Because Nobody reads up here: The only truth in that Xfinity "upgrade" commercial is the service shutting down. It does not, however, usually come back on with better service. It hardly comes back on at all. Just saying.
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Breaking Up with CNN.
Hey, CNN. How you doing? I mean, really now. How are you doing?
You know, we shared some times together. Ah, how could I forget that time during the Iraq War—no, not that time; the second one. You know, when you had one of your reporters roll up to a checkpoint, only to get shot at? Yeah. That was scary. Dumb, scary...and yet, funny.
And that whole Elian fiasco back in 2000; boy, were they mad at you then, those folks in Little Havana. I mean, Clinton News Network? Okay, yeah, so I called you that a few times back in the day.
What do you mean it was 2008? You sure that wasn't 6 years ago? Oh, alright.
Those respectable anchors and personalities you had, too: Bernard Shaw, Judy Woodruff, Leon Har...no, wait, he's a douche, and I see him here every day on the local news. Daryn Ka...um...no. Anderson Cooper! Yeah, he's cool. But your obsession with Larry King is something I will never understand.
Anyway, that's beside the point.
What I really wanted to say to you is that, despite all the good times and memories we shared in the past, I...um...have to let you go. Y'see, it's not you, it's me.
I should've seen it coming, when you took that 24-hour Headline News channel--the beat channel ever, when I needed news in a pinch--and let Nancy Grace and Glenn Beck yammer up on the airwaves; the former talking about the Missing Blonde of the Month, and the latter...well, I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say Beckie's a little...insane in the membraaaane.
But that was years ago. Maybe Jon Stewart should have clued me in on what we were in for with you, when he singlehandedly blew up your lone political crosstalk show in 2006, which had become a cross of McLaughlin and Maury Povich's daytime show. And you replaced it with Wolf Blitzer bumbling about.
Okay, that wasn't so bad. I mean, Jack Cafferty has his moments.
But can you explain what the hell happened to that Lou Dobbs? I mean, one minute, he sounds like a reasonable guy; the next, he's leading a revolution in potential identity theft and personal security breaches. Thank goodness he quit, before his head exploded. And yet, you replace him with a White House correspondent, and you...hire a right-wing blogger, and start signing on to run your own Tea Party Express bus?
Yeah.
It's over. I don't know what to say. I mean, it's awkward. You were the Most Trusted Name in News, and all that. James Earl Jones. Was it 9/11? Was it Bush? Was it Obama? What happened to you, CNN? I used to trust you.
Now, I'm stuck with Twitter. Twitter! I mean, I can't watch Fox, and MSNBC...well, they got good shows, but...I don't really look to them for news-type stuff, y'know? That's what I had you for, CNN, and now I can't even go there with you, because you're lined up with those teabagging fucks.
So...unless there's breaking news or something...I can't be with you anymore, CNN.
Sorry. You're dead to me.
Be seeing you. On YouTube.
Okay, folks...on tonight's Late Late Show: from Gaffney, S.C.--home of the Giant Peach--actress Andie MacDowell! And, from the world of Indy Car Racing, Scotland's own...Dario Franchitti! Who is also married to Ashley Judd. But he's a fellow Scotsman, like Craig, so we don't hate him. Okay, I don't hate him.
Yes I do.
Highlights Time! WOOT.
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