ME: Good to have you on the program today, Termite.
ME: Good to be here. I'm grateful for the chance to set the record straight.
ME: What is it you want the American people to know?
ME: Well, as you know, there was groping.
ME: I groped. It was a long time ago, in college. I don't really remember much about it, but there was a freshman dressed like Little Bo Peep, and then a third person who kept spanking me with a four iron and hollering, "Roll out the pork bao cart, it's dim sum time!"
ME: I think a lot of people have crazy stories from their college years. I guess I was looking for something, you know, more recent.
ME: Fair enough. I did go to a recent concert where there was...okay, let's just say it was hard not to smell mischief afoot.
ME: Oh, yes. Illegal ones.
ME: Now we're talking. What kind and how much, Termite?
ME: Oh, heavens, I don't know. They weren't mine and I certainly didn't take any.
ME: But I did cheer those fellas on. Gave them approving looks. I'll admit it. I'm not proud.
ME: Okay, let's change tacks here. What about corruption. You mentioned corruption.
ME: The things I've done and seen would curl your hair.
ME: YES! Yes. For instance.
ME: Well, there was the time I tickled the caterer at my friend Rupert's dinner party because I wanted her to make me one of those smoked salmon canapes without any sour cream on because I don't like sour cream and the caterer didn't want to do it so I decided I would tickle her until she relented, which she did, let me tell you. I'm not proud of that, either.
ME: That's not corruption. That's not fucking corruption, I'm sorry.
ME: Maybe in your world, deviant. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever played leapfrog with a troupe of Chinese acrobats in a kiddie pool full of pesto?
ME: Well, I have, a really long time ago, and that's why I'm apologizing. I've brought shame upon my family, my friends, and my constituents.
ME: You don't have constituents.
ME: Technically, no, and perhaps that's one silver lining in this entire sordid, filthy, pornographic mess.
ME: This interview is over.
ME: But I haven't told you about the time with the quarterhorse, the sack full of nickels and the extra from "Fantasy Island."
I want to apologize to all of my respected peers here at Daily Kos. I have not lived up to my personal code of conduct, and I have made you all feel icky. Very icky. I hereby resign from whatever official posts I might have held at one time or another, and ask that you grant my family the privacy they deserve.
Also, if anybody knows how to get dried Jell-O out of goat hair, that would be helpful.