I would first like to congratulate you for the lightning speed with which you are moving up the ladder there at Fox.
I bet when you were a lowly intern slapping "(D)" chyrons next to images of scandalized Republican pedo-pols and measuring out the precise dosage of Splenda for Steve Doocy's morning latte that you never imagined you could make it this far.
Now that you have a fancy title and are making nearly 60% of what constitutes a living wage in New York City by trolling around on liberal blogs for "stories," it can't be long before those peons from the mailroom are addressing you as "sir," instead of "douchebag."
You can probably already smell Roger Ailes' eucalyptus-scented fistula medicine from your lofty perch. Don't look now, Rog, but someone's gaining on ya!
Just a few words of advice you may wish to heed as you sculpt your bedazzling future at the Fair-n-Balanced network:
- If Bill O'Reilly offers you some falafel, politely refuse. He doesn't really mean falafel. Trust me.
- If you're lucky enough to be on set when Glenn Beck weeps, try to quickly scoop up some of his tears. They have palliative properties bordering on the miraculous. I have a vial full myself, which I use to make my garden yield massive squash.
- If you are going to harvest Daily Kos for evidence that liberals are batshit, you can do much better than the diary you cherry-picked this morning. HINT: run a search for "Errin F."
I hope this finds you well, and look forward to our next little chat.