Book 3, Chapter 1, Foreword
In those days, The One was lifted up by the people of The Land, and was seated upon the throne of power. And yea, there was great rejoicing among the People of the Donkey, but at the moment of their triumph, the People of the Olifant fell upon them with a loud cry. Men of reason were seized by the daemon Plumbeus and became as ravening beasts. They fought with harsh words for the praise of their fellows, and spoke with poisonous tongues of The One and His followers.
And yea, was the Duchy of Orange in league with the People of the Donkey, but the people of Orange were an unruly lot, prone to fighting amongst themselves. When The One proved a king of equal parts inscrutability and patience, some of Orange rose in rebellion against their brethren, who were the Loyalites.
Chapter 4, Verses 8-18
...In the second week of the fourth month of the second year of The One, these things came to pass:
8 And lo, as The One went unto Europe to engage the King of the Rus in a treaty to reduce the number of great arrows of fire between them, those of Orange fell upon themselves. A great tempest came over parts of the people, and yea, things were said that cannot be unsaid. After a time, the Great Sage stepped to the top of the Speaking-Rock and proclaimed new laws:
I. Thou shall be civil unto thy brethren
II. Thou shall not threaten to kill thy brethren with thy fists or thy sword
III. Thou shall not reveal the secrets of others
IV. If thou art a Pharisee, thou must reveal thyself as such
V. Thou shall not write "FUCK" unto the first line of thy scroll
VI. Thou shall not track after thy brethren from place to place without surcease
And yea, the Great Sage did wipeth clean the slates of some of those who had fought in the wars, which begat great consternation among others of the people. But the hopeful among them rejoiced that there would be peace, for a time, in the land of Orange.
9 And on that day, the ancient one among the Judges proclaimed that soon he would adjudicate no more. In the Village, his memory was spoken of briefly and cast aside, as men wagered on who The One would choose to replace the ancient judge.
In the land of Orange, the archangels blueness and blackwaterdog announced that for differing reasons, each was to go to exile in the wilderness, and would not return. A great cry went up among the masses, and there was much gnashing of teeth, for also for differing reasons, their illuminations were much beloved by the people of Orange.
10 And yea, the great bird of the King of the Poles fell from the sky upon the lands of the Rus, and there was a heavy sadness among the peoples of the world.
In the land of the Orange, the truce did not hold; men fell upon men, and there was much slaughter.
11 And so it came to pass that the people of Orange struggled mightily with the question of the ascendancy of the Wicked Witch of the North, and waged war upon one another without end. The Nephilim unitarius moonbaticus spake from the Speaking-Rock, but was cast down by the clamoring masses, his words as unheeded as those of Jeremiah before him.
12 And yay, the wagering over the replacement of the ancient judge went on in the Village, and many things were said that evinced the hypocrisy of man. In the land of Orange, the archangel land of enchantment took the pledge of the wilderness, and the war continued without end.
13 And lo, blackwaterdog returned from the wilderness. The archangel nyceve ascended the Speaking-Rock and cautioned the people of Orange to be sparing in their support of the plans The One had made for their healers. A great clamor rose among those who loved The One above all things; another cry rose up among those who believed it right to hold a leader to account. These great foes clashed anew, and the war continued without end.
14 And lo, did The One conclude a gathering of the elders of the many tribes, where they had spoken of lessening the number of great arrows of fire among them. The Wicked Witch of the North summoned the enemies of The One to the Town of Beans, but her schemes were foiled when only fiftyscore rallied to her banner; her minions had boasted tenfold that number would come to praise her.
And in the land of Orange, the clamor of arms stilled, as all were weary of the war. But no truce had been declared, nor had the Great Sage spoken, so all remained wary. Their swords they carried at the ready, and though they checked their tongues, harsh invective was ever ready to spill from their lips.
15 Hark! For reasons known only Himself, The One surrendered the sphere of Luna to any king of a foreign land bold enough to send men there to take it. And yea, this caused a few to wail and gnash their teeth, but those many who remained loyal spoke highly of His designs. To those who wailed, the assurances of the Loyalites were as carmine on the lips of a swine, and bitterly they wept at their abandoned legacy in the night sky.
16 And yea, did a judge in The Land rule that by the Sacred Scroll, the king's men may not force the people of The Land to worship, as it had been since the days of The Fool. And lo, another judge, in a different place, pronounced that men who lay with men and women who lay with women may raise the children of others. Among the People of the Olifant, there arose a great cry, and there was much rending of garments. The Mob, which had once been part of the People of the Oliphant and whose queen was the Wicked Witch of the North, grew weary of its impotence, and claimed that among its allies were many of the oppressed whom they hated. None of the people of The Land believed the claims of The Mob, which vexed The Mob greatly.
17 Lo, did the people of The Land relax for a time, though The Mob made grand proclamations about how all in The Mob loved and respected all. The people of The Village who were in secret allegiance with the men of The Mob plotted to proclaim that all who embarrassed The Mob were not of The Mob, but were interlopers bent on the sowing of discord. And it was so, for the heads in the viewing-boxes said it was so.
In the Duchy of Orange, the truce failed and the war broke out anew upon the lower slopes of the Speaking-Rock, and many who gazed only at its summit were unaware that a battle around them raged.
18 And yea, did heads in the viewing-boxes proclaim...
The pile of printouts I recently found sitting in my BREAKING!!! file ends there, pretty much as cryptically as they first started appearing. As you may have figured, the news ticker in the Cave of the Moonbat works (or at least, words things) a little differently than the less-than-useless Associated Press one it replaced. These are events from the last 10 days; I'm wondering if anybody out there in Interenet-land has been receiving earlier passages, but didn't have a place in which to compile them. If so, here's your opportunity to ensure that later generations have a clear and functioning understanding of the Age of The One, and of the politics of the Duchy of Orange.
As near as I can surmise, the Holy Obamable is divided into three Books, with room for expansion. These chapters are: One – The Rise of The One (campaign and election); Two – The First Year of The One (Jan-Dec 2009); and Three – The Second Year of The One (Jan 2010-Present). The Books are further divided into Chapters, which correspond to months, and Verses, which reflect individual days.