As the resident faculty of Blogistan Polytechnic Institute headed down to the wine cellar library to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum ("More wine, more truth"), Professor Plum dipped into the mail room to drop an image on the desk. "Professor of Mediamaternity theKgirls designed our new logo," he announced with a smile. "The resident faculty think it beheads hangs, draws, and quarters our old one."
Your lowly mail room clerk smiled outwardly while frowning inwardly. Professor Plum really must stop reading our mail.
More below the fold....
Admittedly, the BPI mail room can be a tough place. Just this morning the Professor of Astrology Janitor put a buffing on Chef when he revealed his Nine-high straight to rub out her three Jacks. Having won that $1.75 pot, he had what poker players call "chirping chips," and chirp he did ... until the next hand when she sliced, diced, and chiffonaded his Kings and Jacks with her Aces over Tens. His chirping chips and some others besides went over to her stack, and out boiled his customary plaintive mewling that sent her scurrying to the kitchen to prepare a Breakfast Salad. This left your lowly mail room clerk to superlatively verb our way through this week's exaggerated nouns....
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
I'm writing to apologize for disemboweling, eviscerating, and destroying political blogs earlier this week. While my show is comedy, I try to offer comedy based in truth as I see it, and truth sometimes excises people's heads and performs private bodily functions not suitable for a family readership on their remains. I realize that can be painful, not to mention unappetizing, and I felt I should express my deep regret for having done something like that icky scene in the second Indiana Jones movie, the one I won't describe because it's too violent for early in the morning. Can you forgive me?
Jon in NY
Dear Jon,
We cannot forgive you, because there is nothing to forgive. In fact, we applaud your clever deconstruction of the excessively violent language commonly used in political blogs. We too are dismayed by the casual use of such images, and we include in that the oft-repeated calls to "hold their feet to the fire." We've not seen any political debate that truly analogous to a combat scene from the movie Gladiator, however regularly such images are evoked by online writers' descriptions. Thank you for calling attention to this all too common practice.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
It sounds like you're in a good mood, so you'll doubtless agree with my not-at-all-violent statement that President Obama was elected because we no longer require civics and literacy tests before people can vote. I know you're big on education. Don't you think we should return to poll testing, to ensure we never again elect a committed socialist ideologue?
Tom in CO
Dear Tom,
You correctly discerned that we were in a good mood. Sadly, that is now past tense. Not sadly, so are poll tests, which were once commonly used to prevent "undesirables" - code for "not white males" - from voting. Had only that demographic been allowed to vote in 2008, then yes, exit polls suggest President Obama would have lost. That does not suggest we need to return to poll testing. It suggests that many in that demographic are out of step with the majority of Americans.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Maybe, but President Obama is still a committed socialist ideologue. He wants to make more Americans dependent on government handouts, and with our national debt we just can't afford that. That's why I've proposed a Republican budget for fiscal year 2011 that privatizes Social Security and reduces Medicare spending. We Republicans know it's time to return to the rugged individualism that made this nation great.
Jeb in TX
Dear Jeb,
We hardly where to begin with this chopped blend of talking points, so we'll take them in sequence.
Were President Obama the committed socialist ideologue you claim, we suggest he would have insisted on single-payer or even nationalized health care, and leapt at the chance to nationalize the banks in the wake of the 2008 meltdown. He did neither.
As for your "Republican" budget, we note that your Republican colleagues quickly disavowed it, saying it is only your individual proposal. They recognize that it is political puffery with no chance of passage and would harm the GOP if it did.
Finally, as to rugged individualism and ending government handouts, get back to us after you offer a budget that reduces the defense budget, the only federal jobs program conservatives like. We Democrats suggest the government should fund jobs programs that don't build things to kill, maim, and destroy people. You may call that socialism if you like, but we think of it as making a better world for our children.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Wow, that was quite a range of topics without the common theme I'm used to, except I guess the bitter topic of violence. Is that why this week's recipe is a salad? And how do I make that salad?
Tossing a Question in Blogistan
Dear Tossing a Question,
We concede that we were unable to find a common theme in this week's correspondence, so yes, that's why we're offering a salad recipe. That and Chef noted that we should offer a more healthful breakfast once in awhile, lest we be accused of cramming cholesterol into our readers' arteries. So yes, this week's only through-line was the bitter topic of violence, echoed in the recipe's Balsamic vinaigrette dressing.
The recipe is simple: drizzle 1½ tablespoons of Balsamic vinaigrette dressing over 2 cups of rinsed spinach leaves and ½ cup of cherry tomatoes, toss lightly, then top with 1 chopped hard-boiled egg, 2 slices of Canadian bacon cooked and cut into ribbons, 2 tablespoons of chopped fresh parsley, and a toasted whole-wheat pita cut into quarters. Bon appétit!
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Happy Sunday!
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Sources:
Jon in NY
Tom in CO
Jeb in TX; disavowed by House Republicans.