GUS (Gave Up Smoking) is a community support diary for Kossacks in the midst of quitting smoking. Any supportive comments, suggestions or positive distractions are appreciated. If you are quitting or thinking of quitting, please -- join us! You can also click the GUS tag to view all diary posts.
Three months ago, a handful of Daily Kos users started GUS (Gave Up Smoking) as an online support group. In honor of this, today's diaries are dedicated to battling the demons of nicotine addiction, in their varied stages, as described by Positronicus, at The GUS Library. The first installment was posted this morning by bsmechanic - Beating the First Demon.
"Our legend has it, in the lore of quitterdom, that we are visited by three Major Demons......The second, on Week 3, is a mysterious demon with no name, or many names, and appears to each of us differently. Some members of the council believe this demon is called Seemingly Insurmountable Life Problem -- it beckons us to Escape, smothering our emotions and our reason with drugs...."
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I have a certain fondness for the Second Demon, since he has been such a familiar companion to me over the years. I am an addict/alcoholic, and have been clean/sober now for 20 years. It took eleven months of being repeatedly felled by (primarily) the second demon before I finally "got it," gave it up, and got clean. So, with all this experience in quitting drugs, one would figure that nicotine would be a no-brainer, huh? Not a chance. In the last ten years, I have honestly tried to quit cigarettes eight or nine times. Every single time I have been felled by the second demon. Sometimes I have gotten right back on the quit-wagon, but I have never made it an entire month without a cigarette.
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And who is this Second Demon? An amalgam of characters and character traits, who (to me) most closely resembles Wormtongue, from Tolkien's LOTR. He is as an archetypal liar and manipulator. Just after the physical compulsion to smoke eases, the voice of the manipulator appears just under my awareness. "It would be SO much easier if you didn't have to go through this with no help; Just One will make you feel SO much better." "How can anyone be expected to deal with this job loss/family loss/personal grief without the support of a helping chemical? You don't drink anymore; surely you can allow yourself Just One cigarette to help you cope!"
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And like Tolkien's character, everyone recognized Wormtongue for what he was, except for his "master," King Theoden. Wormtongue is a snake, says Gandalf, working many subtle plots against Theoden in an attempt to weaken him. My friends and family recognized the Wormtongue, the Second Demon in my life, and often pled with me for sanity, that I not listen to the voice that would deceive me. And how convincing it was! The breast cancer scare from two years ago? What was originally the impetus to quit smoking, became the reason to give up and continue to smoke, because "I've already screwed my chances with that anyway." Health issues with my son, exacerbated by my smoking? Again, a wonderful reason to quit, but it was not long before I was being urged to cope with those issues with "Just One; he'll never know, if you smoke outside/after he goes to bed/etc." And I listened to that voice. As a liar and manipulator, that voice, the voice of Wormtongue, talked to me frequently, whenever there was a pebble in the path of life, hoping to talk up that pebble as a boulder. Not nagging, not incessant, because he's a consummate liar and manipulator - just the right amount of pressure at just the right time, and then YES!! He Scores! She lit a cigarette! I have my addict back, he thinks to himself, with a smile.
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It took a long time before I was able to really make the connection between this Second Demon and the addict that has always lived in me, and exists for the sole purpose of killing me. The same voice that I had to conquer to get sober and stay sober was back: a different incarnation, a different face, a different message, but the hoped-for result was the same - to drive me back into the pits of active addiction. Nicotine, alcohol or other drugs - substance doesn't matter; they will all kill me, and since nicotine is the one that has been still acceptable (on some level) for me to use (no social proscription from my friends, no 30-day chip to surrender) - then that's the easiest one to manipulate my recovering brain into using.
