Dear Tea Partiers,
For a long, long time now, I've been hearing American Patriots going on and on about how they've lost their country. And by "long, long time" I mean "since Barack Obama was elected President." And by "going on and on" I mean, "freaking out about Barack Obama being elected President." But this is neither here nor there.
What's important is that you are unhappy. You've lost faith in American democracy, as one of your own, Tom Tancredo, has made perfectly clear. You talk sedition and secession as if it's a ballgame. You feel you have lost your country and you want it back.
And we all know that's not going to happen any time soon, as face it, there's maybe 50,000 of you in the whole country, and your leaders are about tosell you out to the Republicansanyway.
But all is not lost, my dear Tea Partiers. There is a future for you. A future of freedom and self-determination. A place you can make a new start. A place where your dreams can come true.
I speak, of course, of Latvia.
You see, as we speak, there's a town in Latvia that's just sitting there. And it can be yours. All yours. The town is calledSkrunda-1. It is a former top-secret military base that is now a ghost town. And yesterday, I bought it. And I bought it for you.
Here's what the town includes:
- 5 million square feet of land
- 10 apartment buildings
- Two nightclubs
- A shopping center
- A child care center
- A sauna
- A wide variety of abandoned military buildings.
Want me to sweeten the pot even further? Here's what Latvians look like:
As you can see, this is a town with the complexion to make all your dreams come true.
Now, yes, I know there have been reports that the town was actually sold to a Russian. But that's just a cover. The Russian is my real-estate guy. I bought it. And I want you to live there, rent free.
So, my Tea Partying friends, run, don't walk to the nearest International Airport, buy a one-way ticket to Latvia, and you will have the freedom and acceptance that you've always dreamed of. There you can grab that freedom with your ink-stained hands and live in the type of society you've always wanted. And trust me, the Latvian government won't bother you a bit. You've already got a hell of a lot more guns than they do, after all.
It's time for you to stop talking about founding fathers and start being founding fathers. Yes, my friends, you finally have your country back. And it's in Latvia. Now get going. And don't forget your guns.
Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles