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Sincerely, I don't. Unless it involves minors and/or animals and/or non-consenting adults, I fucking do not care what sort of weird shit you do in the privacy of your own home/townhouse/condo/apartment/closet/friend's couch.

Hell, maybe you like urine. Maybe you like excrement. Maybe you like bondage. Maybe you're The Dom of All Seriousness™. Representin'! (Heh. Just thought I'd see if you were paying attention.)

I do not care, really, what the fuck you do with other human beings, as long as it's legit and cool and on-the-level and, ya know, not icky. We all know what "icky" entails, so don't make me laud all the vacuous details here, OK?


Anyway, much has been made of the RNC's night out at some lesbian-themed bondage club in Hollywood, like it's a freaking huge DEAL and needs to be explained in ALL CAPS and is, ya know, NOT COOL!

Of course, most of the Democratic/Leftie side of the aisle only thinks it's not cool because

  1. we weren't there,
  1. we didn't participate, and/or
  1. we think that the Republican National Committee has a stupid, nay FUCKING STUPID, policy of dismissing this kind of behavior as "sinful".

The Republicans are strong on this "hypocrisy" thang (due to their inadvertent faux Christianity thang) and, quite frankly, I am not sure why (or how) that even registers with Democratic/Leftist peoples to be something to be shocked at. To me, that's like saying, "It takes so much air and energy to breathe here! I SIMPLY CANNOT DO IT!"

Big deal. Who cares, right? I'll tell you who cares, baby:

  1. Larry Craig, and seriously, you simply hafta wonder at a statement such as this:

"Its a, 'Bad boy, Bill Clinton. You're a naughty boy,'" Craig said. "The American people already know that Bill Clinton is a bad boy, a naughty boy. I'm going to speak out for the citizens of my state, who in the majority think that Bill Clinton is probably even a nasty, bad, naughty boy."


What the fuck do you say that to that, ya know? Larry, if you want a private moment away with Bill, you just let us know and we'll do what we can to get him out of helping people in Haiti.

  1. Mark Sanford, he of the Appalachian Trail:

"This resolves it, as far as the ethics commission is concerned," said Herbert R. Hayden Jr., the commission’s executive director. "The question was, Did he violate the law?" He added, "The commission felt very confident that there was sufficient evidence to support a finding of violations on every one of the counts."

Well, that's just a shock! An absolute SHOCK, I tell you! Question: did you Republicans ever think to yourselves, "We are holding ourselves to an exceptionally high human expectation that cannot possibly be met within the boundaries of existence?"

Or did you just think, "Fuck it, I'll nail her, my wife be damned"? Just curious.

  1. Newt Gingrich

From Wiki:

Gingrich has been married three times. He married Jackie Battley, his former high school geometry teacher, when he was 19 years old. She was seven years his senior at 26 years old. They had two daughters. The couple decided to divorce after Gingrich told his wife of the affair while she was recovering from cancer surgery. In 1981, six months after his divorce was final, Gingrich wed Marianne Ginther. He remained married to Ginther until 2000, when they divorced. Shortly thereafter, Gingrich then married Callista Bisek, with whom he was conducting an extra-marital affair during the Congressional investigation of Bill Clinton's perjury relating to his affair with 23-year-old intern, Monica Lewinsky.

Clearly, Newt Gingrich is a fucking prince! Such a man of compassion!

  1. Ted Haggard

From his wife, Gayle Haggard, comes the sad tale:

"I had gone to the bathroom, and I had gotten back and the attorney had told me to go into the office with Ted and he closed the door," Gayle Haggard said.

"I felt life draining from my body, because things didn't feel right all of a sudden."

When her husband confessed to her that there was some truth to the allegations, that happy image of her life was shattered.

"I couldn't speak," Haggard said. "I think I eventually uttered the words, 'Who are you?', because it was so far removed from the man that I knew."

She even confessed to sleeping with her husband that very night, writing in her book that she was "choosing to love" Ted, despite the lies he had told her.

Doesn't that whole thing make you sad? It makes me sad. Equally sad is Ted Haggard's role in the scary movie, Jesus Camp:

Uhm, Ted? Since you're gay, or at least bisexual, we of the Democratic Party fully salute you, and we welcome you into our fold. Unless, of course, you keep choosing to believe that homosexuality can be "cured".

  1. David Vitter

A woman accused of running a Washington prostitution ring placed five phone calls to David Vitter while he was a House member, including two while roll call votes were under way, according to telephone and congressional records.

Vitter, a Louisiana Republican now in the Senate, acknowledged Monday that his number was on the woman’s call list and apologized for a "very serious sin."  

Who cares, man? I don't care. And I'm not even going to get into the diaper thing, because I think it's strange and (quite possibly) without merit. But Republicans like you, Senator Vitter, make me care about this stupid crap, because y'all pretend to be perfect which, of course, you're not.


  1. John Ensign, Mr. Pimp:

The Justice Department has widened its investigation of Nevada Sen. John Ensign's efforts to find lobbying work for a onetime aide who was also the husband of the senator's mistress.

A federal grand jury has subpoenaed the National Republican Senatorial Committee -- a campaign arm of Senate Republicans -- and also Sid Rogich and Pete Ernaut, two well-connected Nevada Republicans, the Las Vegas Review-Journal reported.

Do I care even remotely, that Ensign cheated on his wife? Nope. Do I care even remotely that he tried to get her husband a job? Yes. Yes, I do.

That's not cool. Why can't you stupid Republicans ever stop at, ya know, the sex thing? What, that's not enough? You gotta get your sexually harassed mistress' endorsement to obtain a job for her husband, your supposed friend, in exchange for sexual favors?

Yeah, I said it.

  1. Mark Foley


Six-term  Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.) resigned yesterday amid reports that he had sent sexually explicit Internet messages to at least one underage male former page.

Foley, who was considered likely to win reelection this fall, said in a three-sentence letter of resignation: "I am deeply sorry and I apologize for letting down my family and the people of Florida I have had the privilege to represent."

The resignation rocked the Capitol, and especially Foley's GOP colleagues, as lawmakers were rushing to adjourn for at least six weeks. House Majority Leader  John A. Boehner (R-Ohio) told The Washington Post last night that he had learned this spring of inappropriate "contact" between Foley and a 16-year-old page. Boehner said he then told House Speaker J.  Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.). Boehner later contacted The Post and said he could not remember whether he talked to Hastert.

I'd like the Orange-Skinned Man to be held liable for this but, of course, Boehner will be fine in his position. Which is ironic.

Republicans, Teabaggers, Libertarians, folks who succumb under pressure to be perfect and clearly fail (like the Catholic Church), please hear me out: you are okay. Life is okay. Except for Mark Foley (eww), we are not going to chastise you or hurt you or even demand that you sign some kind of Democratic Purity Agreement or, at the very least, pay for your toil and trouble with God Himself™, when you meet Him at the Pearly White Gates.

Democrats are way, WAY more accepting than Republicans. And, if you even understood a fraction about us, you might just feel the same.

Because we don't fucking care what you do in your bedrooms! Hallelujah!

Originally posted to I don't think you're ready for this jelly. on Tue Mar 30, 2010 at 07:09 PM PDT.

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