GUS (Gave Up Smoking) is a community support diary for Kossacks in the midst of quitting smoking. Any supportive comments, suggestions or positive distractions are appreciated. If you are quitting or even thinking about quitting, please -- join us!
The GUS Library at dKosopedia is organically evolving, and stocked with free-range information: quit-smoking links, helpful GUS diary writing tips, and the GUS Buddy List.
Now showing at the GUS Library: the Demon Diaries.
Something to Make you Laugh and Dance
(I wrote this diary last night. This morning I've been taking parts out, putting them back in, taking them out again. It's so revealing I keep wanting to cut the real stuff and go to humor and irony. Time is running out on me, I have to publish this. It's going as originally written. I could still change my mind and rewrite, but it seems important to just tell the damn truth.)
Hello, Greetings, and Welcome to my first GUS diary.
I am not a tech savvy Kossak and don't have a clue how to embed a YouTube video, but please follow the link to a video that makes me laugh every time. I need to be physical when the urge to smoke hits hard so I watch, listen and dance along to this one. (I know it's old, but so am I.)
Current members of the GUS team! Please post a comment in the butt can if you would like your name added to the GUS Buddy List:
1BQ, 3rdGenFeminist, Abra Crabcakeya, addisnana, AfroPonix, ambeeeant, amk for obama, American in Kathmandu, andsarahtoo, Anne933, aoeu, arcadesproject, Archie2227, Arthur Wolf (in memoriam), assyrian64, awkawk, bamablue, BARAKABETH, barnowl, bdizz, bgblcklab1, Bike Crash, BirderWitch, bleeding heart, blue husky, Blue Intrigue, bluestatedem84, BoiseBlue, Brahman Colorado, breedlovinit, BrowniesAreGood, bsmechanic, burrow owl, Cen Den, ChocolateChris, ChurchofBruce, Colorado is the Shiznit, coloradomomma, Common Sense Mainer, coppercelt, dadanation, dangoch, demkat620, Dexter, DiegoUK, Dingodude, donnamarie, DRo, droogie6655321, duckhunter, EdgedInBlue, ericlewis0, Everest42, fhamme, Fineena, fishhawk, Flea, flumptytail, FrugalGranny, Garrett, Gator, , gooners, greylox, gchaucer2, Geiiga, grndrush, hideinplainsight, High Tide, hulibow, I love OCD, Im a frayed knot, imisa, Indexer, indyada, Interceptor7, inventor, itsbenj, Jahiz, JamesEB, jbou, Jeffersonian Democrat, janl1776, Joe's Steven aka Steven, john07801, jmadlc55, johngoes, jsfox, Jyrinx, jvolvo's Mom, jwinIL14, kai99, kailuacaton, Kelly of PA, kestrel9000, khloemi, Khun David, Kitsap River, Ksholl, labwitchy, Lady Kestrel, ladypockt, langerdang, LarsThorwald, last starfighter, Laurie Gator, Lipstick Liberal, litoralis, lmdonovan, luvsathoroughbred, maggiemay, magicsister, marknspokane, Matt Esler, mdemploi, michael1104, Mikeguyver, MillieNeon, Minerva1157, MinervainNH, Missys Brother, Morague, mrsgoo, mskitty, nannyboz, ncsuLAN, Nick Zouroudis, notgivingup, operculum, one pissed off democrat, OrangeMike, Ordvefa, OverTheEdge, paige, PaintyKat, paradox, parryander, Pennsylvanian, phrogge prince, Positronicus, post rational, psycho liberal, PvtJarHead, red mittens, relentless, revelwoodie, Rex Manning, RiaD, rickeagle, rkex, roadlion, Roger Fox, Rosebuddear, Rudini, Safina, SallyCat, Sark Svemes, Scrapyard Ape, seenaymah, sfbob, sgary, Shahryar, sheddhead, shmuelman, slowbutsure, smartcookienyc, smeesq, snorwich, sofia, soonergrunt, spmozart, SpotTheCat, SpringtimeforHitler, Statusquomustgo, Tay, theatre goon, Treefrog, triciawyse, trueblueliberal, Turn VABlue, Turtle Bay, uc booker, Unduna, Unforgiven, Vacationland, Vayle, webranding, weelzup, Wes Opinion, willy mugobeer, Wood Dragon, wolfie1818, Wordsinthewind, x, Zotz
So you've had some experience with the effects of smoking, and want to write a GUS diary or host an open thread? Please sign up in the Butt Can (Tip Jar), and name the day and time that works for you (AM, PM, late-night, early-bird...)
*Asterisks* indicate regular GUS diary time slot:
Thu AM: I love OCD and you are here
Thu PM: triciawyse pooties and GUS
Fri AM: *MillieNeon*
Fri PM: open
Sat AM: open
Sat PM: open
Sun AM: open
Sun PM: open
Mon AM: Sark Svemes
Mon PM: open wishes for speedy recovery, ChocolateChris!
Tue AM: open
Tue PM: open
Wed AM: labwitchy (Thordoggy thread)
Wed PM: open
Diarists: to get a customized embed code for GUS blockquotes, email bsmechanic35 at yahoo dot com. Specify which ones you would like (mission statement, buddy list, diary schedule), and they will be sent via inline text.
I'm writing this diary (mostly) on Day 6 of my GUS adventure. It's personal, continue at your own risk.
