And again I say: BWAAAAAAhahahahaha!!
The kOscars shall be MINE!
The FOOLS! They know not yet what awaits them this very Sunday! BWAAAA! Ha!
Yes, yes -- for weeks, nay months, nay years now, I have started new accounts on DailyKos, using silly and implausible names like Death and Armandos Cat and Tip Jar and GidgetBananabutt and DemocraticLuntz and ModerateSquish and Palin Baby Question and Trix, so that I could eventually stage my brutal takeover of the website and, with it, THE BLOGOSPHERE ITSELF!
And now -- now -- my plan is about to come to fruition!
All I needed was for someone to create a web site to vote for the Best of Daily Kos. And then, this year, it happened! A website was created to tally votes for the best of 2009. Votes, in fact, in four distinct categories! There are various categories for Diarists and Writers and others for Diary Series and Commenters. Some people, of course, would vote, but many others would somehow let the deadline (of 9 p.m. Pacific Time on Thursday March 4) slip by without remembering to cast their ballots. And that gave me my chance!
My genius, if I do say so myself, was in my extreme and inappropriate modesty. I ensured (through excruciating means that I shall not detail in writing until the next Republican Administration is installed to offer me the protection I deserve) that I would be nominated in two, but only two, categories. More than that would have aroused suspicion. Indeed, any nomination at all for a diary series like Lost Friday Night Discussion or Toussie Tuesdays would have aroused suspicion. But I did not get greedy! Just give me those two big categories -- Best Diarist and Best Political Commenter -- and I would rule the online world! BWAAAAAAAAAHEHHEHHEHHEHHEHHEHHEH! HEH!
But what to do about the competition? Was it enough to hope for a 26-way tie among the plausibly deserving nominees, so that my efforts might win me the vote with 3.7038%? No -- too simple for a mastermind like me! That's amateur hour! Instead, I began by neutralizing the opposition. Using mind control techniques, I secretly convinced the Best Diary competitor I most feared, Patriot Daily News Clearing House (or as I knew her in her youth, "Pat House"), to help run the competition itself, realizing that such an overweening act of service to the community would surely neutralize all of the other great work she has done. I forced A Siegel to change his name to Patric Juillet, and when that didn't work I made him change it back and made Asinus Asinum Fricat do it instead. I made Turkana stay away from the site long enough so that he would never be able to regain his prominence! I made wmtriallawyer admit that his name is not William! I made droogie6655321 change the number at the end of his name so that he would be unrecognizable! I introduced Unitary Moonbat to another moonbat! I even ended the Minnesota recount to staunch the budding career of the dratted WineRev! I ask you, are these the acts of a madman -- even a madman with a trust fund?
It will all be worth it on Oscar Sunday when the kOscars are announced!
Rigging the Political Commenters race was more difficult. I briefly considered disabling Dallasdoc's campaign by spreading a rumor that he was gay, but decided instead to spread the rumor that he was a doctor. Finally I just hacked the vote counting system. I mean, seriously, how else is someone going to beat Dallasdoc? He'd pretty much have to come out for a Jindal candidacy -- and even then. Anyway, props to Diebold! You guys rule -- and I mean that literally! Haha! I mean, Bwaaaahaha!
Then, while I put my game pieces in order, I waited, publicly avoiding mention of the kOscars after a few days. I have studied, you realize, the revered philosophy of the Tea Party, which reduces to "the stupidest crap in the world can win a vote if enough people are lulled into not voting." Words to succeed by! Ask Shoulda Been President LaRouche!
Now, while my minions spread out and cast votes for me, ensuring the ultimate demoralization of Daily Kos and possibly the Planet Earth Itself, I wait patiently, like the cartoon cat in front of the mousehole, knowing that victory is inevitable. All that could stop me now is a gigantic outpouring of people voting for truly deserving candidates, and that is not going to happen in the virtual world of the blogosphere any more than it will in the virtual world of reality! So long as for one more day I can lull people into forgetting to vote, I will be able to spring this statement, which I have conveniently pre-written and stored in my DKos account at a time when it's accidental premature disclosure could still foil my plans, and then I will send it out when the results are in! After all, unlike a cheesy movie villain, I'm not going to accidentally hit "Publish"!
Hey, why aren't my words showing up on the screen? I guess I will just have to switch into Preview mode and MAYBE HIT THE KEYS A LITTLE HARDE