Rep. Patrick McHenry (R - North Carolina) has made some news this week by reviving a familiar Republican dream: Putting Ronald Reagan's face on U.S. currency. In the past, some conservatives have suggested using Reagan's visage in place of Roosevelt's (on the dime), Hamilton's (on the ten dollar bill), or Jackson's (on the twenty). McHenry wants to evict Ulysses S. Grant from the fifty and put Reagan there. It is somewhat appropriate to have Reagan's face on our money. When we wonder why the American dollar is now worthless, we can take out a fifty (if we have one) and get our answer. Reagan will not appear on money anytime soon. But because Republicans so badly want to put his face on something, I have some suggestions.
Home foreclosure signs
These ubiquitous markers are the signs of our times. Adding the iconic Reagan grin not only dresses them up -- it neatly traces our present economic crisis to the unregulated free-market trickle-down revolution of the Reagan Eighties. I'm sure conservatives would be thrilled with this approach, as there'd be pictures of Ronald Reagan on every street in America! On the down side, some might draw the conclusion that Reagan is still alive and is now a realtor.
Fast food fries
Ever since the Great Communicator destroyed the American middle class, "eating out" has increasingly meant pulling up to the nearest trough of grease and slurping down some of the most noxious material that ever passed for food. This, along with the devastating corporate deregulation of the Reagan administration, makes Reagan Fries an obvious choice. They taste great with a vegetable -- like ketchup, for instance.
Stairs
I know that most of my fellow New Yorkers would enjoy their morning commutes a little bit more if they could stomp Ronald Reagan's face on their way into the subway. Reagan stairs would be closely scrutinized by newly-homeless victims of conservative economic principles, as they scan hopefully for Lincoln pennies and Roosevelt dimes.
Warning labels
In the years since Ronald Reagan's presidency, the Republican Party has put some powerfully stupid people on national tickets. Dan Quayle was extremely dim, George W. Bush even dimmer. And Sarah Palin makes George W. Bush look like George Bernard Shaw. But in our haste to identify those three as America's biggest morons, we often forget that Ronald Reagan was not very bright either. Sure, he was smarter than Bush and Palin -- but was he smarter than, say, a dog? Clearly not. Therefore, we might start using Reagan's image as a sort of warning label for idiotic content.
But in all likelihood, none of these brilliant ideas will ever become a reality. Nor will they pacify Republicans, whose lust for the Gipper remains boundless. They'll continue demanding that his likeness be put on money and Mount Rushmore. Among rational people, however, the only place Reagan's face really belongs is where it was first seen -- in some of the worst garbage ever foisted upon the public by Hollywood studios.