I started smoking when I was 15 and a rebellious Preacher's Kid. I wanted to stake out something that was mine, and naughty, and that involved friends. Those friends who had parents who smoked stole cigarettes the 3 of us shared after dark, behind the bowling center. It was deliciously wicked for us (this was the olden days) even though we gasped, choked, and occasionally puked.
I started smoking seriously after I moved into my own place at 18. We all smoked - cigarettes, really bad marijuana, some semi-good hash - and we drank cheap wine all weekend every weekend. That's a whole 'nother diary.
I have now smoked for the vast majority of the past 45 years with one 2 year remission, my only success until now. I've tried to quit scores of times and rarely lasted more than 6 hours. My average is 2 hours.
Willpower R Not Us. Willpower R Never working for me, on anything.
I've never told this part of my story. It's strange and painful. 20-some years ago my then-husband decided we were quitting smoking on New Year's day. I was very hesitant but didn't know why. I lasted less than a day - sneaked out and bought cigarettes after a few hours, chain smoked for the rest of the day, sneaked into the house around midnight and loaded one of the larger pistols. Drove to a secluded State Park and sat for an hour debating heart or head. Had a brief moment of sanity and headed to an ER. I told the admitting person that I thought I might be a little crazy right now, I had a gun, and I thought I should get help and not kill myself. Security very sweetly asked me for the gun, moved my car to long-term parking, and called my soon-to-be-ex. Admitting very sweetly escorted me to the very VERY secure ward of the psych unit.
I'm serious about the gentleness and kindness they showed me there. It's probably why I'm still alive, given what else took place then.
There was lots of therapy, including a long stint in a group for people who were sexually abused as children. Apparently I used cigarettes to control the feelings of anger, fear, shame that surround the experience of being victimized sexually, and quitting at that particular time blew the lid off. Since I'd never admitted that anything had happened to me I truly lost it.
On the home front I was served with divorce papers, my keys to our business had been confiscated, and my soon-to-be-ex explained that he didn't believe in therapy, or childhood sexual abuse and blocked memories, and couldn't tolerate being married to someone who was delusional, weak, and dishonest. However I could live in the house until I had a job and a place to live because he still loved me, he just wasn't IN love with me.
I lived in the house for 6 months. I was very fragile, and it was easy to convince me that I had destroyed our marriage, betrayed my ex's trust, nearly caused him to fail in his effort to quit a deadly habit, and was lucky he was so generous and forgiving.
In that 6 months I quit exercising and started eating everything that didn't move, doubled the number of cigarettes I smoked, and basically gave up on myself. I was 75 pounds overweight when I finally found a job and a shared home. I've stayed heavy ever since, and never returned to an exercise regimen, even though it had always been a valued part of my life.
About 2 months ago my daughter decided to quit smoking, and I was happy (but guilty). 2 weeks in she was struggling. Her stepmom called to tell her that she was in the hospital and had been diagnosed with advanced Stage IV lung cancer. The tumors in her brain were causing headaches and dizziness, the first symptoms she'd had that didn't feel aging-related.
My daughter's call to me: "I know you aren't supposed to pressure smokers to quit, but C just called to apologize for bringing this into my life. It was something she could have done something about and her decision to keep smoking is hurting too many people. I can't lose 2 moms. I need you to quit. I know it's hard but it's not as hard as dying. Trust me mom, it's not as hard as dying." I promised to quit.
When I quit on Jan 1, 2010 I didn't know why I'd chosen that date but on Quit Day 2 I had a couple of crying spells, and the memories of being humiliated and punished came back, moved through, and left me. It was time. It was time to know how much I was punishing myself, how much blame and shame I took on. It was time to say goodbye to the person who abandoned me when I needed him most. He probably hasn't given me serious thought in years, and I've carried him in my soul all this time.
This is probably TMI, but it seems I need to tell this story and put it all to rest.
Here's the wrapup:
I've lost 4 pounds since I quit smoking. I've lost a punishing voice in my head. I've felt successful and powerful for the last 6 days, feelings I thought were gone forever.
I dug out an ancient self-hypnosis tape the day I quit. I listen to the subliminal side while on the computer. The company is still in business so I bought the thing again and have it streaming on my computer, burned to a CD, and am waiting for my nieces to teach me how to get it onto my iPod. It really helps me, and if you're interested I will shamelessly shill for it. My favorite part: "I, ILoveOCD, quit smoking on Jan 1, 2010, and that's that." I LOVE that's that - no wiggling out there. I don't smoke anymore, and that's that. I deserve to live a healthy life, and that's that. I live without hidden burdens, and that's that.
I always denied that smoking was a way of punishing myself. It was. I denied that it was a way of repudiating life. It was. I denied that I was repressing feelings. I was. I don't know if this is true for anyone but me. I don't know if this story means anything to anyone but me. I just think there might be someone out there who needs to hear some part of it. If one person extends his or her life because they heard something from me that helped, my experience isn't wasted.
Final Notes: Things that are helping - dancing, walking fast around the house, drinking lots of water and almost no coffee or soda. Also knitting, crocheting and sewing and some really OCD house-cleaning. I'm loving finding out that I'm a fantastic cook ( I can finally taste, really taste food), and I've dug out my favorite cookbooks. My sisters love it - I've taken over their cooking nights, and I do the dishes instead of wishing I could smoke after I eat.
Things that help internally - not allowing "It's too hard" to stay in my head. I make a list of payoffs, which are already occurring, whenever I start to focus on the hard moments. And I have a great support group as well, here and in the realitysphere.