From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Late Night Snark to End a Long-ass Week
"According to The New York Times, Taliban leader Mullah Omar has issued a new code of conduct banning suicide bombings, burning down schools, and cutting off ears, lips and tongues. It is all part of a 'public relations campaign' to 'soften their image.' ... They're appealing to a broader demo. It's like when Kentucky Fried Chicken became KFC. Or Philip Morris became Altria. Or when Mama Angelo's Tomato-Stained Manila Envelopes became Domino's Pizza."
"In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people."
"There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were 'available.' At least this explains his campaign slogan: 'Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America.'"
"Our good friend, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is a contributor to Fox News. Only been there a couple days. Already making friends. Today, she loaned Glenn Beck some mascara that does not run when you cry."
"President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again. What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week."
"Let me see if I've got this straight: the only people who have fully recovered from the financial meltdown are the ones who the financial meltdown. And by recovered I mean apparently re-dipping their balls in gold."
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 22, 2010
Note: C&J will be off on Monday for routine maintenance. When we return on Tuesday, you'll notice that we no longer squeak when we blog.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Mardis Gras: 25
Days `til the Portland Seafood and Wine Festival in Oregon: 14
Percent of husbands and wives, respectively, who had more education than their spouse in 1970: 28%, 20%
Percent of them who do now: 19%, 28%
(Source: Pew Research)
Number of years in the last decade when temperatures were above normal in the northwestern U.S.: 10
Average rise in global surface temperature between 2000 and 2009: 0.96 degrees
(Source: National Climatic Data Center)
Number of pushups Chinese martial arts master Fu Bingli did using only his index finger, breaking a world record (but, amazingly, not his finger): 12
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,873
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
Puppy Pic of the Day: A fine weekend plan
CHEERS to busting up the banks. President Obama---he whom I gave a B for his first year in office---yesterday promised to "work with Congress..." [Rimshot!] "...to ensure that no bank or financial institution that contains a bank will own, invest in or sponsor a hedge fund or a private equity fund, or proprietary trading operations unrelated to serving customers for its own profit." POTUS says he's ready for the fight...and he damn well better be because...
...sources at three banks tell us that they are already finding ways to own, investment in and sponsor hedge funds and private equity funds. Even prop trading seems safe.
As always, the proof will be in the pudding. And the only way America gets the pudding is if Obama eats the banksters for lunch before they eat him first. So open wide, sir, and be prepared to slather on a lot of ketchup. (We hear they taste like a combination of weasel and copper.)
JEERS to John Q. Corporation: Super Citizen!!! Yesterday five activist judges on the Supreme Court delivered their verdict on democracy: "Tear it down. Tear it all down." I will now demonstrate, via a one-act play that I'm this close to opening on Broadway, how government runs now:
[Curtain rises on a Congressman's office. A neatly-dressed corporate lobbyist enters:]
Lobbyist: Good morning, Congressman Lockstep. As a representative of BastardCorp, I'm authorized to give two million dollars to your re-election campaign as long as you promise to cast your vote to abolish the 40-hour workweek, kill Social Security, and let our CEO nibble prawns off your chest on weekends. Deal?
Lockstep: And if I don't?
Lobbyist: If you don't, we'll give two billion dollars to your opponent and you'll be lucky to get hired as a grocery bagger.
Lockstep: Have a seat, friend. Coffee?
Lobbyist: Oh, no! That would constitute a gift and violate House ethics rules. Silly boy---you're so cute when you're clueless.
I'm thinking Nathan Lane and Frank Langella, music by Phillip Glass and blocking by Twyla Tharpe. And if Neil Patrick Harris ends up being the one who hands me my Tony, I'm gonna freak!
CHEERS to fighting back. Okay, it's pretty clear that the above Supreme Court ruling---Roberts v. Rabble---is going to give sweeping powers to corporations to influence elections. (And we were worried about Diebold machines? How quaint.) Once Congress makes their cosmetic changes, we need to take bold action to put ourselves on an equal footing with Exxon Mobil, Northrup Grumman, Goldman Sachs and the rest. This is easier than it seems, folks. All we need to do is have everyone start their own multibillion-dollar corporation, pool our earnings, and funnel them to progressive candidates who will stick up for us and fight the multi-multibillion-dollar corporations. Mine's already set up: Billy's Discount Orgasmporium. I'll make the earth shake and your toes curl for the low, low price of only one billion dollars (a 50% discount off the regular price I normally charge bishops and Republican senators!), and you go home with a complimentary tub of Maine blueberries and a big smile on your face. No sales as of yet, but I think I'm wearin' down the old lady across the street (she has a Buick so I assume she's loaded). Think big---and I'll see you at the next board meeting. We can do it!
P.S. Oh my god! I've coined another word: Orgasmporium! It's the little things in life that make it worthwhile, y'know?
CHEERS to a quiet little verdict that people hardly ever mention anymore. Roe v. Wade turns 37 today. Pro-choice advocates marked the occasion by reminding Americans that women should be in control of their own bodies. Anti-choice advocates marked the occasion by reminding Americans that blastocysts are people too, with full rights including voting and marriage (as long as they're not gay). And the five conservative justices on the Supreme Court marked the occasion by licking their chops.
