic services fancy names and then overcharging for them. Exhibit A: "$11 for a box of tissues, itemized as 'a disposable mucus recovery system.'" It'd be hilarious if it was in, say, The Onion, but that kind of shit is happening in real life all across the country with the joy and blessing of the smug and powerful medical-industrial complex. I guess what disappoints me most is knowing that someone, somewhere---an actual human being, and American, no less---tapped out "Disposable mucus recovery system" into an email, sat back with a big 'ol grin and, before sending it off to the suits in the penthouse suite, took a moment to bask in the glow of such brilliant obfuscation. I hope he or she got a whopping case of pixelburn. Which can be treated with a Proprietary Asphodelaceaeic Botanical Epidermis Pacification Shield. Aka: dollop of aloe vera. That'll be $150, please.
Have a nice Tuesday. May your aim be true. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
The Cheers and Jeers IQ test results are in: Even the average dog has the mental abilities of Bill in Portland Maine.
---LiveScience
8/8/09.
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