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Stop rubbing your eyes. You're not wrong. That bling on my left front hoof is, indeed, an engagement ring. And I, for one, plan to milk this relationship for all it's worth.

Yes, it was a whirlwind romance. A listing on eHerdmony, a few questions about my personality (slammin'!) and my values (rock-solid conservative, natch!). A stampede of lesser cowboys. And, then, Jeff Lieber finally swaggered onto my prairie.

I could tell by his self-assured shuffle, his custom-tooled boots, his dashing good looks and his talent with a lasso that this was no ordinary cattle rustler. Nosirreee, bob! A couple of line dances around the holding pen later, and I knew I had truly found the rancher of my dreams.

Jump with me below to find out what separated him from the rest of the herd and moooved me to take the big leap!


You herd me right.


Jeff Lieber had a healthcare plan that he could extend to his dependents. And let me tell you, my friends, when you don't have a healthcare plan, you're willing to do just about anything it takes to get one.

I mean, sure, Jeff's cute and all, but I've had plenty of beefy men in my day. And if you've spent much time around here, you know there's lots of days when he's just talk, talk, talk.

Bottom line: When you're in my line of work, weighing it all pound for pound, a girl needs more than just sweet nothings and prairie flowers. It's dangerous out here, being chased across the wide-open land with nothing more than a whip and some flimsy promises -- and there are only so many California Cow slots that open up in a year.

After years of skulking around in the corner of the pen, letting Band-Aids and OTC drugs take the place of preventive care and antibiotics, I figure it's MY time to ride the healthcare system like a cheap rented mule.

So, when Jeff Lieber got down on one knee and popped the question, you can imagine my response: "You're insured?! Cadillac plan? Put a ring on it, baby!"

Love, schmove. Give me a hottie with healthcare any day! I mean, a bison's gotta have her standards!

UPDATE: There have been enough aspersions cast on my character in the threads below that I want to spell out for the record that I am an abstinence-only bison. Jeff's 'tatues never even made it into conversation. This bison is a cut above the rest. You think I'm gonna give this milk away for free?!

Originally posted to Melody Townsel on Sun Feb 28, 2010 at 11:15 AM PST.

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