A couple of years ago, we played a "getting to know you/break the ice" game at a faculty meeting before the beginning of the school year. Everyone was to write down three things that were true about ourselves and one thing that was not true. The game, of course, was to figure out what was not true. Everybody mingled, looked at each other’s lists and then, one by one, we held votes for each person. Lots of laughter and oh’s and ah’s as each person’s little secret was revealed.
I don’t remember what my untruth was; it really doesn’t matter. What I do know is how people overwhelmingly voted for one of my truths as what they thought was my untruth. By a large majority, they’d read (or heard; we had to read our lists aloud before the vote) one of my statements and decided that it could not be true.
I had written that, before becoming a teacher, I had considered becoming a Minister.
Welcome to Brothers and Sisters, the weekly meetup for prayer* and community at Daily Kos. We put an asterisk on pray* to acknowledge that not everyone uses conventional religious language, but may want to share joys and concerns, or simply take solace in a meditative atmosphere. Anyone who comes in the spirit of mutual respect, warmth and healing is welcome.
I participate at the Reform Temple despite being a Christian. My wife and daughters are Jewish and the congregation is welcoming. In fact, I have rediscovered the joy of singing by being in the Temple choir and it provides me with a good seat during High Holy Days services. Anyway, I made a point of participating in the open-question sessions for potential Rabbis when we had an opening. One young Rabbi, the one we chose in fact, described growing up in an interfaith family. Her father had been a Unitarian and her mother Jewish. She used the word "called" at one point to describe something, so I asked her if she felt "called" to be a Rabbi. She described how well being a Rabbi fit her and so on but backed away from the word "called."
I was not "called" to be a Minister. Perhaps it’s just as well. It’s a difficult job with long hours, high expectations and, let’s face it, a certain conformity is required.
For that matter, it’s just as well that I didn’t become a teacher for a few years. I wasn’t ready.
Anyway, I did not, and still do not, believe I can be a religious leader. That’s not to say I haven’t had profound religious experiences, what Maslow would call "peak experiences." I have, and I didn’t become a political conservative because of them, either. But, as for most people it seems, they are so personal that I am shy to share them. They are so overwhelming that I cannot trust my words about them. And let’s face it, I don’t want to fit a description from a Sarah McLachlan song, "...you’re a beautiful, a beautiful fucked up man." I smile whenever I hear that.
http://en.wikipedia.org/...
http://jhp.sagepub.com/...
(Abstract: reasons not to report a peak experience)
http://www.streetprophets.com/...
(Just this one time...)
And, due to my "peaking," I cannot say that I am comfortable with my religious beliefs. The word "comfortable" implies something restful, solid and communicable. No, I am churning my beliefs and knowledge all the time with machine-like intellectualism or storms of emotion. I constantly sort, categorize, analyze, connect, challenge and renew. My faith is a maelstrom, a powerful whirlpool that pulls everything deeply within.
A benefit from this, however, is that I can understand historical religious controversies and movements. Arcane arguments- doctrine of works versus doctrine of grace, Calvinism versus Arminianism, New Light versus Old Light- from history, particularly Protestant and/or American history, make sense to me. For that matter, I can discuss Tzimtzum with the Rabbi.
http://books.google.com/...
(Calvinism vs. Armininianism)
http://en.wikipedia.org/...
So where does this leave me? Perhaps I am living a hidden religious life somewhere in the "dark night of the soul." But I don’t feel lonely (well, mostly), nor desolated, nor abandoned by God. Saint John of the Cross makes sense to me, as does Thomas Aquinas. I live in this world and have faith in reunion.
http://en.wikipedia.org/...
http://www.youtube.com/...
(Loreena McKennitt, "The Dark Night of the Soul.")