At one point in my life, I did stand-up comedy. I was mildly (not wildly) successful. I worked with a few people who were famous (or soon-to-be-famous) and a few of those few complimented me on my jokes.
Sometimes I’d go to some out-of-town gig and I’d pick up a newspaper and write a dozen jokes about the current news. Some city council guy said something stupid. Or some idiot did something idiotic and got arrested.
Tonight I went to FreeRepublic.Com and grabbed some quotes and wrote some jokes. Maybe the jokes will work. Maybe not. Maybe you’ll laugh. More below.
Either God will perform a miracle, which we (I) will quickly forget ‘cause we (I) have taken my nation for granted OR He will let us stew, to remember Who He is, and learn to pray in earnest. -- madison10
So we (I) will either get a miracle or we (I) won’t. That’s a pretty safe prediction. Either Duke will win their next basketball game or they won’t – and I’m not afraid to make such a bold prediction. You heard it here first. And God likes it When we Capitalize words. Because everything that happens comes from God. Oh, wait a minute, the Health Care bill passed the House, so maybe God wants Health Care Reform to become the law of the land. Could that be true?
I think deep down, Boehner cannot stand the libs...-- Talkradio03
As much as it disgusts me, I’ve been thinking about what’s deep down inside Boehner. To get deep down you’d have to scrape that orange crap off his skin. A classic scene from "Wizard of Oz" is when Dorothy tosses a bucket of water on the Wicked Witch, who screams, "I’m meltiiiiiing!" I’m pretty sure that if someone dumped water on Boehner, he’d scream, "I’m rustiiiiing!"
The Red Army would provoke farmers to violence so they could seize their weapons. The Soviets would make outrageous demands on farmers for grain. Troops would show up at the farm and set fire to the women’s skirts. -- Judges Gone Wild
This one is a classic conspiracy theory. The FBI or the IRS or maybe FEMA is going to come to your home and set your wife’s skirt on fire! That’s their insidious plan to take away your guns! They’ll set skirts on fire! And the screen name – Judges Gone Wild – is one word away from those weird semi-pornographic ads on late night TV for "Girls Gone Wild." But it’s "Judges Gone Wild:" Show us your man-tits! And then the judges lift up their robes as they say, "I just turned 18."
My boss has already said that if CommieCare passes he will fire all his employees and re-hire them as 1099 contractors. (I’m already a 1099 so it doesn’t effect me). -- PhilosopherStone1000
Let me get this straight. Your boss is going to screw his employees the exact same way he has already screwed you? Incidentally, the word is "affect," with an "a." Maybe if your third-grade teacher made you learn how to spell, you wouldn’t be a contract employee who doesn’t have health insurance.
Tomorrow I plan to fly my flag upside down to signify that America is in distress. Our life and property are in danger. I will cry again. -- katiedidit1
Upside down flag, check. Uncontrollable weeping, check. Wow, I’ve already accomplished two things on my To Do List! This might be a good day.
Without prayer, I am 100 percent sure we will lose. With it, the consciences of wavering members can be lifted up and emboldened.-- truthandlife
I have three responses:
- Emboldened? It’s a perfectly cromulent word. But remember what we learned from the Simpsons: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
- Let’s say God actually exists and He actually listens to billions of prayers every day. Let’s say He doesn’t ever turn on his voicemail ("Hi, this is God. I’m not here right now. Just kidding!! I’m EVERYWHERE all the time. But leave a message, uh, unless you’re a telemarketer or a sports team who thinks I give a fuck if you win your game. If you people don’t stop bugging Me, I swear to Me that I’ll smite your puny asses.") And let’s imagine that God cares about every single person who prays to Him. Yet somehow Health Care Reform passed. Maybe the Democrats’ prayers outnumbered the Republicans’ prayers. Hey, it’s just like the last election. The Democrats got more votes and the Republicans lost. Or maybe it’s a dictatorship and God thinks health care is a good thing. Either way, the Republican prayers didn't work.
- Still, I think Republicans should keep praying. It’s gotta work eventually, right?. Really. Keep praying. By the way, don’t waste your time donating money to Republican candidates or get-out-the-vote drives. Just sit at home and keep repeating your Republican prayers. Maybe this time it will work.
Render unto Caeser, that which is Caeser’s. Render unto God that which is God’s. God will be the final judge.-- Huskrrrr
"Caeser"? Really? I’m going to go out on a limb and judge you. You just lost the spelling contest (and what’s up with the comma in the first sentence but not the second? Don’t you proofread your posts?). Plus, your argument is crap. Aren’t taxes something that you render unto Caesar? Maybe Jesus was saying that it’s OK to pay taxes to Caesar. Also, I seem to remember something Jesus said about rich people getting into heaven is less likely than a camel passing through the eye of a needle.
Screw the GOP and its minions.
To hell with the GOP and its wishy washy politics. The American public sees through that crap and keeps them in the minority because they stand for nothing. -- April Lexington
You go, girl! It encourages me to hear that the right wing has purity trolls who are pissed at the Republicans because they aren’t conservative enough. Keep up the good work, April. If you push the Republicans further to the right, I’m sure your dream will come true. The American public prefers Republicans and Teabaggers who are utterly batshit loony-tunes crazy. Don’t stop insisting on purity, April. No doubt your crusade will get your candidates elected.
To: April Lexington
If we split our votes we just let them win.
-- dschapin
Oh, dear, you’re being a mccainobot, dschapin (if that is, in fact, your real name). You’re being pragmatic and big-tentish. You’re an evil RINO. Don’t you know that the way to win elections is to insist on ideological purity? You should primary all of the Republican Senators who aren’t born-again Talibangelists. You should eject Snowe and Collins from the Republican party.
And thus ends my collection of snarky comments.