I must confess here, right off the bat, that I can take little responsibility for this latest piece, my first since last week's glorious Centennial Clebration for The Ministry of General Mayhem, as this piece is really writing itself, all thanks to the Far-Right's latest wonderous fuckup!!
This recent misfortune for said right-winger and overabundance of fortune for myself, his libelous leftist slanderer, and The Ministry of General Mayhem, concerns VA Governor Bob McDonnell's disastrous decision to name this month "Confederate History Month" for the Commonwealth of Virginia!!!
Yes... I'm not making it up... it actually happened.
Shockingly, to McDonnell and no one else, this didn't go over so well politically, and now right-wing McDonnell apologists are arising in droves to rescue their latest golden boy from the savage clutches of we "rabid race baiters" on the Left. (hahahhahah! isn't that great???)
In a wildly entertaining piece released yesterday by some douchenozzle at The American Spectator, it was revealed that the misfortune Bob McDonnell is seeing now, in the ensuing fallout from his Confederate History Month announcement, is not due to any misjudgment on his part, but is rather that fault of the "leftist rabid race baiters" who tempered the national response to it with the vast influence we nefariously weild over the populace.
Isn't that fabulous!!?!?!?!
So, that means, that any time the GOP makes a racially, ethnically or religiously offensive political move that goes sour, the politically devastating backlash they face from their electorate can be directly attributed to...us!!!
Let me be the first to say that I've never been prouder of my political siding and that I'm pleased that The American Spectator has finally given us the due we deserve for fucking their backwards hick cocksuckers shit up on the regular.
Also, I'm usually opposed to linking to the works of the Far-Right but I've just got to for this one, because it really is a total blast and you've just got to experience it for yourself: here is the aforementioned hogwash for your enjoyment.
In this magnificent piece, I was also delighted by their alledging that it is not the revisionist history experts on the Far-Right (see: Iran-Contra, American Civil Rights Movement, The George W. Bush Era) that have a blatant disregard for any accurate depiction of America's timeline, but rather we on the bookish academic latte-sipping science-obsessed Left who are the guilty ones!!!
In the horsehit piece, the writer starts off, as most conservative writers do, by managing to contradict himself just short of 15 paragraphs in:
"anyone who knows anything about American history knows that for most Southerners, and for most Confederate soldiers, the Civil War (or War Between the States) was absolutely not about slavery"
And 6 paragraphs later:
"Now, it so happens that the Civil War turned out to be very much about slavery."
Yeah, so, wasting no time gallantly and self-righteously discrediting himself, the closet-cowfucker goes on to cite a speech from Democratic Senator Jim Webb, made at Arlington Cemetery's Confederate Memorial twenty years ago. After stressing early on in the speech that it was not his intention to apologize for the reasons the Confederate soldiers fought, he spends the rest of the speech apologizing for why the Confederate soldiers fought.
But one of the worst things that both writer and Senator do, besides attempting to downplay the Confederacy's historical link to slavery, is in making the assumption that it is the only negative aspect of the Confederacy that present day Americans are aware of or angered by, or worse yet, that it is the only negative aspect of it at all.
The assumption is first made, by Senator Webb, the incompetent Spectator writer, and all those who share their view, that we who think negatively of the Confederacy feel the way we do because we don't understand the history and place an unjustified emphasis on the role slavery played in motivating its supporters. And aside from the general consensus from both sides of the aisle that Governor McDonnell's grasp on history is as shaky as The American Spectator's or Senator Webb's, the condescending tone taken against the populace concerning our own grasp on history by those who would rather entertain fanciful versions of our nation's history than they would embrace the harshest truths, would be laughable if not so wide-spread, damaging and infuriating.
Webb calls the widely-held negative view of the Confederacy the "Nazification of Confederate soldiers."
Let's toy with that gem for a moment.
I'm sure we could identify a significant percentage of Nazis who joined up purely out of desire for German sovereignty and never held an ounce of hatred toward a Jew or laid their hands on a Gypsy in their entire lives. But they had no qualms about aligning themselves with an army that pursued German sovereignty while commiting the most enormous genocidal slaughter in history.
