This was a satiric story I started a couple of years ago, (I wasnt all that far off on some things, go figure) but never really finished. I was reminded of it sitting on my hard drive, when Jonah Goldberg of the National review online, insisted that there were plans against Canada in the works.
Since this was written things have changed in Canada somewhat. We have a right wing neocon minority government in power, that is quickly and efficiently destroying what we as Canadians have spent so many years building. Environmental legislation and programs have been hacked by big oil interests, and a scarily mafia like mentality has taken over the ruling party. They have gone into backrooms to meet, and there is a hush order on the conservative members of parliament.
Mr Trudeau, I hope you haven't any idea whats happening to your beloved Canada. Ill be disgusted enough for us both.
George and the Tomato tree.
The General and the secretary of the secret organization met at four o'clock. This meeting was to develop the short list for countries to target as future American territories. The president wanted a victory under his belt before the next election. The choices were many and varied, with risk factors all listed; amount of suspected resistance, and the natural resources that would become the spoils of war.
Then the General hit upon one: Canada, North America, was listed as being directly to the north.
He looked at the Maps in the report, and decided to put this one in the Short list. The Secretary of the secret organization agreed on the choice. These reports were sent on to all the other branches of government that would be involved in any decision towards invasion.
It was an easy choice to make in the end. This invasion was inexpensive, and the population was unarmed. There was Oil.
They decided to act without delay, and a new report was commissioned. A deadline was set, and it was faxed immediately to the military research facility. The order fell out of the Fax Machine tray, floated under a desk, and was lost for three days. It was retrieved by a cleaning lady and placed in the INBOX of the Supervisor, who was away for three days on stress leave. There it waited for another week while the supervisor got caught up on the other work. When he looked at it that Friday afternoon, he said to himself. "Oh shit" he promptly gave it to his secretary with an order that this be carried out right away by the research dept.
The research Dept was closing up, only one person was still there. He was browsing on the web. He looked at the paper, and then went back to his browsing. He looked at porn, Shopping, shopping for porn, and then looked at his Horoscope to see if he was going to meet someone soon. When he finally stretched and looked at the clock in the corner of his screen, it was time to go home. Then he looked at the paper in front of him more closely. It was a report about the culture, military, and landscape of Canada.
It was Due in half an hour. This order was from the Pentagon. "oh shit" he said out loud.
He feverishly thought, and decided that he knew enough about Canada to fill out a report.
The report was written quickly, and then faxed to the appropriate office's number. An official copy was sent afterwards, by courier.
Within a week, briefings had been held in all divisions about the culture of Canada, and what to expect when they got there.
A large amount of winter gear was ordered, snowshoes and snowmobiles piled on top of big trucks.
Boats were made ready with landing gear like they used in Normandy. They studied the Terrain charts on the maps that someone had located in a file drawer. They were mouse eaten and dusty, having been placed there in 1915.
But there had been another step made when the report on culture had been commissioned. A team of spin doctors, had been working together. They had been in charge of accessing the media, and priming the pump of the American people, to invade their neighbours to the North, Canada. Innuendo, slanderous remarks and downright lies had been sprinkled liberally through all the media. Papers, TV, Internet, and Radio.
The shift against Canada was slow to start, but took on momentum rather quickly. It was the accusation that Canada was going to decriminalize Marijuana and allow homosexual marriages that turned it to war cries. Some of the American people were outraged. How could this happen? It was downright un-American. It was against GOD!
The senate and congress were called, the UN was informed, and it became official. America and Canada were officially at war. The Americans had done intelligence research, and Canada was a hazard to the American way of life.
Canada was not unaware of all these goings on. We were just so darned shocked, amazed, amused, and horrified that we didn't take it seriously enough. We kept waiting for the punchline.
And so, one day the US launched ships, planes, snowmobiles, kerosene heaters, and skiwear to Canada. The first wave crossed the border and half fell over from heat exhaustion. The parkas they had been assigned were just too heavy for the beautiful summer day.
The boats were not designed to land at docks, so they had to go far up the coastline in the west to finally find a beach to land on. One ship ended up near a place called the sunshine coast. When the men clamoured off the ship the first thing they did was remove their heavy winter gear.
The locals were wearing shorts and sandals.
The Generals and strategic planners had ordered that the first priority was to subdue the local populations, and place curfews and establish a rule that each inhabitant was to carry Identification at all times. The military spread out over the area quickly. They rounded people up for any infraction. One man was arrested because he had no identification and called himself Gabriel Moonstar. Gabriel had moved to the coast in the early 70's and grew "tomatoes"
He lived alone, and had been in hiding from the FBI for some incident at an animal research facility. The story at Berkley was still told of the guy who had released the monkeys into the Deans office.
That night the military had celebrated with "tomatoes, and then had pillaged all the pizza places on the coast, and cleaned the extra foods out of chocolate.
Then they had had a couple beers each. The United States military rested well that night. In fact they rested well into the next day. By that time of course they had been placed gently into their boats, and sent back out to sea.
The invasion went flat, all over the country. Extreme heat, strong beer, "tomatoes" and lack of preparation.
The US public started to realize they could not win. They had been duped; the government had used bad reports and information. The official investigations revealed little to the public, but a LOT to the powers that be.
The original report stated:
Canadians are polite, and malleable. They live in igloos and have very few conveniences. They speak with an odd accent, and use strange and unusual words like "eh", the main exports are maple syrup, beer and entertainers.
Canadians love outdoor sports such as hockey, and spend most of their free time when not hunting and gathering food participating in hockey games.
There are extreme cold temperatures in Canada and be prepared to meet wild animals in the villages.
The local officials are all on horseback and are easily identified because they wear red uniforms.
Canadian money must be carefully checked, as its colour may cause confusion with play money. The denominations are similar, but you need more of it.
The president ordered all the reports pertaining to the CANADIAN INVASION, classified. The people responsible for the faulty reports were promoted to higher positions, and the word Canada was struck from the presidents morning newspapers. When the president reviewed the news each day, he was not reminded of this terrible blunder. In fact, the only news the president saw in all the sheets of black paper were his horoscope, and what Walmart had on sale this week. There was just too much he didn't want to know about, and the whitehouse staff ordered black markers by the caseload.
Tomatoes were banned from the whitehouse dinner menus.