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ME: Good to have you on the program today, Termite.

ME: Good to be here.  I'm grateful for the chance to set the record straight.

ME: What is it you want the American people to know?

ME: Well, as you know, there was groping.

ME: Groping.

ME: I groped.  It was a long time ago, in college.  I don't really remember much about it, but there was a freshman dressed like Little Bo Peep, and then a third person who kept spanking me with a four iron and hollering, "Roll out the pork bao cart, it's dim sum time!"

ME: I think a lot of people have crazy stories from their college years.  I guess I was looking for something, you know, more recent.

ME: Fair enough.  I did go to a recent concert where there was...okay, let's just say it was hard not to smell mischief afoot.

ME: Drugs?

ME: Oh, yes.  Illegal ones.

ME: Now we're talking.  What kind and how much, Termite?

ME: Oh, heavens, I don't know.  They weren't mine and I certainly didn't take any.

ME: Uh.

ME: But I did cheer those fellas on.  Gave them approving looks.  I'll admit it.  I'm not proud.

ME: Okay, let's change tacks here.  What about corruption.  You mentioned corruption.

ME: The things I've done and seen would curl your hair.

ME: YES!  Yes.  For instance.

ME: Well, there was the time I tickled the caterer at my friend Rupert's dinner party because I wanted her to make me one of those smoked salmon canapes without any sour cream on because I don't like sour cream and the caterer didn't want to do it so I decided I would tickle her until she relented, which she did, let me tell you.  I'm not proud of that, either.

ME: That's not corruption.  That's not fucking corruption, I'm sorry.

ME: Maybe in your world, deviant.  Let me ask you a question.  Have you ever played leapfrog with a troupe of Chinese acrobats in a kiddie pool full of pesto?

ME: No.

ME: Well, I have, a really long time ago, and that's why I'm apologizing.  I've brought shame upon my family, my friends, and my constituents.

ME: You don't have constituents.

ME: Technically, no, and perhaps that's one silver lining in this entire sordid, filthy, pornographic mess.

ME: This interview is over.

ME: But I haven't told you about the time with the quarterhorse, the sack full of nickels and the extra from "Fantasy Island."

I want to apologize to all of my respected peers here at Daily Kos.  I have not lived up to my personal code of conduct, and I have made you all feel icky.  Very icky.  I hereby resign from whatever official posts I might have held at one time or another, and ask that you grant my family the privacy they deserve.

Also, if anybody knows how to get dried Jell-O out of goat hair, that would be helpful.

Originally posted to The Termite on Wed Mar 10, 2010 at 01:37 PM PST.

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