Webb and others allege that most Confederate soldiers fought not because they were big ol' racist fans of slavery, but because of their desire for state sovereignty.
Do these cowfuckers really think none of us have heard this before??
Of course that was the ultimate goal of the Confederacy! We all experienced the 4th grade!
What else have they got??
"Uh...oh yeah!? well!...well!...Abraham Lincoln didn't end slavery in Kentucky and Missouri when they didn't secede!"
Yeah, yeah, Abe Lincoln didn't care about black people any more than George W. Bush, we all know that. And we that know our history know that when he passed the Emancipation Proclamation it was done mainly as a foreign policy move more than a domestic one, so as to turn British favor away from the Confederacy and towards the Union side, which was done out of anything other than the goodness of his honest-ass heart.
We do know our history and we do know the reasons for the Civil War and just as we know all that, we also know the large tragic horrific role that slavery played in the so-called "Confederate States of America."
And if they want to venerate that Confederacy and Robert E. Lee and the Confederate soldiers then maybe those fucking rednecks back then should've ended slavery themselves and flushed out the racists from their little "movement" first and legitimized themselves as a non-racist faction then if they cared so fucking much about history seeing them thusly.
But they didn't care, they didn't give a shit, and those who fly that flag today don't give a shit either. And what so many forget, and what Webb and the Spectator forget, is that racism isn't all we see in that flag.
We see treason.
And in its glorification under the guise of...I don't know...historical reverence? Whatever bullshit excuse they're passing off, what is truly shown is, at best, the misguided yearnings of Confederacy-apologists who wish dearly that it had been something more righteous than what it was or at worst, the treasonous yearnings of hate-mongering secessionists who wish dearly that it had been victorious.
Despite the greatest efforts of the Far Right, they don't have the market cornered on deciding what, when or where there is a compromise of patriotism.
The Governor's apology came quickly following his own Confederacy-apologizing. His apology for "leaving out slavery," the phrasing of which is hilarious in and of itself, has fallen on deaf ears with virtually everyone abandoning ship, except of course for The American Spectator, Sons of Confederae Soldiers, the KKK and Joe Wilson of course. For while he apologized for this omission, the major omission overall was any modicum of dicorrum by the very act of pursuing a Confederate History Month. One day would be too much, let alone a month.
Though McDonnell attempts to work the Republicans' long-perfected and politically coveted nice-guy meets good ol' boy bullshit act, given the timing and temper of our country today, the true motives for this move couldn't be more obvious.
Despite all the talk of reverance for history (which McDonnell failed at) and a desired upsurge in tourism for the Commonwealth of Virginia (best of luck with that), what McDonnell's announcement of a Confederate History month actually accomplishes for Virginia is transforming it, in the public eye, into a figurative Confederate state. This is to send a message to the Teabaggers, a "movement" rife with racists and secessionists, that he and his state, against the will of the Virginia electorate mind you, are with them and their madness and that he is indisputably their guy.
Every Republican in the country has been vying for the title of De Facto Teabagger in Chief since last year when a fledgling contingent of overzealous Glenn Beck fans grew into the new GOP platform. McDonnell is just the latest to throw his hat into the ring for a place of prominence among the teabaggers; a designation that Republican leaders have all but deemed a direct translation to Republican presidential nominee.
However, I have enough faith in my country that even should such an individual win the GOP nomination, that individual will not stand a John McCain's chance of taking the Presidency.
So, it is in this way that we see the Democrats one shining providence for the fall. Their last vestige of hope to maintain the Congress and pave a smoother path for Uncle Barry's grand return in 2012. The Democrats sole hope, thanks to our 2 party system's default process of elimination, is that the GOP's fuckups from here to November are more dire and costly than the vast litany of their own.
Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
Irving Bastion, Brooklyn, NY
April the 9th 2010
8:57 PM EST