In an unexpected, preemptive move both the Upper and Lower bodies of the legislature have raised the white flag, thrown in the towel, gave up the ghost, retreated into ignominy by conferring the Senate seat, formally held by Ted Kennedy to Brown.
By a vote of 38-2 and 139-21 the Upper and Lower bodies respectively voted to bypass the whole process of actually subjecting voters and bloggers alike the agonizing wait of holding off mass finger-pointing, plotzing, and mishigas.
A senate page, on conditions of anonymity said of the process: "at about 7:30 last evening, Murray and DeLeo activated their double secret phone tree directing the members to meet at a secret location away from the press."
She recounts: "I don't know where they went, what they talked about, or anything like that." "All I know is that at around 2am, a bunch of minibuses, towncars and taxis pulled up to the state house and they all piled out laughing and joking up a storm." She goes on: "A couple of the younger members had their ties wrapped around their head, running around doing some pretend karate moves on each other making those stupid fake "hi-ya" noises and so forth - real juvenile stuff like that." "They then locked the doors to the chamber and told me to piss off."
A google maps search revealed a sushi karaoke bar 10 minutes away from the state house. Repeated attempts to contact the management were rebuffed, and a hastily scribbled "Closed for Renovations" sign affixed to the front door. A man wearing a tee shirt of the establishment was sweeping up glass from the destroyed front facade. He angrily indicated no comprehension of english when asked about the previous night. A peek through the worktarp covering the broken window revealed a nightmarish orgy of destruction inside.
While the backroom wrangling may be shrouded in mystery, the results are crystal clear. At 12 noon today, a joint press release was issued by the Majority Leader and the Speaker's office stating the reason for the emergency proclamation, the vote count, and the proclamation itself (as follows):
"We, the Members of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts General Court on this day, Friday, January 15, 2010, hereby confer the Senate seat formerly held by Ted Kennedy to Julie "Downtown" Brown.
"While this may come to the surprise of the Cloakley and (other) Brown campaigns, we assure both parties and citizens of the Commonwealth, this move, while unusual, is both within our powers and quite legal with precident (see Scholtz, Goudreau, Masdea v. MCA).
"We just want our lives to go back to normal, this is hard work, folks. Why can't they just leave us alone already."
When asked for a reaction, a Cloakley campaign spokesperson issued a terse statement: "Fuck this shit, nothing is worth putting up with this crap."
The Brown campaign could not be reached for comment, campaign headquarters stood unlocked, utterly empty except for a 2010 Red Sox spring training schedule poster duct taped to the front door and "Fort Myers Road Trip 2010" spray painted on every flat surface.
"Downtown" Julie Brown's whereabouts are still unaccounted for.
*UPDATE* not fishing for sympathy here or anything, but needed to blow off steam after having my dad Lifeflighted to a MICU last night. Sorry for any confusion of this dopey piece to any actual news. Every comment here good/bad/indifferent automatically gets a +1