From the GREAT STATE OF NEW HAMPSHIRE...
Good morning, squeeing people of the kiddie pool! My name is Sarah, and I will be your guest lifeguard for today. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m the present organizer of Chronic Tonic, the Thursday night diary series/support group for people living with chronic illnesses and conditions, and jgilhousen and I will be co-hosting the Wednesday night incarnation of KosAbled, the new diary series for people living with disabilities. Many of you may also know me from Twitter. I’m not in Cheers and Jeers very often, because it’s way early and befoar kofee I doant think to gud. However, when my good friend and business partner Spedwybabs asked me to take a turn on Bill’s vacation, I said no was totally thrilled to be able to spend time here. With you. Early in the morning. Before coffee.
Squee.
Anyway, I hope you all enjoy yourselves. Please remember to tell Spedwybabs what a good job I did so she doesn’t hit me so I am invited back to splash around next time.
Without further ado: Cheers and Jeers starts in There’s Moreville… [swoosh] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, March 2, 2010
By The Numbers
Number of sponsors that have dropped Glenn Beck’s show: 119
Number of days Glenn Beck’s show has aired commercial-free in the UK: 15
Number of drinks I really had in a 4 hour period at PA Progressive Summit, no matter what Spedwybabs tells you: 5
Number of microseconds by which days are shorter following the Chilean earthquake: 1.26
Distance between me and Key West, in miles: 1709 (via Mapquest)
Chances it’s 5 o’clock somewhere: 100%
Today's Rapture Index: As of today, we are looking at a Rapture Index of 171, which is up 2 from Bill’s midweek report last week. We can only hope this has to do with the quality of Bill and Michael’s vacation. Should the pilot announce an unexpected Rapture, please fasten your seat belts and return your tray tables to the upright position.
JEERS to earthquakes shortening the day. According to this article in Businessweek, the Chilean earthquake “probably shifted the earth’s axis and shortened the day,” according to NASA. Apparently, the way in which the Earth’s mass shifted during the event caused the axis about which the planet is balanced to move about 3 inches. Given that the article also notes that the 2004 quake that generated the massive Indian Ocean tsunami shortened the day by 6.8 microseconds, I’m concerned that future earthquakes may make it difficult for me to keep up my busy nap schedule. I’ve conducted some research and discovered that the effect can be counteracted if Rush Limbaugh goes outside and jumps up and down repeatedly in key portions of the American Midwest. Thanks in advance for your help, Rush, and we’ll have Bruce Willis start eating fried Twinkies forthwith so that he can someday play you in the movie.
JEERS to bullies. Gordon Brown came under fire yet again yesterday for allegedly pushing an aide at 10 Downing Street. The aide in question has since kinda-sorta-vaguely-retracted the allegation, which he made on tape, but the sting remains. In the days since tales of Brown’s staffers calling a bullying helpline for assistance in dealing with their now-beleaguered boss have come out, the charity has been criticized and shut down its hotline, undoubtedly a loss to plenty of Brits who need help dealing with lower-level but nonetheless potentially dangerous bullying problems. Morally, the United States may be obligated to share our Secret Weapon—Rahm Emanuel. Mr. Brown, if you’re going to be a bully, you must be ferocious enough that your staff won’t discuss it for fear that you will tear out their still-beating hearts.
CHEERS to Keith Olbermann, to his sick father, and to his ongoing fight for health care reform. His recent Special Comment moved me to tears, leading me to post my own diatribe on my Twitter page, beginning here, about my grandmother’s passing last year and my own experiences as one of those terrible, awful, no-good very bad people who are spending all those health-care dollars willy-nilly, squandering insurance company profits in my pathetically self-serving attempts not to “die quickly.” You know what the amazing thing is about being in this supposedly tiny percentage of people who need a wacky amount of health care? Everywhere I go, everyone I meet, everywhere I post, says to me: My mom has lupus, too. Or My sister has some autoimmune thing, or my brother has persistent Lyme, or I don’t know what I’m going to do about all those abnormal pap smears since I lost my health insurance. Unless I’m contagious in some odd way, there are a lot more sick people than the Republicans think. We just don’t talk about it. Memo to the sick people: if there was ever a time to stand up and say that you need and deserve high-quality medical care that you can afford, because you are guaranteed life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness just like everyone else, now is that time. End lecture. It appears that Keith’s father is holding his own as of right now; I wish all the best to father, son and family.
Whispered JEERS to the new boss, who isn’t that much kinder and gentler than the old boss, as it turns out. Russian President Dmitri Medvedev has called for resignations among those responsible for training Russian athletes for the Vancouver Olympic games. Russia finished sixth in the overall medal count, with less than half the medals won by the United States. Calling for those “responsible” to find the “courage” to submit resignations, he added that his government would be willing to assist them in finding said courage if it proved in any way elusive. Sting pointed out some years ago that the Russians love their children too, but he failed to mention that their Little League games could get kinda scary. Really—they call them the Olympic games for a reason. Also: we kicked your…