"No, but Woofie the Younger is dancing," said Professor Plum as he and the resident faculty of Blogistan Polytechnic Institute headed for the wine cellar library to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum ("More wine, more truth").
And yes, Woofie the Younger was doing the Lemme Out dance, turning in tight circles at the mail room door. Either nature was calling, or he was trying to escape the smell of this week's correspondence.
More below the fold....
Not wanting to bet on Woofie the Younger's olfactory analysis of the mail, your lowly mail room clerk chose the more obvious explanation and took him for a brief stroll, where he read and replied to pmail. Had the Professor of Astrology Janitor been less inclined to speculative bets, he wouldn't have found himself pot-committed with the Eight and Nine of Clubs on a Jack-Ten-King flop with two Clubs. Yes, he had both flush and straight draws, but he was drawing to the bottom end of a straight already dead to an Ace-Queen, and Chef obviously had Ace-Something. The pot odds weren't right to call so he raised, hoping to make Chef fold an Ace-King, Ace-Jack, or Ace-Ten.
Your lowly mail room clerk was still out strolling when the last bets were made and Chef turned up her Ace-Queen of Clubs. The Professor of Astrology Janitor had been drawing dead all along. Woofie the Younger heard his signature plaintive mewls and offered a low, sympathetic moan. By the time we were back inside, Chef was in the kitchen making Caramel Apple Coffee Cake. Woofie the Younger has keen hearing and keener scent, but he didn't need it for this week's mail. Anyone could hear these dog whistles, and the stench was overpowering....
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
I don't understand why Jews are liberals. Look, banker is a code word for Jewish. Some say that's offensive and prejudiced, but President Obama is assaulting bankers, money people, and a lot of people on Wall Street are Jewish. So he's attacking Jews. I bet Jews have buyer's remorse and won't vote for him again.
Rush in FL
Dear Rush,
We concede that many find the notion that "banker is a code word for Jewish" offensive and prejudiced. They find it offensive and prejudiced because it is offensive and prejudiced. You're trying to have both sides of the same coin: telling listeners who are upset at bankers to be upset at Jewish Americans, while simultaneously blowing the Obama Is Hitler dog whistle. As for why so many Jewish Americans are liberal, perhaps they understand bigotry and want no part of what you're selling.
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
That's just ridiculous. Look, I believe in racial and ethnic profiling. Take terrorism, for example. Sure, there's the guy who blew up the Murrah Building in my state, but everyone knows the majority of terrorists are Muslims between the ages of 20 and 35. If you're looking for terrorists, look at Muslims between the ages of 20 and 35. That's not prejudice. It's common sense. Why don't liberals get it?
James in OK
Dear James,
We suggest that liberals don't "get it" because our definition of "terrorism" isn't limited to "attacks by Muslims, plus Timothy McVeigh." We suggest a sensible definition of terrorism in the United States must include people who bomb abortion clinics and murder doctors, people who commit murder in the Holocaust Museum, open fire on cops in Pittsburgh, or kill 13 people at an immigration center in Binghamton. Most of those terrorists weren't "Muslims between the ages of 20 and 35." In fact, most of them were white.
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
Okay, but look at the free and reduced price school lunch programs. It's like my highly educated grandmother said: Don't feed stray animals, because they breed. You're just facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially the ones that don't think much farther than that. And government should curtail that kind of behavior. That's not racism. It's my grandmother's wisdom.
Andre in SC
Dear Andre,
If your grandmother was truly highly educated, we suspect she would wash your mouth out with soap had she heard you spew such appalling thoughts. Are you seriously suggesting government should let 58% of the children in your state starve and die, so "they" won't "breed?" We hope their parents hear your comments and squash your gubernatorial campaign. Your contempt for those in need is a disgrace to your office and to your grandmother's memory. You should be ashamed.
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
Uggh ... okay. I'm writing very quietly because you seem upset, and I don't blame you. I guess I shouldn't ask for that Caramel Apple Coffee Cake recipe?
Cautiously Curious in Blogistan
Dear Cautiously Curious,
Of course you can ask for the recipe, and we apologize if today's letters spoiled any appetites. Chef says it's almost done and its warm, inviting aroma is slowly pushing away the stench from the letters.
For the cake, beat 3 eggs in a large mixing bowl until frothy, then gradually add 2 cups of sugar, and finally blend in 1½ cups of apple sauce and 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract. In a separate bowl, combine 3 cups of all-purpose flour, 1 teaspoon of salt, and 1 teaspoon of baking powder, then blend that into the egg mixture. Stir in 4 cups of peeled and chopped apples, and 1 cup of coarsely chopped pecans if desired. Pour into a greased 10" bundt pan, and bake at 350°F for 1 hour 15 minutes or until the cake tests done with a toothpick. Cool in the pan on a wire rack for 10 minutes, then place a serving plate atop the pan and flip upside down to present the cake on the plate.
For the caramel topping, combine ½ cup melted butter, ¼ milk, 1 packed cup of brown sugar, and a pinch of salt in a small saucepan and bring to a boil for 3 minutes, stirring constantly. Slowly pour the topping over the warm cake. Chef suggests serving with coffee and cream, as together they present the full range of beautiful colors we humans can be. Bon appétit!
+++++
Happy Sunday!
+++++
Sources:
Rush in FL
James in OK
Andre in SC