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So the evil war on drugs finally catches up with me in the form of needing to have a job in an economy that is still face down in the toilet.

I am talking, of course, about random drug testing.

I was recently hit with a test which I actually failed. A first for me.

That's because it was random.

And really, what a stupid thing.

The employer had WAIVED pre-employment testing for me. I was thrilled. I knew there was random testing but most usually employers have had this as a looming threat to be used when a person has done something wrong, had an on-the-job accident or whatnot.

But, inexplicably, I was allowed to be hired, get a couple checks, start in on therapeutic relationships with clients (I am a licensed psychotherapist, master's level, going on 30 years of experience, etc...) THEN I was slapped with the test.

If I failed, I supposed I would be let go, when the ink on my first paycheck as not even dry. What, really, is the point in this? What, exactly, is to be gained from this nonsense?

I had smoked the night before. My heart sunk for I knew I was doomed. My life flashed in front of my eyes. I could see losing my job, that I had just got. I could see the wife being horribly stressed out. Who knows what other crap would rain down on me?

Thank God the people at my job aren't sophisticated with this: I was told to submit my bodily fluid prior to going home for the day, giving me a lot of time to  flush my system and attempt to give them warm water.

The test didn't come back until I was on jury duty. The main person in charge of this was one who was thrilled I was there to begin with. I have far more experience than most people on the team and am very useful and helpful in the effort. (It's a community-based mental health program working with persons suffering from chronic mental illnesses). This person saw the POSITIVE result for Evil cannabis, and when I returned to work after jury duty, I was given the bad news.

Except that this person snatched the result out of my file and hid it! "You need to give me a clean sample as soon as possible".

"Give me a week", I said.

Because Evil marijuana is not addictive, I can simply stop for as long as needed. (Try to do that with tobacco - hah!). I suffer indignation because my freedoms are trampled by stupid people with stupid ideas, but that's America for you. It does help save on Evil marijuana. The stuff I bought a few weeks ago is going untouched and will be there someday when I think I can safely blaze up and relax for a few.

Here is the best info I know of for folks serious about passing their pee test. I didn't do all of the things recommended in that post because I was able to put 8 days between the last toke and today's test.I have stopped for the past 8 days - I beat one in 6 days once.

Today I drank a lot of fluids before I got to work and while I was there, since they can't put 2 and 2 together. Coffee and water at home followed by a large quantity of powerade, which is full of B-vitamins and electrolytes which keep the pee a nice yellow color and the electrolytes contribute some to maintaining specific gravity. I recently ate a good helping of red meat which increases the creatnine level (Labs look for this to make sure pot smokers aren't doing what I am talking about. It is very important that pot smokers be ruined financially and socially.)

Long and short, I gave them 30 cc o warm water with a very faint yellow color and that's all they got. So it's again a waiting game.

Technically I could go ahead and blaze up tonight, but I won't.

The thrill is gone
I cannot enjoy pot smoking right now because I worry about the next random test. It's that simple.

All that crap you see on sites like and in crappy head shops promising to clean you out is useless crap just preying on the anxious. It doesn't work. (If you think it does, by all means, please e-mail me and I'll look into it) It's just another capitalist ripoff.

I have an excellent glass waterpipe: no good to me now. I have herb left over: can't smoke it. The thrill is gone.

Even in the past couple months, as I have searched for a better job, I have really smoked very little. I can't enjoy getting high because I just end up worried about drug testing the next day.

And that is the goal of pee testing.

Mission accomplished.

Well, almost.

Driven to Drink
I totally despise alcohol. I hate being drunk and I won't use real drugs.

Cocaine, for example, is out of your system in 72 hours or so. I could do cocaine. But I despise cocaine. I don't use drugs. (I know... you want to whine on about Evil marijuana being a 'drug'. OK. Tobacco is a drug and alcohol is a drug and America is full of drug users.)

I have amended my ways though and have learned to sip top-quality bourbon. I have been sipping Baker's 107 and just picked up a bottle of Booker's - 128 proof. A little dab'll do ya.

bakers & bud
Baker's and Bud

I sip a couple small shots in the evening after work and dinner.

Booker's is really potent stuff. My first shot burnt all the way down and made me cough and gag like the newbie I am. Now I pour a small amount over a small ice cube for a moment THEN sip it. It's pretty awesome as alcohol goes.

But, honestly, alcohol - even this high-end stuff - is just completely inferior to Evil marijuana. It's not in any way comparable.

Drunk is a nasty, nasty feeling to me and even with this alcohol, I sip only a tiny bit, just enough to feel it and that's good for me. Any more and I smell bad. eew.

I like Evil marijuana because the buzz never comes close to impairing my judgment or motor skills, 2 things for which alcohol is notorious. Alcohol, in more than just tiny amounts makes me feel....icky.

But it's legal and I could drink myself blind in the night and nobody (except my wife) would ever say a thing about it, and that, simply, is absurd. Legal means good, right?

So....I am continuing to hunt for another job.

I'll keep this one until I find another one that either pays better or pays about the same and isn't so focused on making sure my pee is free of evil.

This is something I'd call another stupid thing about random pee testing: Now that I am cleaned out I can be far more aggressive with a job search because I am already clean.

I can pee for anybody anywhere for any reason, like a good American citizen and that facilitates leaving the current employer.

I wonder if that's what they intended.....

And speaking of being driven to drink....please check out SAFER and their book Marijuana is SAFER: So why are we driving people to drink?.

It's a damned good question.

Originally posted to Toking Points Memo on Tue Mar 09, 2010 at 07:17 PM PST.

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