His name is Rick Deckard, and this is the story of how he ended up down there.
THREE MONTHS EARLIER
"Meet me at the Reagan Library in 3 hours," was the deep-voiced instruction to Deckard. The message was as mysterious as it was dully rendered. "Your unique services are required." Click.
In the "Iran Contra Room" of the Reagan Library, Deckard found a man waiting with a briefcase full of money. It was Lou Dobbs. He was surprisingly boring even when dropping off slush money for the nastiest political dirty trick of all time. No wonder his ratings suck, thought Deckard. If you can’t manage a little enthusiasm in the middle of high-level skullduggery, how can you do it on the air mono-toning on about automobile bailouts? "Come back to the library the same time tomorrow night and meet the Birther leadership," Dobbs said uninterestingly.
When he entered the room to meet the Birthers, Deckard saw the usual suspects, Limbaugh, ORLY and Hannity, but he was surprised to see some joker dressed up like the Pope and another evilly-leering goofball in a Severus Snape costume. Deckard soon learned that the joker dressed up like the Pope was Pope Benedict XVI and the goofball in the Harry Potter costume was actor Alan Rickman. Without introduction, Hannity said, "We have a time machine, Deckard, and we need you to escort ORLY back to the time of Barack Obama’s birth." There it was. He let it sink in. He would be a Birth Runner.
The Birthers had spent trillions of Rupert Murdoch FoxDollars trying to build a time machine. Their plan was to travel back in time to Hawai’i to prove that baby Obama was not born there. Even though they’d bought off the talent at MIT and Stanford and rented all the eggheads at NASA, they'd never approached success. Almost giving up, they decided to work the problem from a new angle: Ask a Democrat. Ironically, it was Senator Obama who gave a Fox correspondent the idea during a BS session on the plane during the presidential campaign. When asked how he would build a time machine, the future President said, "Build? Reverse engineer it. Go to a place and time which would be irresistible to future time travelers and cast about for the time machines that are surely laying about."
Even as the Fox reporter returned a blank stare while recording the conversation, Senator Obama continued, "And don’t expect any fancy devices. If future people are smart enough to work out a time machine, they’d be smart enough to camouflage it. Look for an old car or a Port-a-potty with an ’out of order’ sign on it." This made sense to the Birthers, and later that year, they realized that the inauguration of President Obama would be the perfect historic event to test out the theory. As it turned out, the D.C. area was crawling with time machines that day if you bothered to look for them.
After some experimentation in the time machine, which included mucking about helping the Salem Witch Trial prosecutors, ORLY was ready to travel back to Hawai’i circa August 4, 1961. But when they got the money shot, it angered ORLY to her core, and she only managed a weak, "D’oh!," when she saw baby Obama. The pediatrician on staff that day, Dr. Irving Groening, said, "Ha-ha! That’s a funny word -- ’d’oh’ -- I like it!"
Back at headquarters the Birthers decided to hide the information and continue with their plan to defame the President. By that time, Deckard was sick of them. Snape had been on him all day, every day, Dobbs was more boring than the Bird Channel and Sean Hannity was full-out Glen-Beck crazy. He realized that they were worse than replicants; these were Republicans, with a shelf life of only 4 years, 2 years for some models, and they were really touchy about that. He vowed to get the photos to the proper authorities.
It was Dobbs who found out about Deckard’s plan to spill the beans and pushed him off the roof of the Reagan Library. "Muuhahahaha, muhahhaha, muhahaha," Dobbs cackled in a surpisingly dull manner as Deckard dangled above the street. And the hand that punched out Dobbs and pulled Deckard to safety? The hand that made these photographs and this story possible? That was Rickman’s.