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Until now. The trigger to quit wasn't as in-my-face as some other triggers. I saw the original diary from Rosebuddear, I sort of followed the diaries the days after, and I definitely read the diaries of 6/13 and 6/14 describing 6/15 as the quit date. And I despaired a little, because that wasn't enough time for me to wind up (or wind down) to a quit. But on 6/15, the GUS diary had a poll, and there was the option "I will join the next group to quit, GUS 2." That vote was my first commitment here, however tentative, to GUS. Saturday, 6/21, I added my name to the buddy list - a visible sign of commitment - with an announced quit date of Monday, 6/22. And on that Monday, I had my only "Just One" of this quit journey, and then I started commenting, I made online buddies, I joined this community, and all of a sudden there was a social proscription against smoking: what would my GUS buddies say if I relapsed? The fact that this is a tremendously loving and non-judgemental community is not the point. I could not imagine having to admit to that. So I came here and ranted instead. I listened to Little GUS, et al, instead of my own personal Second Demon, Wormtongue. And the more I reached out for help here, the less I paid attention to the voice of Wormtongue. And as I approach three months (next week) I am conscious of the fact that I don't often hear the Second Demon's voice anymore - and these weeks have been fraught with child-rearing issues, job issues, health issues - any one of which would have been a suitable reason, in the past, to have "Just One."
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I am truly hoping that Wormtongue has gone to live with Saruman, but I will not be surprised if he returns to try again. I know that there are many Seemingly Insurmountable Life Problems out there - and thanks to the fellowship I have found in this GUS community, I am becoming confident in the knowledge that a cigarette - not even Just One - will make anything better, no matter what the Second Demon would have me believe.
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Today Only! The GUS-a-thon Nicodemon Fiesta: Celebrating 3 Months of GUS! Help us celebrate Three Months of "Smobriety"
East Coast AM: bsmechanic - Beating the First Demon
Mid-afternoon: ChocolateChris (you are here)
East Coast PM: bgblcklab1
West Coast PM: Positronicus
Anyone on the buddy list, or anyone who wishes to join the buddy list, is welcome to write a diary for GUS. Remember, snark diaries are appreciated, as are YouTubes and picture diaries. No diarist scheduled and you need a comment thread to chat in? Host your own GUS: Open Thread! Drop a note in the Butt Can, letting us know what day & what time you'd like to post! Come on, it's fun! You know you want to!
Wed AM: your name here...
Wed PM: Vacationland
Thurs AM: Joan of Arc
Thurs PM: Kentucky Kat
Friday AM: Leo Tolstoy
Friday PM: Ceiling Cat
Current members of the GUS team! Please post a comment if you would like to join, or if your name is here in error: 1BQ, 3rdGenFeminist, Abra Crabcakeya, addisnana, AfroPonix, amk for obama, Anne933, aoeu, Archie2227, ArthurWolf (in memoriam), awkawk, bamablue, barnowl, bgblcklab1, Bike Crash, BirderWitch, blue husky, Blue Intrigue, bluestatedem84, BoiseBlue, breedlovinit, BrowniesAreGood, bsmechanic, burrow owl, Chocolate Chris, ChurchofBruce, coppercelt, dadanation, dangoch, Dexter, Dingodude, donnamarie, DRo, droogie6655321, duckhunter, EdgedInBlue, Everest42, Fineena, Flea, flumptytail, FrugalGranny, Garrett, gooners, greylox, gchaucer2, Geiiga, grndrush, Im a frayed knot, Indexer, indyada, interceptor7, inventor, itsbenj, Jahiz, Jeffersonian Democrat, Jyrix, jvolvo's Mom, jwinIL14, kai99, kailuacaton, kestrel9000, khloemi, Khun David, labwitchy, Lady Kestrel, ladypockt, langerdang, LarsThorwald, Last Starfighter, Laurie Gator, Lipstick Liberal, litoralis, lmdonovan, luvsathoroughbred, maggiemay, magicsister, marknspokane, mdemploi, Mikeguyver, Minerva1157, MinervainNH, mskitty, nannyboz, ncsuLAN, Nick Zouroudis, one pissed off democrat, Ordvefa, PaintyKat, Pennsylvanian, phrogge prince, Positronicus, post rational, psycho liberal, red mittens, revelwoodie, rkex, rosebuddear, SallyCat, seenaymah, Scrapyard Ape, sheddhead, smartcookienyc, spmozart, Tay, theatre goon, triciawyse, trueblueliberal, Turn VABlue, Turtle Bay, uc booker, Unduna, Vacationland, webranding, weelzup, willy mugobeer, Wood Dragon, x