By CHRISTOPHER S. RUGABER
AP Entertainment Writer
STOCKHOLM (AP) -- In a stunning surprise that rocked the music world, President Barack Obama today announced that he has formulated a agreement between the four members of the pop-rock band ABBA, to undertake an international tour this summer. The foursome has not performed together in almost 30 years,following their break-up in 1982.
"This is a great day for humanity." said the President, standing side-by-side with Sweden's King Carl XVI Gustaf, who had assisted in the negotiations. "Finally, millions of ABBA fans will have that one thing that they have yearned for, asked for, and sought for so many years. That one thing? Closure."
ABBA was, for years, a Swedish hitmaking machine that ruled the charts
in Europe, Australia and America from 1973-1981. They scored numerous
global hits including "Dancing Queen" "Voulez-Vous" and "S.O.S" The
band was made up of Anni-Frid Lyngstad, Bjorn Ulvaeus, Benny Anderson,
and Agnetha Falksog. The name ABBA comes from the first letters of the
members' names. In recent years several entities have attempted to get the group to reform. The United Nations for example tried on three different attempts to engage the members. Barack Obama has now succeeded where they had failed.
In a joint statement the band members stated their appreciation for Obama's efforts;
"It's a great honor to be asked to do this by the president of the United States. For years, we have resisted a reunion as we didn't want to be seen as just doing a cynical money grab just for that sweet, sweet Nostalgia cash like some other people we could name >>COUGH COUGH STING COUGH<<.</p>
But when the President of the United States asks, you kind of have to
do it. I mean, fuck, they've bombed countries for less than that,
In the years since the bands' dissolution, a void has been filled by
the movie and stage productions of "Mamma Mia!" a musical that
incorporates ABBA's songs into the story line. Obama stated that,
while the Mamma Mia is "certainly worthwhile, uh, it's a decent way to
kill an afternoon with one's wife and children. But it's not the real
thing. Only one thing is the real thing and that real thing are the
four people from ABBA."
One of the major sticking points in negotiations were the demands from
Lyngstad, who, going by the name Frida, scored a hit with "There's
Something Going On" in 1982. She desired to have the song incorporated
into the set list since she is automatically "The big reindeer in a small pond" (sic) She also reportedly demanded to be the first "A" in
the band's name as opposed to Agnetha Falksog, who has traditionally
been the first "A". Representatives for the band would not comment on
specifics of the deal. Nor would they comment on the rumor that Ulvaeus and Anderson demands for a truck filled with Jaegermeister to be waiting for them at every arena. (Lyngstad and Falksog are Ulvaeus' and Anderson's exes. Need we say more?)
Conservatives downplayed both the reunion and the president's
participation in it. "It's not a very big deal" said House Leader John Boehner. "It's freaking ABBA for heaven's sake. All the buckets of money that have been thrown at them over the years, they were bound to get back together anyway. If the president were that influential, he'd work on getting Guns N Roses back together. And I mean the complete Appetite for Destruction GNR with Izzy and Steven Adler. Or what about the original Supremes? How about it, Mr. Nobel Peace Prize? Can you get Mary Wilson in the same room with Diana Ross and leave there with both of them alive? Hell no you can't!"
Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell.was also critical: "They live in Sweden. What the hell else is there to do around there but sit around and get drunk while the government taxes 90% of your earnings? Heck, even Elin
Nordgren would rather stay here in America with her worthless cheat of
a husband than go back to Sweden. That should give you some idea of
what a socialist hellhole that place is."
Michael Steele, Chairman of the RNC, (who has officially added The Gift That Keeps On Giving to his title) issued a twitter that he actually thinks is witty: "Finally OBAMA HAS MET HIS WATERLOO! WE TOLD U IT WAS COMING!"
That was followed by another tweet: "WOW! WHO KNEW A WOMAN COULD SHOOT PING PONG BALLS THAT FAR WITHOUT A RACKET!!"
Rush Limbaugh, on his radio show remarked that this was a totally unnecessary reunion. "In the years since the bands' dissolution, a void has been filled by the movie and stage productions of "Mamma Mia!" a wonderful, light-hearted musical that incorporates ABBA's songs into the story line. It's wonderful! I've seen it twenty times and I've cried twenty times, let me tell you ladies and gentlemen. After Meryl Streep absolutely splendiferous performance in the movie, going back to ABBA is like having a CD player and going back to 8-Track."
Obama stated that, while the Mamma Mia is "certainly a worthwhile diversion, for one's wife and children -- especially when you can't convince them to see Bruce or the Dead or somebody who's actually cool -- but it's not the real thing. Only one thing is the real thing and that real thing are the four people from ABBA."
Sean Hannity on his nightly show remarked that it's no coincidence that ABBA disentegrated during the Reagan years. "The policies of Ronald Reagan are what drove communist acts like ABBA out of business in the 1980s. If conservatives stick to those principles, we will drive them out again."
Ann Coulter, a guest on his show suggested that air strikes be conducted upon the Air Force immediately, and that Sweden be carpet-bombed "back to the Stone Age. And let's bomb the rest of Europe too. I mean, as long as
we're in the neighborhood. That's what Reagan would have done."
The tour is scheduled to kick off some point in June in New York City,
and continue through September.