Howdy vent fans! Many of you have remarked about how wonderful it is that all three of the pooties that I share a house with cuddle up with each other at the heating vent. I'm here today to tell you that all that congeniality and peacefulness is a carefully orchestrated facade. Actually, what goes on at the vent between photo sessions is something far darker, more competitive, more vicious. Who gets to sit closest to the vent? Well sports fans, it's a brutal process that can only be described as a cat fight.
You've heard of "The Rumble in the Jungle" and the "Thrilla in Manila"? Well they've got nothing on what goes on at the vent. Follow me over the jump as I draw back the curtain from the sordid world of Daily Vent Update: Ultimate Fighting Edition.
When the heat comes on it's a three way grudge match to determine who gets to sit closest to the vent. Our three contestants:
Maya
aka Maya Papaya, aka Queen Bee of the Universe
Maya is a full bred chocolate point Siamese with the papers (and vocal cords) to prove it. At 14 years old Maya has put on a bit of weight from her fighting prime. Originally a Featherweight at 6 lbs 9 oz she's now classed as a Bantamweight at 7 lbs, 6 oz. But don't let her age or her size lull you into a false sense of security. Maya has years of experience, a full arsenal of tricks and her natural Siamese grace on her side.
Francis
aka The Fountain, aka Heifer
Francis is a half-Siamese, half-domestic shorthair mix who is approximately 3 years old. Francis got her nickname Heifer from her 12 lb, 8 oz Heavyweight classification. Francis' most feared weapon, her free flowing cat drool gained her the name The Fountain, but it's actually of little use in the arena because she can only use it when she's purring. Fortunately for Francis, her size alone makes her a formidable competitor.
Cory
aka Little Miss Unconcerned, aka Different Drummer
Cory is a 2.5 year old tabby who is an entirely unpredictable mix of kittenish enthusiasm and a complete lack of concern for anything. Her slight limp and z-shaped, twice broken tail are no impediment for this 9 lb, 4 oz Middleweight. Here Cory exhibits her characteristic style as she gains access the vent via her version of the Fosbury Flop.
At the first rumble of the furnace's squirrel-cage blower the combatants take their positions at different corners.
They circle each other warily, blustering and bristling, hissing warnings but unwilling to commit. Then suddenly Cory dashes forward, unable to contain herself. Francis deftly body blocks her and Cory is tumbled over right into Maya who thumps her soundly across the nose and makes her retreat.
Francis feints towards the vent and Maya proves that she's still got game. Maya uses her long, elegant Siamese tail to flick Francis on the hindquarters, causing Francis to whirl around thinking that she's under assault from Cory. Maya dashes under Francis and it looks like she'll make to the vent when Francis stops Maya by the simple expedient of collapsing on top of her.
While Francis presses down on Maya, attempting to crush the fight out of her, Cory seizes the opportunity to leap on top of Francis and bites down on Francis' neck while her hind claws rake Francis' sides. It looks like it's almost over for Maya when Cory's tail lands in Maya's mouth and she bites down hard. Cory yowls in pain and jumps to the side which is all the distraction that Maya needs to slide out from under Francis.
All three felines hang back for a moment to assess their position before starting again. Maya takes deep gulps of sweet clean air while Francis shakes off the dangling tufts of hair that Cory ripped from her side. Cory nurses her throbbing tail and gives Maya a wide berth.
Then as if some invisible bell was rung all three rush forward into one howling and hissing, spitting and slashing tangle. It's hard to tell who's winning because the fur is flying so thickly. Then suddenly a hand reaches down and grasps Cory by the scruff of her neck and drags her away. It seems that Cory's been dabbling with banned substances again and she's failed her latest drug test. Someone's been using catnip and lots of it. Cory is disqualified and slinks away in disgrace.
Francis and Maya eye each other from across the mat and then Francis lumbers forward confident that her nearly 2-1 weight advantage will guarantee her victory. Maya charges at her, determined to contest every inch of ground between Francis and the vent. The two meet in the middle of the mat and with hind claws grasping for purchase they engage in a shoving match, shoulder to shoulder.
Despite her best efforts Maya is slowly forced back step by step. Francis is heard to mutter under her breath "Your powers are weak, old woman." Maya gasps back "You can't win, Francis. I am already more powerful than you can possibly imagine." With that, Maya unleashes her final attack - the fearsome Siamese Death Shriek. Francis is thrown back and collapses on the mat, blood dribbling out of her ears from her shattered eardrums. Maya daintily steps over her vanquished foe and takes her place right next to the vent, purring to herself as she curls up. Sweet victory is hers once again.
And now a message from for our sponsor: