Unlike the internet, reality often isn't conducive to speaking your mind: Speaking in person means you aren't just interacting with another's abstract psyche, but also their raw physicality, their sexual nature, and power calculations. As a result, there are times when a polite response is required that, while saying effectively nothing, is sufficient acknowledgment to avoid the appearance of ignoring someone. For me, that response is "Ah." Whenever I have nothing to say, or else am thinking something I simply cannot say but don't wish to lie, I say Ah. Examples follow, along with their meaning in context.
- "I am a Republican."
Ah. (This isn't a confessional.)
- "I am pro-business."
Ah. (I like drugs and prostitution too.)
- "Blah blah blah family values."
Ah. (Your daughter's pregnant, and there's a 1-in-6 chance it's mine.)
- "I served my country."
Ah. (Are you sure?)
- "I voted McCain."
Ah. (You knew the guy's name. I guess that's something.)
- "I don't buy global warming - I think it's a hoax."
Ah. (Unlike talk radio, the bastion of science journalism.)
- "I don't believe we come from monkeys."
Ah. (In your case, it's not much of a stretch.)
- Spoken by a hot woman: "I have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior."
Ah. (I would too, but this darned erection keeps getting in my way. Can you lend a helping hand to a soul in need?)
- Spoken by a hot woman: "The Bible says they who defy God's law shall be punished."
Ah. (It is your Christian duty to tie me up and sternly correct my heathenous ways.)
- The government would just waste my money.
Ah. (Your priorities are much wiser - truck hydraulics and televangelists.)
- "What I really want to do is direct."
Ah. (So you're not happy waiting tables?)
- "Blah blah blah patriarchy."
Ah. (You want to be on top, right?)
- "Our schools are failing."
Ah. (You mean your stupid kids are failing.)
- "America was founded by brutal, genocidal colonizers.
Ah. (Unlike the peaceful Qztcalamanalaquanapoctecama people of Southern Costa Beliguatamanagua who were genocidal colonizers 3,000 years ago and then settled down to a nice, quiet life of human sacrifice.)
- "The Lord will provide"
Ah. (God supports welfare?)
- "Taxes are too high."
Ah. (You'd have to actually pay them for that to be true.)
- "America is a Christian country."
Ah. (Full of Christian meth labs.)
- "From my cold, dead hand."
Ah. (From your cold, dead, hairy palm.)
- "America is the greatest country on Earth."
Ah. (Of course, because we have...YOU.)
- "America sucks."
Ah. (It should be more like the vague impression of Europe you got on that one Spring Break from art school.)