We note that Tiger Woods has ended his (brief) sabatical from golf and will play in, and quite possibly win, the Masters Tournament in Augusta, Georgia. He's making the appropriate remarks to the press (as advised, we're told, by Ari Fleischer?) that may very well preserve his corporate sponsors' approval. He went to a clinic to treat his sexuality. He mopes about in guilt. He hopes you see him as a version of Ward from the TV show Leave It to Beaver.
What if Tiger Woods made a different kind of speech? What if he defended his sexual self? What if he said this:
"I've been living a lie. I tried marital monogamy and failed at it. I was not happy. Those advising me said that I ought to conform to prevailing societal norms, but I don't want to. I think in the end of the day, I'm not getting enough.
"They told me to go to a clinic to treat my sexual impulses, as if I had cancer or something. My libido was pathological, the idea goes, and I have to cure it. I tried to see it their way, because I want those who love and admire me to be assuaged, but I don't think I'm sick. I'm just a horny guy.
"Ari was pissed at me. He said Bush Junior would have taken his advise. But I said no. Heck, I'm worth much more than a billion dollars. I don't need to give a shit about corporate sponsors ever again. They may very well have to start giving a shit about me.
"I'm to golf what Muhammad Ali was to boxing and Michael Jordan was to basketball. The best, and it isn't boasting if it is true. But those guys were the best at sports in which black guys have always excelled. I went into the ultimate bastion of white privilege, the country club, and became the best golfer ever. No question. I'm he.
"It seems like a lot of people treat sex as a kind of evil influence, a sickness that must be irradicated, an impulse that must be stopped. I no longer see sex that way. I think that it is a positive good. It is a gift. I'm not very religious at all, but if there is a God, then I say, thanks!
"The fact is, if I feel neglected, frustrated, even angry, because I'm not having the sexual experience that I need, then I'm not as good a person as I can be. I'm not as good at what I do. I'm a worse golfer. I would guess that the same is true for many people. An unfucked salesman probably is a crapper salesman than one who is well-fucked. Sex clears my head. I'm happier when I'm well-fucked. I have a bounce in my step. My focus is better. I see a dog-leg in front of me, the hole a quarter mile away, thousands line the course, most would take 2 shots, but not me. When I'm whole, complete, confident, well-fucked, happy, then I blast the sucker right over the trees, dropping the ball right through the canopy - it's like trying to make a shot from mid-court in basketball. I've done it many times. The timid do it the other way, but that isn't me.
"Some seem to want to see me grovel over my sexual decisions. But I wouldn't feel that way towards you. I hope that none of you have to do that. Gays and Lesbians have shown us that a person is who they are. We should give them leeway over these personal, private behaviors. It's their life after all. Same for me. I think I was born this way. I just like to fuck. I need to fuck, sorry.
"So I've decided to practice what I call a New Monogamy. I really do love my wife, Erin. She matters, but I matter just as much, equally. With New Monogamy, my spouse always has the right of first refusal when it comes to sex. I will ask her first. I do hope that works. But if that isn't enough, then I plan to discretely find comfort and solace where ever I can.
"Anyway, I'm young, rich, and, now, free. My sexual nature is not a disease that needs to be cured. Liking a good, frequent fuck is, I now believe, normal for many people. I hope that these words haven't disturbed you.
"Now let's play golf!"