JEERS to turbulence. Saddled with over $26 billion in debt, Japan Airlines has filed for bankruptcy protection. Among other painful actions, some of their routes will be discontinued. A company spokesperson says everyone should remain calm. Passengers planning to fly those routes will be issued refunds, and those currently in flight will be given a courtesy parachute and a complimentary beverage.
CHEERS to the wisest decision I made all day. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, and sensing the mood of the progressive netroots, I said nothing about f*cking heal**care ref*rm. Well, except this: Get some Balls! I feel strongly about that.
CHEERS to home vegetation. And after this week, vegging is mandatory. Be sure to catch part or all of tonight's Hope for Haiti Telethon, starting momentarily. New DVD releases include Ricky Gervais' decently-reviewed The Invention of Lying (I assume he plays a GOP congressman), and the documentary Outrage, which reveals that Capitol Hill is crawling with closeted gay political operatives. And if you haven't seen The Hurt Locker, it's out on DVD and a must-watch. In NFL action, it’s New York vs. Indianapolis and Minnesota vs. New Orleans. (Winners go to the Super Bowl.)
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Valerie Jarrett; Mr. Excitement, Mitch McConnell; the roundtable picks apart Obama's first year. And David Gregory---Atrios's "Wanker of the Day"---continues to wank.
This Week: David Axelroad will get raked across the coals for being a brutish socialist monster, and Republican Senator Jim DeMint will be kid-gloved as a pragmatic moderate just trying to make sense out of this topsy-turvy world. Meanwhile the blue-ribbon roundtable will have a Republican strategist on board, but no Democratic strategist. And I wonder if Cokie Roberts will take the RNC to task for scheduling a retreat in that "foreign, exotic" no man's land known as Hawaii, instead of Myrtle Beach...the same way I wonder if the Pope will start marrying gay people before he kicks off.
Face the Nation: John Fucking McCain AGAIN???!!! If that doesn’t kill ya outright, you can stick around for Dick Durbin and Anthony Wiener. It will, so I won't.
The McLaughlin Group: Two ultra-conservative barracudas, one country club Republican, one Democrat who mostly agrees with the conservatives, and elderly liberal Eleanor Clift, who nearly falls out of her chair trying to get a word in edgewise. Makes Fox look fair and balanced.
Bill Moyers Journal: Rational, informed discussion about Obama's first year; Scott Bittle and Jean Johnson of Public Agenda discuss the future of energy production.
Fox Pity Party with Chris Wallace: The screen will be tastefully blurred as Brit Hume, Charles Krauthammer, Bill Kristol, Fred Barnes, Liz Cheney, Sean Hannity and Oliver North masturbate to, alternately, photos of Scott Brown and Chief Justice John Roberts.
Hey, don’t shoot me, I'm just the messenger. And happy viewing!
Five years ago in C&J: January 22, 2005
From the Altercation Blog:
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
And just one more...
JEERS to death by lazy ass. A new report says that sitting for a prolonged period of time can literally kill you. I've received emails from people concerned about me and my professional lifestyle. So in response, I'm publishing---for the first time ever---a typical hour for me while I'm working:
00:00 Sit on couch. Open computer. Open MS-Word. Log on to tubes. Scan news headlines.
02:00 Remember reading somewhere that chewing gum helps with concentration. Get up and fetch a fat piece of
DoubleDubble Bubble. Return to computer.
03:00 Wonder if spelling of
DoubleDubble Bubble is correct. Get up and go look at the gum wrapper in the trash. Return to computer, correct spelling.
05:00 Scan headlines again. Get up and go pee, muttering to self that you should've gone pee when you checked the spelling of Dubble Bubble. Take newspaper to bathroom to scan headlines.
06:00 Get mop and clean bathroom floor, having failed to successfully take a stand-up pee while reading paper with both hands.
10:00 Return to computer. Continue scanning headlines for ideas.
12:00 Dog wakes up, runs to window, barking madly. Get up and see what the commotion is. Just a fucking poodle on a walk.
14:00 Return to computer. Check Daily Kos. Get sucked into Obama love/hate diary. Hide-rate anyone who doesn’t agree with me and question species of certain commenters' parentage. Bask in smug satisfaction of having put some obnoxious dillweeds in their place.
20:00 Notice how cute the kitty is as she sleeps. Go pet kitty and tell her how cute she looks when she's sleeping. Ignore dirty look from kitty and keep petting until she takes swipe at hand with claws extended.
26:00 Fetch first-aid cream from medicine cabinet. Clip kitty's claws.
35:00 Sit back down. Refresh headlines. Check to make sure Abe Vigoda is still alive. (He is!)
40:00 "Sirens! I hear sirens!" Jump up and race to window. Collide with dog, who is racing to the same window to bark at "Squirrel!" on roof.
47:00 Regain consciousness. Notice how dirty the living room rug is. Pull vacuum out of closet.
55:00 Return to computer. Check headlines.
56:00 Get up, go to CD rack. Put on Fleetwood Mac's Greatest Hits. Get caught up in subliminal messages in Rhiannon lyrics.
59:59 Take 15 minute break to avoid unhealthy effects of sitting down too much.
Conclusion: if you want to live to be a hundred...be a writer.
Hey, I have a great idea. Let's pretend this week never happened! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?